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Signs of Men Who Cannot Fully Love: Why & How to Understand It – Excerpt
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By Barbara Rose, PhD
This information is written with a tremendous amount of compassion, deep understanding and wisdom gained from having “been there” to help you make sense of it all.
First, the signs:
* He has tremendous difficulty verbally expressing his feelings.
* He charms women, and then turns the charm off as soon as his needs are filled.
* He generally speaks about woman as though they are not equal, valuable human beings, perhaps referring to them as “Chicks” along with comments such as “All women are ______” whatever category he places them into.
* He can show tremendous care and compassion towards others with whom he does not feel a romantic connection.
* He has a wall around his heart and will allow you to get only so close, then shuts down when he feels it is too close for his comfort zone.
* He is not yet open to experiencing a fully loving, equal, mutually respectful and fulfilling romantic relationship.
* He is open to exploring and experiencing relationships with many people, enjoys change, variety, and most of all, his personal freedom.
* He is convinced that he is better off without a woman in his life in terms of settling down with one woman.
* He searches outside of himself for validation.
Now, Why, How to understand this and what to do…
First and foremost, please know that there is absolutely nothing you can ever do to change or fix him. What he needs most is a real friend. A person who can accept him fully, exactly the way he is, without any judgment whatsoever. His search for validation may or may not ultimately take him into the core of his own heart to uproot any and all false negative beliefs he has about himself, so that he can finally learn HOW to fully love himself from the inside out.
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Signs of Men Who Cannot Fully Love: Why and How to Understand It – Details
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What ‘Till Death Do Us Part’ REALLY Means
By Barbara Rose, PhD
Let me address this issue of eternity, this promise many couples demand of each other and recite in standard wedding vows. Taken literally, this promise is broken more than it is kept. But “Till death do us part” can be interpreted differently.
In this phrase, “death” does not need to mean the end of physical life. It can mean the end of the couple’s purpose for being together; once the purpose is fulfilled, the union no longer needs to continue.
Now that I have just shocked and mortified the majority of the human race, please allow me to explain further so you can have a clearer and deeper understanding.
When two people meet and grow in love, the purpose of their meeting is to help each other in a certain area, on a certain level of their lives. Now, I shall go into this in more detail in Chapter 4, Soul Mates. But here, I am not speaking of soul mates; I am speaking of those couples who find themselves in divorce court even though they once promised to be together for the remainder of their lives.
Of course there is nothing wrong with traditional marriage. It is a lovely concept. With all of the single parents in society today, however, this idea of “till death do us part” needs clarification.
How could you possibly promise something about a time that is decades away? How could you possibly be so sure that you and your partner will continue to grow together for the remainder of your lives and not grow apart? Why would you promise something you might not be able to fulfill?
Two people meet for a particular reason, a reason related to emotional growth or lessons to be learned to foster that growth so that they can become all they are meant to be, become who they really are, as opposed to their false perceptions of self.
Think about your own relationships or marriages. Was there one in which you felt so in love at first? And did you discover after a while that that particular partner had provided you with an opportunity for personal growth – an opportunity to awaken those aspects that had been dormant within you? And after you grew, did you still want that same person to remain as your partner?
Judging from the statistics on divorce in this country, my guess is that about half of the people reading this would answer “no.” Someone entered your life; as a result of that relationship, you grew to be more of who you really are. When the relationship fulfilled its purpose, you no longer felt the need to remain together, so you went your separate ways.
But in many cases, two people are meant to share the remainder of their lives together; those are the couples who are still happily married decades later, and this is perfectly fine as well.
So, it is not that marriage is right or wrong, good or bad. It is a wonderful thing to be with one person for as long as the relationship is of mutual benefit, to help each other grow, to explore life, to engage your minds in new areas. But to remain together because of some recited obligation, long after you do not fit into each other’s life, long after you have stopped growing and have no common purpose – that is the same as signing a contract with an employer stating, “I will work here, in this job, until death do us part. And no matter how my interests or life goals change, no matter how dissatisfied I am with this job, no matter how many other areas of my life I could fulfill if I were to have a different job, I will still stay with you as long as I live.”
Does this make any sense at all? Of course not! Yet that is what couples do when they promise to remain together for the remainder of their lives. This is a ridiculous promise. In many cases it cannot and should not be fulfilled; in other cases it is wonderfully fulfilled.
Instead of promising to remain together forever, why not agree that you will be committed to each other as long as you can truly grow together, be there for each other, support each other’s individual growth, be a true friend to each other, and as long as your union serves your highest good in all areas. Agree that if you grow apart, if your goals, perspectives, lifestyles, desires, purpose, interests, or intellectual and spiritual growth takes you each on a different path, then you will honor the other’s path just as you honor your own. And you will separate for the good of both of you.
You deserve a partner who is truly your friend. Why should you sacrifice your entire life to remain with someone who deadens your senses rather than encouraging all of your senses to come alive? Just because you made a promise at an altar does not mean you have to keep that promise at the cost of your individual growth, self-worth, self-respect, and self-esteem, or your potential, goals, dreams, aspirations, and life purpose.
Marriage can be a wonderful thing; there is nothing intrinsically right or wrong with it. But – and this is a very large but – it is meant to last only as long as the purpose of both partners can be fulfilled. When that purpose – whether it be personal growth, having children, creating something together, learning how to relate – has run its course and the two parties truly become like strangers, it is time to part ways.
Now, this does not mean that when a couple experiences difficult times they should separate. No. Not at all. For to grow to understand, to reach beyond your comfort zone and grow to be your very best, both as an individual and as a couple takes work.
Rocky times are a challenge to be acknowledged, worked through, and resolved so you can experience deeper friendship, greater understanding, happier times, and higher levels of life experience together.
Do not think I am saying, “Oh, we disagree, so it’s divorce time.” No, absolutely not. What I am saying is that if you do not even recognize the person you are married to anymore, if both of you truly have grown and changed in so many areas, on so many levels that you share nothing in common anymore besides a mailing address, that is when the marriage has come to its natural finish. That is when it is time to part ways and to thank the other person for teaching you so much, for helping you grow to be more of who you really are. Throughout a separation and divorce you can display respect and gratitude for all you have learned and shared, and especially for all you have grown.
Honor your feelings. Trust your perceptions. Reach beyond your own desires to understand what the other is trying to communicate. Listen to their words, watch their actions, trust the feelings you pick up from them, and say it all out loud. Do not hold back. Be honest. Your pride is not as important as your personal truth, integrity, and happiness.
For if you place your pride above your personal truth, and you withhold your truth, you will find that you are ultimately alone, without the one you love and even without the love and support of your self. Holding back the real truth leads only to regret.
When you share your truth, even at the expense of your pride, at least you know you did your all. At least you do not live with regret.
Remember always and in all ways: Be true to yourself; be true to the other; dare to say how you feel; dare to express what you think; and dare to live, thrive, and grow, either alone or together. Either way, your desire to be all you can be, can be fulfilled only by honoring your truth and finding the love within to share that truth until death do you part from this life.
© Copyright 2001, 2003, 2012 by Barbara Rose,PhD All Rights Reserved.
The above is an excerpt from the book Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth, and Your Life. by Barbara Rose Published by The Rose Group (April 2003) ISBN-10: 097414570X.
Love is Not Supposed to Hurt
By Barbara Rose, PhD
Questions and Answers:
I often feel sad in my relationship, what can I do about it?
I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells, is that normal?
I feel different from how I used to feel, like I’ve lost my sense of self. Why?
What can I do if my partner switches demeanors like Jekyll and Hyde?
How can I stop my boyfriend from humiliating me, degrading me, and putting me down?
Here are your answers.
I often feel sad in my relationship, what can I do about it?
If you feel sad in your relationship most, if not all of the time, then it is time that you really asked yourself if this relationship is bringing you joy MOST of the time. Get really honest with yourself, and tell yourself the truth. That’s the first place to start. Can you communicate with your partner? Is he responsive? Does he make an effort to really listen to you and honor your feelings or not?
If he’s not, then that would explain why you feel sad most of the time, because you have valid feelings, and they are not being honored. So first YOU have to honor your feelings, and then take a good, clear look at the way the relationship is RIGHT NOW, the way it is MOST of the time, not the few times you experience joy, but the majority of the time. If you are in pain “often” and most of the time, then you have to find the courage to either really work it out with your partner, and if you cannot, because your needs and feelings are not really honored, then it is time that YOU honored your feelings, and know one thing: that you do not have to remain miserable. You can get professional counseling together, and really open up. If he is not willing to do that with you, then he is not willing to make it work with you. So what are your two options? Stay miserable, or make a complete break so that you can heal, and then attract a new partner that will be extremely good to you. This is your choice, so please do what you know in your heart is true for you.
I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells, is that normal?
No, it is not normal, it is painful, and love is NOT supposed to hurt! Who told you that you have to put up with uncertainty, and living with a person that causes you to feel like a nervous wreck, always wondering if you are going to set him off? This is living with sickness. “Normal” people openly discuss whatever is bothering them, and come to mutually agreeable solutions.
In a normal relationship, one that is sane, you feel free to be yourself completely. You are never worried about “getting it wrong” or “messing up” because you know that you are loved and respected, cared about, adored, and that your feelings matter as much as his.
If you feel like you are walking on eggshells, then I wholeheartedly advise you to walk out of the relationship, and leave the broken shells of bad memories behind you, where they belong. No one can do this “for” you. This is your life, and only you can decide if this is the life you really want to live, and what you really prefer in a relationship, or if you would prefer something a lot more loving, where you feel safe, rather than constantly worried.
I do promise you that once you get really honest with yourself, and honor your real feelings, you are on the road to a much happier life, and you can do a lot of reading, inner healing, restoring, and coming into a place within where you become your own best friend. It is then that you will be ready to attract someone into your life who has the capacity to treat you the way any human being deserves to be treated. Where the only eggshells you see are when he brings you breakfast, because he loves you.
I feel different from how I used to feel, like I’ve lost my sense of self. Why?
Why? The answer is because you are being treated more like an object where if something goes wrong it is blamed on you, rather than being respected completely without blame and criticism.
If you feel like you have lost your sense of self, then you have probably been twisting yourself in every conceivable direction to be or feel good enough for the person that you are with. Are you told what to do? Are you watched? Yelled at? Insulted? Put down? Criticized?
When we have been put down, we do feel our real self somehow sliding away, especially in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Sometimes we don’t even notice it happening. We just begin to feel less confident, less desirable, less than we used to feel. This is what abuse does, it chips away at our sense of self, and before long, we’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel whole and complete and good enough again.
So if you’re with someone that treats you in a degrading manner, someone that puts you down, someone that is kind and then mean, back and forth, then it’s time to get off the see saw and plant yourself on solid ground with a firm decision as to what you are going to allow in your life, and how you are going to allow yourself to be treated.
You must decide how you really want to be treated, and only settle for that. You are NOT here to be degraded. No human being deserves to be degraded. So in order to gain your sense of self back, you have to know what you want, what you prefer, how you would rather feel, and put yourself in the position to walk away completely from anyone that treats you less than how you know you want to be treated.
When a person has clear boundaries, they do not allow them to be crossed. Your boundaries are your preferences. Create your boundaries, and you will be able to begin to feel a sense of what you really deserve. Then, only settle for that and nothing less, ever.
What can I do if my partner switches demeanors like Jekyll and Hyde?
Sister, (or Brother) run for your life, and never look back! Just keep going forward in one clear direction, far, far away from this person, because if you don’t then YOU will feel like you are going insane.
You cannot fix or heal another person’s psychological issues to your own detriment. Jekyll and Hyde is living with insanity, which will only make YOU feel insane. And I really mean what I say here.
How can I stop my boyfriend from humiliating me, degrading me, and putting me down?
You can’t, dear one. He is the way he is. The question is when are you going to walk? How much more do you have to be humiliated, degraded and put down? Do you want to take it for a few more minutes, weeks, what about another ten years? Some people take it for the rest of their lives. Others leave at the first sign of abuse. Right after the first humiliating, degrading put down. They leave because they know this is the person’s nature, and we cannot change another person. If someone is an abuser, they give abuse. Do you give abuse? No, you do not. Do you give it in self defense? If you are continuing to allow abuse in your life, this is a very sad life to live.
To better answer your question, the only way you can stop your boyfriend from humiliating you, degrading you, and putting you down is when you end your relationship with this person. Until that time, expect more of the same. Has it permanently changed? Does he change for a few days, maybe a week or so, only to go back to the same old pattern? If your answer is yes, then you can expect the same pattern to continue, as surely as you can expect that an apple tree will continue to give you apples. It will not give you bananas, or peaches. Its nature will not change.
For all of the above questions and answers, I must assure you that love is not supposed to hurt. Love feels wonderful. It feels safe, steady, certain, and predictable. “Excitement” comes from going away together, not from break-up, make-up sex. Love is the most beautiful and wonderful experiences on earth. Everybody deserves to experience real love. I hope that you will allow yourself to experience what it feels like to begin to love yourself. Then, and only then, will you be able to attract someone into your life who will love you the way you want to be loved. It is first an inside job, between you and yourself. Then you can experience this with another person, as this is the essence of what every human being on earth wants to feel, and with enough self love, every person one day will.
© Copyright 2012 by Barbara Rose, PhD
Answers to the Most Common Relationship Questions: Excerpt from Stop Being the String Along
By Barbara Rose, PhD
Excerpt from Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE
QUESTION:
What to do if one person in the marriage grows spiritually and the other stays the same and refuses to acknowledge the other person’s beliefs as right for them? My husband thinks that my study of metaphysics is just temporary and that I will come back to his religion. I don’t know how to handle this, but the issue involves every aspect of our relationship. I don’t feel connected in any sense except by our two small children, aged 4 and 2.
ANSWER:
It is vital that you continue to follow your truth with respect to your spiritual growth. No one has the right to judge, criticize, or coerce you to follow his religious or spiritual preferences. This is not up for debate. You do not have to convince your husband or seek approval from him or from anyone else regarding your personal truth, spiritual values, or beliefs. Quite frankly, it is no one’s business but your own.
So I would advise you to ask yourself why you are staying in a relationship when the only connection you feel is through your children. If you feel the relationship is not satisfying and if you feel that your personal and spiritual growth are not being honored, it is perfectly okay to remove yourself from criticism, misery, and condemnation from the man you are sharing your (unhappy) life with.
Alternatively, you can stand in your truth and state that your spiritual growth will never be judged or dictated to by any other human being, and ask your husband to accept you for who you are, despite his differing views. Ask him if he would like it if you tried to dictate his religious preferences. You can ask him to honor who you are, and if he refuses to do so, then you do have the option to end the relationship that is more hurtful than supportive. You deserve respect on all levels. Please remember that.
QUESTION:
After 28 years in a dysfunctional marriage, I finally divorced my husband. That was 14 months ago. Now we are both changing and are back together, realizing that we both needed to change to become healthier people. With God’s blessings, hopefully,
ANSWER:
Absolutely! This is actually fantastic to hear. When two people love each other and realize that they both need to take personal responsibility to heal and evolve on all levels of personal growth, when each partner is committed to his own personal growth and supportive of his partner’s process, this is a gift.
Our greatest growth in relationships comes from being in relationships, not in isolation. Always share honestly. Always be true to self and have the courage to be real with your partner. You can never go wrong.
QUESTION:
How can you use your intuition to figure out where you should move to, to meet your partner, if you are currently single? I am going to move from the town I’ve been living in for 25 years and want to know how I can figure out where I should move to.
ANSWER:
Dear One, when you move to another town because you want to live there, to enhance your own life, and for no other reason, you will attract someone who is living his or her truth as well, rather than searching for a partner. The key here is in attracting by living your life for you rather than searching to fill a void. You will find that when you least expect it, someone who mirrors where you are within yourself will pop right into your life. So thrive and create the best life you can. Passionately fill your days and nights with all you love to do, and you will attract someone who is living his or her life that way, someone who will mirror you.
QUESTION:
How will I know when I am truly ready to be in a relationship, after not being in one for over eight years? I quit trying after my last relationship turned out to be just like my ex-husband, who was an alcoholic, used cocaine, and went into violent rages. I was severely abused by my natural father, sexually, emotionally, and physically . . . then sexually molested by my brother, brother-in-law, and stepfather (who also beat us). I know from counseling that my relationships with men were my way of trying to “fix” my father/male role models. I think I’m not ready to be in a relationship yet because I feel that I have nothing to offer. I am 200 lbs. overweight and have no teeth. I am also in severe pain most of the time because of fibromyalgia and lower back pain from a fall several years ago. To lose weight I need to exercise, but I am in so much pain that it’s almost impossible. I sometimes feel overwhelmed by all of this and discouraged, but I keep going. I am also an insomniac, and when I do happen to fall asleep, I usually have horrific nightmares. I am telling you all of this not for you to do something about it but so that you will understand my original question about relationships. What is a normal relationship, and how do I know it’s love?
ANSWER:
First, know with absolute certainty that you do have a lot to offer, even just by sharing authentically. It took a lot of courage for you to open up, and so many people can relate to you. Many others have asked for similar answers, so I thank you for your question.
Now, it is time you forced yourself to discover every wonderful quality you have from the inside out. Your worth is not determined by your weight or your teeth. All of this can be adjusted. You can get a dental bridge and have teeth. Some people are overweight due to thyroid problems, and they are just as worthy as people who are stick thin. This is a time to love yourself by discovering what you truly love, what you really want to express from within concerning your life purpose. These discoveries will help you to heal your self-degrading feelings. Take heart. I used to be the world’s biggest doormat. I had an unhappy childhood, failed relationships, and very low self-esteem. I had to discover my passion, find my value from the inside out, and express it as my joy-filled work each day in order to feel my value as an equal member of the human race.
Nobody is better than you. Nobody is less than you. A normal relationship is one in which you can value yourself and the other person equally. In a normal relationship, you are treated beautifully, and you treat the other person beautifully. A normal relationship has one prerequisite: you must really love yourself. Plenty of people who write to me and many people I know look like models, and they still feel unworthy. I used to be one of them, too.
Ask yourself this: If you had ten million dollars in the bank and could do something for the rest of your life that would fill you with great joy, what would that be? What would bring you so much joy that you would do it for free? Search within for the answer. It will lead you to discover your life purpose. Who are the people you admire and connect with from your heart? What are they doing with their lives? That is a good indicator of a natural direction for you, a natural purpose for your life. Moreover, perhaps you suffered the experiences you have been through so that you could reach out and help others overcome their abuse and pain. Usually, our greatest challenges lead to our greatest life purpose fulfilled.
You do have a special purpose. And you are a special human being. Look into your heart to discover what really matters to you. Then bring it out into your life as your work. Being an example stems from your heart, not from your looks. You will attract a wonderful man into your life once you discover and believe that you are wonderful.
QUESTION:
Is unconditional love possible between two persons in a relationship?
ANSWER:
Yes, as long as they both love themselves unconditionally, without self-judgment, self-criticism, or self-abuse of any kind. You can only give what you have on the inside.
QUESTION:
How can I help myself to recognize the “one” that I am supposed to spend my life with?
ANSWER:
When you can be your authentic self in every way with that person, when you treat each other equally and beautifully, love each other’s company, communicate openly and honestly, share similar values, respect each other on all levels without ever compromising your truths, and have wonderful chemistry and passion in bed, then you will recognize that you have found “the one” for you.
QUESTION:
Is there a soul mate for each person?
ANSWER:
Yes, but not every person meets a soul mate in this lifetime. Many people have soul agreements to work out karma from previous lives together or to support each other in this life. We also may experience a soul level recognition with many people in our lives, such as with our best friends or relatives.
A soul mate relationship is not always a bed of roses. It can be one of the most growth-filled and transformative relationships we ever have; and it may or may not last for the remainder of this life, although it serves a deeply important purpose for individual growth.
If you want to attract a wonderful match or spiritual partner, grow to love yourself deeply with genuine appreciation for the person you are. Shine and express all that you came into this life to be and express. You will certainly and naturally attract a wonderful counterpart who will mirror your highest level of growth, and you can share an astounding relationship with that person as your equal on all levels.
There is no “perfect” person. Thinking of a soul mate as such is a myth. But you can attract an incredible person into your life once you become the incredible person you came into this life to be and express on all levels.
QUESTION:
Why must we be prepared to accept that some wonderful relationships, even of soul mates, are destined to end? Phrased differently, how can we know if a sacred contract is going to result in a relationship ending? How can we carry love forward from that point?
ANSWER:
We cannot hold on to another person for dear life. We never know if suddenly a person is going to be out of our lives. The most important thing is to be and share your greatest self with the one you love, and create the most joy-filled life possible each moment you are fortunate to experience love with another. Life is filled with constant change. Love with all of your heart, share all of who you are, do your best, be your best, express your truth, and always allow the other person the same freedom of being and expression. There are no guarantees in life, but loving fully and purely is one of the most rewarding experiences of life on earth.
QUESTION:
How will I ever feel that I can trust enough and become vulnerable enough to be emotionally intimate with someone without giving away my power?
ANSWER:
The only way you can ever trust another is to first trust yourself, your feelings, your instincts–and listen to them. Then a person can earn your trust over time and through many small experiences. Notice what you instinctively pick up on. Watch to see if the person’s words and actions match.
Don’t just give all of your trust to others without getting to know them over time.
When people show you that they can be counted on by following through on what they say and by sharing themselves, you can slowly open up and share yourself. You can share your truth and be emotionally intimate by standing in your truth, regardless of what they do or say.
Never back out of what is true for you to please another person–that is giving away your power.
QUESTION:
How do you change someone’s belief system?
ANSWER:
You don’t. Ever.
Would you like it if someone tried to change your belief system?
You must respect all human beings enough to allow them to be who they are, even if you have different preferences or beliefs. You are not on this earth to change your belief system to please any other person. Therefore, no other person is on this earth to change his or her belief system to please you.
QUESTION:
Sometimes you can be in a dating relationship and it can be great, and then you get a vibe that the partner is not 100 percent there, as they once were. Immediately, women in general start to analyze: “Why didn’t he call me? He always calls me at this time. What does that mean?” Then women start to doubt themselves, overanalyze, and wind up making it worse. Women then say: “Well, if he’s not calling me, I’m not going to call him.” And they start giving out weird vibes and all turns to dust.
When you are feeling doubt in a relationship that once was strong, what do you do? How do you address it?
ANSWER:
The best thing to do is to get super absorbed in your life, your purpose, and allow the other person his or her space.
Then, when you do speak, you can make plans to laugh and have a blast for the next time you get together.
If you are secure within yourself and truly absorbed in your life purpose, you may notice that you don’t always have the chance to make a call at the exact same moment every day. But if your world is revolving around the other person’s phone call, then of course you’re going to feel insecure, because you are more focused on the other person than on yourself.
Sometimes people need some breathing room, time to call their own. Maybe they just want to rest or are on the phone with a friend or are watching a movie and don’t realize what time it is. Or maybe they are losing interest. Either way, the more centered you are within your own life and the more centered you feel within self, the less this is going to disturb you. When you do see each other, laugh! Create a great time. Create a wonderful memory. Share what is going on in your life, and show interest in what is going on in their life.
When you have a great deal of self-worth, your life will never hinge on another person. Never make the other your oxygen tube for a happy existence. Make your life purpose and sharing your life with the other a joy rather than an obligation.
When you are together, if the other person is acting distant or different, you can say something like: “I want you to know that I care if there is anything bothering you. And if there’s something bothering you with respect to me, I want you to feel safe that you can let me know, no matter what it is, and we can address it honestly with each other.”
This lets the person know that you are strong enough and open enough to listen, even if it might be to something you may not want to hear. If they think you’re going to crumble, and they are your world, chances are that they will avoid telling you something that they think might crush you. If you let them know that they can talk honestly, and it’s all okay, chances are greater that they will share anything that may be bothering them with respect to you. More than anything, be their genuine friend, at all stages of a relationship. Then you can each share authentically, with full respect for each other’s feelings, and you can clear the air at any time, honestly.
QUESTION:
How do you determine early in a relationship if there is a great chance for success? The reason for my question is this: I have been in a relationship for close to six years, and my significant other decided to break things off. She says it’s because she has a fear of commitment. How could I have seen or known this earlier?
ANSWER:
The truth is that we do not know if a relationship is going to last forever. If a person has commitment issues and shows that right from the start, then there is nothing you can do or say to change the other person. Trust me on this. I tried it for four years in String Along Valley. Moreover, if you were with a person and decided that you did not want to continue the relationship or share the rest of your life with her, you would have every right to follow your truth. She simply did what she wanted to do, and by doing so she opened the door for you to attract someone into your life who is looking for all you are.
It’s usually a gift when people leave our lives. I learned a saying: “When the universe says no, that means there is a better yes for us on the way!
Next time, you will be able to look over the string along warning signs, and that will help you notice a lot more in the beginning of a relationship that you may not have been aware of previously.
In any relationship, you can only live in the moment. It is in the moment that you can share and express any concerns that you have. Open and honest communication is the absolute key to a successful relationship. That is the way for you to know and see it all truthfully, so that you will know what to do each moment of your life.
Exclusive Book Excerpt published by The Rose Group (April 2005) from the book Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE ISBN: 0974145742
© Copyright 2005, 2012 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved.
50 Reasons to Leave Skid Marks in a Relationship
By Barbara Rose, PhD
50 Reasons to Leave Skid Marks (Just one is reason enough to run fast!)
1. Either of you is married and not completely available.
2. The other is an active alcoholic or drug user, using substances regularly to avoid feelings.
3. You see the first sign of physical or mental abuse: put downs, degrading comments, pushing, shoving, or hitting.
4. The other person says he does not want to be in a relationship.
5. You are not taken on dates and courted.
6. You are a “friend with benefits.”
7. You are called for last minute get-togethers and rarely go out on dates.
8. You’re not allowed to express your feelings and are labeled emotional.
9. There is no clear, genuine communication.
10. You feel as if you are walking on eggshells to accommodate the other person.
11. The other person rarely, if ever, lets you know he can be counted on.
12. After six months, you do not know the other person’s family or friends.
13. Your relationship is kept secret.
14. After having been physically intimate with you for weeks or months, the other person no longer allows sexual relations.
15. After expressing love for you, he takes back what he said.
16. You rarely go places or do things together.
17. You have vastly different views about life.
18. Your spiritual or religious preferences are not honored and respected.
19. The other person tries to change you.
20. After intimacy, you are treated like a stranger.
21. You are put down in front of other people.
22. You are stood up for a date or plans.
23. Plans are repeatedly broken and not reset for another time.
24. You are sexually abused.
25. He speaks badly behind the backs of other people he is “seeing.”
26. Just about every other woman in his life is “just a friend” (that he slept with previously).
27. You are referred to as “someone I know.”
28. There is no physical chemistry or passion in bed.
29. You cannot talk to him about anything.
30. If you have a misunderstanding, he ends your relationship rather than talking it out.
31. You never go on any sort of vacation or getaway with him.
32. You are not acknowledged on special occasions and holidays.
33. You are threatened in any manner.
34. Your relationship has all kinds of restrictions and boundaries that prevent intimacy.
35. After a few years you still do not share a life together or a genuine monogamous relationship.
36. He lets you know about the other people he is having sex with (to see if you get jealous).
37. He plays games with your feelings and tries to manipulate you.
38. He cuts off communication when you are trying to discuss something that bothers you.
39. He tells you to find someone else. (Do that!)
40. He can be intimate with you only if he is drunk or high.
41. The relationship is off balance and one-sided, to suit his needs, without reciprocation.
42. Your personal growth is not honored.
43. He tries to control your finances and tells you what you can and cannot spend.
44. You have a telephone or Internet relationship and rarely get together in person.
45. No effort is made to see you in person regularly.
46. He goes out without you and calls you when he gets home in the middle of the night, but he rarely takes you out.
47. He refuses to talk openly about where you stand with each other.
48. He breaks up or stops contact with you repeatedly, and refuses to communicate openly, honestly, and authentically.
49. He makes it clear to you that you are “just friends” after you have been intimate.
50. Weeks go by without hearing from him at all.
Take a good look at both of the lists. Which one describes your relationship? Do you see it written all over the pages? This list points to a string along relationship. The One has the first list.
You are The One.
Partial chapter excerpt © Copyright 2005, 2012 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. from Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE. Published by The Rose Group (April, 2005) ISBN: 0974145742. An Amazon # 1 Relationship Bestseller.
Excerpt from How Do I Say Goodbye to Someone I Love?
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Look at what good can possibly come out of the situation. Look for what might very well be for each of your highest good. Replace “want” with “prefer”. You “prefer” to trust that there are higher reasons behind this situation and what you “want” might not be possible at this time.
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When to Leave Skid Marks in the Beginning of a Romantic Relationship
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Relationship guidelines to keep you sane, with self esteem, high self worth when you first start seeing red flags in your relationship… Continue reading
