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What Healthy Relationships REALLY Look Like

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1. What does a healthy relationship look like?

2. What do I do if I love someone and they keep hurting me?

3. What do I do if I love someone and they don’t want to commit to me?

4. How do I know if someone is right for me?

5. What do I do if my boyfriend only wants to see me when he drinks?

6. How can I help to heal the wounds of someone I love?

7. What kind of standards should I have in a relationship?

8. What do I do when I don’t feel comfortable “being in love” with someone else?

THE ANSWERS

1. What does a healthy relationship look like?

A healthy relationship is based first and foremost on trust. It stems from both people being authentic, genuine, caring about themselves and the other person. There is mutual respect, and appreciation. There is an expressed desire from both people to be in the relationship, and for it to flourish. You would never do to the other what you would not want them to do to you, in any manner, and in any way. Both people are there for each other during difficult times. If there is a disagreement, it is discussed openly and honestly so that you can come to a mutually agreeable solution. There is compromise and acceptance from each person for the other, but never at the expense of your dignity.

Each person knows they are safe to bring up anything that they are not happy about, so that it can be worked out and not fester into more than it really is.

All healthy relationships require personal emotional and psychological health, as well as sobriety. How can you really get to know someone when they are intoxicated? You can’t! So it is vital that you are both straight and sober if you want authenticity and clear communication to resolve any matter that may come up.

A healthy relationship stems from both people being open and willing to discuss anything. There is no avoidance, punishment, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, or ill intentions.

There is sexual chemistry that is expressed in a loving and healthy manner, so that you can really make love to the one you are with, from your heart, and have fun while you’re at it.

It is based on intellectual and spiritual compatibility, shared ethical standards, and a common bond based on love that will endure any difficult time.

Healthy relationships take work on both parties. They do not just “magically happen” and stay “happy forever after.” Each person has to show that they want the relationship to work, and they work hard by authentically communicating – that is the key – it is healthy communication, combined with all of the above. If you’ve got someone like this in your life, and you love them, then you’ve found a gem!

2. What do I do if I love someone and they keep hurting me?

Are you a doormat or a human being? If someone keeps hurting you, first you can discuss it with them, and let them know what they did, how you feel, and what you would prefer. If they then change their actions and never do that again, that is fantastic! However, if they keep saying “I’m sorry” and keep repeating their hurtful actions the only thing you can do is leave.

You did not choose to come into this life to put up with abuse in any form. If you are not being respected enough, then it’s time you respected yourself enough to walk, permanently.

When someone really loves you, they will do what it takes to keep you in their life. If they are mistreating you, then you have to ask yourself one serious question: “Is this what I really want?” If the answer is “no, but…” then the only one you are bullshitting is yourself.

The more self-love you have, the more of a zero tolerance you will have for bullshit. It takes a LOT of guts to take an inner stand, and show it in your actions, for yourself on the outside. You are not a toy, or a person that has to walk on eggshells to wonder what is coming next.

If you can forgive the other person, and forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be treated less than the way you deserve, then you can walk away without bitterness, and with your head held up high. You can be honest, and the most important honesty is in your actions. If you threaten to leave the relationship, but you never do after repeated mistreatment, then the only one you are really hurting is yourself. You deserve to be treated exactly the way you would treat someone else.

This means that the relationship is equal and reciprocal. Anything less than that is far less than you deserve, and you will meet someone else that can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Never settle!

3. What do I do if I love someone and they don’t want to commit to me?

You date other people, and live your own life to its fullest, and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone that DOES want it all with you.

Real love never dies. You can love someone and still live a full life. You can love someone and not be together. You can love many people in your life, and still be good to them. But to place yourself “on hold” and not even give yourself the chance to meet someone else is perpetual agony.

You can’t make someone want to commit to you, or play games either, because they never work. Be really honest with yourself and ask yourself if the person ever let you know that they didn’t want to get too involved. If they let you know, then that is your answer. It might hurt, however, if you are getting the truth, you can’t change someone’s truth.

Imagine if someone was in your life and you really didn’t want to commit to them. They would simply have to accept that and keep in living their own life. That is really all you can do, and the most important part of it all is how passionate you are about your own life! If you are with someone to fill a void within yourself, that void will never be filled! YOU have to fill the inner void you feel with all you are passionately absorbed in. Discover your life purpose. The person can be a PART of your life, not your central and universal focus. There is a BIG difference.

Love YOURSELF enough to really LIVE, and swing the doors WIDE open to meet someone that DOES want to be with you. If the feeling is mutual, and you are communicating, sharing interests, and really being there for each other, that is a LOT better than keeping yourself on the sidelines hoping that maybe someday the person will change their mind.

Get on with your life, and have some faith that certain people enter our lives for profound reasons. Many times it is a lesson in self worth, self value, and self love. The ONLY way anyone will have the capacity to love you wholeheartedly is when they love THEMSELVES wholeheartedly.

There is nothing you can do to “fix” that, You can only heal within your own self, and that is exactly what you deserve to do.

4. How do I know if someone is right for me?

Do you love their company? Can you talk to them about anything in the universe? Can you tell them things you would never tell anyone else? Is there real passion in bed? Do you share similar values and interests? Do you respect each other? Can you be real friends? Are you there for each other during times of need? Do you know each other’s family and friends? Are you EACH showing each other in your ACTIONS that “this is it”? If you answered yes to those questions, and you can really communicate, then you are with someone that is right for you. How fantastic!

5. What do I do if my boyfriend only wants to see me when he drinks?

You have two options, because this is YOUR choice.

Option One: You can receive many mixed messages from induced intoxication, and receive even more mixed messages during those sober moments, resulting in much confusion and pain – Or:

Option Two: You can realize that you are with an active alcoholic, and if they do not want to get help, then the only thing you can do is open the door for someone that can give you clear and sober messages all of the time, and create a relationship with a person that loves themselves too much to destroy themselves in front of your eyes.

Alcoholism is a permanent, life-long disease.

Either you are with a drunk, or you are with a person that is sober, period. It’s like being with a person that’s a little bit pregnant. Either they are, or they are not.

If the person does go to get help at an anonymous meeting place, and is in active treatment to heal, then by all means, if you love them, support them, forgive them, and be there for them, as long as they are being there for themselves!

If the person refuses to get help, and remains a drunk, then your only chance for sanity is to GET OUT of the relationship, so that you CAN have a sober and sane relationship with someone that has the capacity to give this to you.

Give the person their choice. Allow them to make the choice for themselves. You have no right to try to force anyone to do anything that they do not want to do – including heal. You, however, must make the choice for your own sanity, emotional and psychological health, and really get honest with yourself.

It is deeply painful to be with someone that is a drunk. It is even more painful when they won’t do anything about it.

It is life renewing when they DO do something about it, and get the help that they need.

This is a process of deep self-discovery, and requires a LOT of patience on your part to be there for them during a most difficult process.

You can only have a sane and healthy relationship with someone that is sane and healthy. Please remember that!

6. How can I help to heal the wounds of someone I love?

The ONLY way you can help to heal the wounds of someone you love, is when they are really trying to heal themselves.

You cannot “save” or “fix” anyone, anymore than someone else can save or fix you.

We ALL have inner work to do, or we wouldn’t be here in Earth School. There is not one person alive that does not have issues to heal, unless they have really healed them in this lifetime.

If someone is deeply wounded, you can love them, and accept them, however NEVER at the expense of your safety and self worth.

So if someone had a terrible childhood, and they are hitting you, then you MUST GET OUT of this relationship – because this is ABUSE.

If someone has difficulty communicating their emotions, then you can understand. There is no such thing as “the perfect person.” Everyone has flaws, everyone.

It is the DEGREE of the flaws, and how it is impacting your life, as well as how committed the person is to you in the relationship.

If you are committed to each other, and there is a deep love, then be loving and supportive, always.

If they are using their troubled youth as an excuse to cause abuse and harm to you, then they are just living a life of excuses and doing nothing to really be there for you. So is this what you want? The choice will always be yours.

If someone is actively really working on themselves, and you are not in danger, and you are in a real relationship, then be towards them how you would like them to be towards you.

If you are being mistreated, abused, lied to, cheated on, then you are not being in a real relationship – you are being a real doormat!

Heal your OWN wounds, and then as you grow with more self-love, you will see the difference in what you will and will not tolerate. Always be true to yourself – this is the only way you can ever have the capacity to be true to someone else.

7. What kind of standards should I have in a relationship?

Each person is different, and each person has preferences that they absolutely could not live with, or without in a relationship.

Ask what yourself what you are really looking for in a person, and how you really want to be treated. Ask yourself what really matters to you, and what is not so important.

For example: Some people “must” be with someone that is intellectually deep and stimulating, where someone else would absolutely abhor intellectual conversations and intellectual stimulation.

Some people love food, a lot, and want a partner that also loves food, cooking, eating out, etc. Where someone else really doesn’t care that much about making food a central part of their lives, and would rather read a book.

I firmly believe that when we are whole inside, have self value, feel self love, and know what WE are all about, THEN we can easily attract a great partner that is our EQUAL.

It all boils down to your preferences. There may be certain things someone may do, like leave the entire toilet seat up when you like it down. Can you live with that? Some people couldn’t care less, and some people are fanatical about that.

Then there are character traits that can fall in the “must have” “must not have” and “can live with” area – even if it drives you nuts at times. Some people are more impulsive, and some are more methodical. One is not “better” than another, they are just different, and really can cause a bit of frustration. However, they CAN be lived with, as long as there is acceptance and tolerance in differences in character traits.

Some people love to travel, and “must” have a person in their life that also loves to travel a lot, and often, while another person may just like a get-a-way once in a while.

Your list of standards in what you desire in a life partner must be solely based on your truth. This way you can really have a blast, go through ups and downs, and still be in love when all is said and done, because it was based on truth the entire time, and that is something that will endure for eternity.

8. What do I do when I don’t feel comfortable “being in love” with someone else?

If you don’t feel comfortable “being in love” with someone else, that is because you have not yet fell in love with yourself first!

It is time for you to really take a good hard look inside of your heart, and up-root every untruth you have ever been told, every lie you ever bought into about yourself, and every insult that you have ever called yourself, and replace that with pure self-love, without an outward condition attached to it.

When you can really feel your own value, and you can appreciate all of the good that you really are, THEN you will feel comfortable “being in love” with someone else, without the fear that you will somehow be consumed, controlled, or lose your self completely.

No one can ever control or consume you, unless you allow them to do so. Start to allow yourself to slowly feel the love you have inside, and take tiny steps to show that on the outside. Once you see that the world is still the same, and you are actually safe, then you can take another step with more confidence.

You can only give what you have inside, so it is not so much that you are not comfortable being in love with someone else, as it is that you have not been comfortable really loving YOU.

True love for Self does NOT come from ego. Self hate comes from ego. So it is a valuable lesson to love every part of your being – especially the parts you want to disown. It is important to view ALL of you as worthy, and not just certain parts of you. There are many people that have many different challenges in life. Some physical, some emotional. However, each one is an inherently special and precious spiritual/human being – including you!

Once you re-train your mind to view yourself with more love and acceptance, then you will more easily and comfortably be able to show this to someone else in return.

© Copyright 2012 by Barbara Rose, PhD All rights reserved.

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What a Soul Mate Relationship is REALLY all about

Individual Power

By Barbara Rose, PhD

OK – let’s get down to the myths and facts about what a soul mate relationship is REALLY all about to clear up what society has created… an illusion of rainbows and ice cream without a care in the world. That is the myth.

The other myth is, that your soul mate is the only person on the planet that you can be happy with. First, we are all spiritual and human beings. On the spiritual level, when soul mates meet, there is that instant “knowing” or familiarity, and there is a feeling of Heaven on Earth.

This is the soul’s remembrance of the love and the bond you shared from past lives, and the bond of love is eternal, so naturally you will feel as if you are picking up from where you left off, because you really are.

Now, once you meet and go through this initial stage of bliss, then the ego, on the personality level, feels as if you are “complete” now that you have your soul mate in your life. What is happening at this point is that the expectations of the relationship, stemming from the ego or personality level, are going to trigger the ego responses of your soul mate, and this is where the resistance begins… the disappointments, the feelings of doubt… yet the love is still very powerful and strong.

The reason why you met in this life is to heal old karmic patterns on a soul level, where parts of your personality need to be healed, and so on a soul level you and your soul mate will trigger and bring to the surface, all that you each came into this life to heal.

This is a most difficult process, one filled with pain and turmoil, as you each begin to see the issues the other person has to heal, and then on the personality level you begin to blame, or wish they could change.

You see their highest and best from the beginning, and they show their vast potential, yet at the same time, they are showing all of their weaknesses and split apart levels of Self that need to be healed, and integrated into wholeness… and the same is true for you.

Every issue, on a deep core soul level, that you came into this life to heal, will be triggered by your soul mate. Let me tell you that this is a grueling process, as we have to face our own areas of lack of self worth and heal them.

It all comes down to Self Love… because as you truly love Self, then many of the expectations of the other are released, then there is another component of the soul mate relationship where each of you must grow and heal.

Spiritual law forbids that soul mates remain together if one is not healing. For example, if one of you is there no matter what, and the other cannot be there, like a dear friend would be, you would hopefully grow with enough self love to understand that the other person is growing and doing their best with their current level of growth, and at the same time, you do deserve someone in your life who can, reciprocate in a healthy and loving manner.

This is why many soul mates do not spend the rest of their lives together. Although the love and care never die, each one has to take full responsibility to become their highest and best, and it is your soul mate who will get you to see the areas that are in the most need of healing.

As far as the reasons for why more highly evolved soul mates come together, it is to make a contribution for the betterment of any level of life on Earth. Soul mates who have grown through their challenges on the personal level, are then ready to contribute their highest and best,  as well as their authentic life purpose. This is the joy of the soul mate union.

Now, if you are “looking for your soul mate”, I can tell you that what you are looking for, is for all of your deep rooted issues to be brought to Light to be healed and resolved. This will take just about everything you’ve got inside, to heal, become whole and fully integrated on the personality level, and the soul level. This is a vastly difficult process.

Now if you have met your soul mate, and you are going through difficulty, this is where it is vital for you to turn the focus onto your areas that need to be healed, rather than focus on the other, because they are your mirror to come to inner and outer wholeness.

So when you say: “I wish he/she could be there for me more”, replace their name and put “I” instead, “I wish I could be there for me more.” This is the mirror reflection of the “soul level” issue that is crying out for healing.

It is so easy to see the other person’s issue, and it is a big blast to our ego to turn the spotlight onto our own selves. So the myth is that this union is a land of perfection and sunshine.

Please remember, that your soul mate is also in this life, in Earth school, to heal and grow, just like you are, just like we all are. And to place tremendous expectations on the other person, is fulfilling ego desire and attachment… it is not self healing.

We have to view both ourselves, and the other, with tremendous compassion and unconditional understanding. We have to release all judgment and criticism, both for them, and especially for ourselves.

Now, many soul mates do come together, and can break up, do some healing, and return again and again. This is quite common because the love never dies. What is happening here is that during the times apart, each person is doing their own self reflection and growth to become the highest and best you came into this life to be.

So after some time apart, we get to see how we could have done a better job, we are growing, so then you will find you may come back together again. We can’t continue the pain of wishing it “could” be a different way… this keeps us, our ego, and our personality in a prison of inner turmoil. We have to accept the person as they are now.

Here is another analogy for you. If someone is sick, and they sneeze, would you get all upset and take it personally? No of course not.

So it is the same when your ego and personality “react” to what they do or say out of expectation, rather than out of loving compassion and understanding. Each one is doing his and her own best, so do not take it into the core of your being (like I used to), and let it throw you into turmoil.

The more self love you gain the more compassion and understanding you will be able to give… Also, you really have to trust that sometimes soul mates are meant to stay together, after a long period of healing.

Other soul mate relationships must end, because one or both refuse to heal. The bond and the love are the deepest you will ever experience, and the personal growth and transformation will be the deepest of any relationship you have.

However, it can be a real rocky road, filled with tears and pain as you each struggle to grow into wholeness, which is the purpose of the soul mate relationship. We came into this life to grow, not stagnate. After we have healed our core issues, we can have much more of that bliss like you did in the beginning. This is why it is so important to focus on the issues your ego and expectations you are holding on to, so that you can grow, heal, and experience this bliss of Self Love, with zero ego attachment.

Once you reach this stage (It took me 4 years), then you will be free from pain. The ego gives way when we come into wholeness, and then we are free. We are also loving and compassionate towards our soul mate. If you are together or not, there is more understanding because the old ego needs are gone.

© Copyright 2012 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved.

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