I Tried to Belong Because I Wanted to Fit In

KNOW YOURSELF

I tried to belong because I wanted to fit in, and perhaps you tried to fit in, too.

Fit into what?

Social acceptance. Peer acceptance. Parental acceptance.

We were trying in myriad ways to gain acceptance from the outside because we did not fully know who we were from the inside.

We may have tried to get good grades in school, or to look a certain way. But no matter what we tried, that sense of belonging was based on something outside of us rather than on who we were within.

You and I had talents and gifts that might have been stifled or honored. But no matter how much we were applauded or scolded, our search for inner knowing was stunted during these years—because we could not identify with soul wisdom on the outside. And I am sure you will agree that we could rarely talk about it to those in our lives at that time.

How were we supposed to know ourselves during our preteen years? By our surroundings and how we felt in our environment. During those years of inner innocence, we only knew if we felt safe and honored, or unsafe and dishonored.

Our achievements may have been wonderful or paltry—but we were never taught to honor our own authentic power. We were taught to give it away. And we were taught to measure our worth by the grades we received, the way we looked, the ribbons we won, or whether we obeyed our parents. Our worth was all conditional.

So we were conditioned to tiptoe around outer conditions to get a greater sense of who we were, and our golden moments were when we received outer approval or validation.

Our most treacherous moments occurred when we forsook our own identity or truth to gain acceptance from the outside. These betrayals remained within our cellular memories for quite a number of years.

We learned adaptation. But we never learned self-honor. We learned to listen to everyone other than ourselves.

We learned to obey what others said as opposed to what was true for us. We watched TV and saw values portrayed that were the opposite of our reality. We longed for what was on TV, where the children were honored. Were you honored? At times I was, and at times I wasn’t. Like me, you learned to adapt to a constant sea of conditioned responses in order to feel safe, secure, accepted, and honored.

You may have been honored for certain behaviors that to this day you call your strengths. You may have been dishonored for other behaviors, and you may still be grappling with how to grow beyond whatever part of yourself you have disowned.

It is vital for you to remember that we incarnated into this life to be all we came here to be. You do have a purpose, and yet during your preteen years you might never have been honored for your true inner gifts. You may have learned to stifle your greatest talents and attributes in order to keep the adults in your life feeling secure with the limited wisdom they may have had about you. Many adults might have felt threatened by your special traits. Perhaps they didn’t know how to relate to you. Years ago, many people believed that children were at their best when they were quiet. It was said that children should be seen but not heard. As a result, few of us were taught to speak out and rock the boat! Few of us were taught to prepare for a life in which self-sufficiency, creativity, spiritual gifts, independence, and self-expression would be honored.

We were told to believe in the Cinderella theory, and to validate our worth from the outside in—and that alone has taken decades of pain to overcome. You may not have overcome it yet—but you are about to.

Were you praised for being the real you when you were a preteen? I would venture to say you were praised for listening, or obeying, and perhaps for a talent or two that your family liked to see.

If you belong to the vast majority of women who were raised to believe in everything other than the core of who they are, you most likely find it quite difficult to learn how to know yourself when you were mostly praised for obeying others.

This is the hallmark of forgetfulness among women. You forgot who you were while you were busy looking for ways to gain acceptance from those around you. Your wise soul could not relate to those people and circumstances, and perhaps you had few if any people you could share your truest feelings with—so they, too, became lost.

How can you know yourself when you can’t talk about your innermost feelings with the people around you?

How can you know yourself when you are held to a standard of acceptance based solely on your observed actions or performance? Did anyone ever ask you to honor the wisdom of your soul?

I doubt that they did—because they had also forgotten the wisdom of their own souls as they played out the roles taught to them based on the morals and beliefs of the society in which they were raised.

Many of us were not raised in a society that appreciated lightworkers. They are people (and you may be one of them) with spiritual gifts who openly share and express those gifts in order to help others awaken and evolve in our world. Many times their spiritual gifts are not openly received, and they are negatively labeled as “New Age fruitcakes.” You may be a highly evolved soul stifled in a spiritual closet. You may have wisdom within you that is so vast. And at the same time you may have next to nobody with whom you can relate or share, nobody you can even learn from.

This book is in your hands because you want to reclaim your radiance. You want glowing confidence.
Everything you want is everything you’ve already got on the inside. I take you on this journey through your life so you can see why you may not feel so radiant or whole or confident.

It is because the confidence you had when you were born was largely squelched during your younger years, and in your preteen years your inner radiance was based on whether you received approval from others.

How radiant do you expect to feel when you seek approval from others? The more approval you need, the more deeply you have buried your true self.
The more invalidated you feel, the more status you seek in society. The more you lack trust, the more you try to control the outcome of events in your life. By “trust,” I mean going with the flow, knowing that your highest good is always taken care of with divine guidance from the angelic realm and God, or whatever you believe is the highest source of pure love and wisdom in the universe, the source that is always present to assist you unconditionally in every moment of your life.

© Copyright 2006 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Chapter excerpt reprinted with permission from the book Know Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Wholeness, Radiance & Supreme Confidence. (Rose Group ,January 2006) ISBN: 0974145734

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Exclusive Excerpt Ultimate Guide to Self Love

Ultimate Guide to Self Love

By Barbara Rose, PhD

Here are a few guidelines you can take from within to build your self worth, esteem, and help you bring out all you desire to be and express in your life. They are phrased in first person to help you integrate them, until you are living your truth on all levels, in all areas of your life and are, in fact, genuinely feeling pure love and acceptance for yourself.

* I remember that whether or not someone is in my life is never a reflection of me; it is merely a reflection of their preference, and I honor their preference without taking it personally and allowing it to hurt me.

* I remember that whether I believe I can or I believe I can’t, I’m right!

* I know that what I create in my life is an expression of what fills my heart with joy. It is never a validation of who I am–it is pure expression.

* I know that outward status does not constitute a person’s worth. All people are equally worthy during pleasant times and unpleasant times.

* I realize that my greatest challenges have been my greatest teachers. I have learned much from the difficulties I have been through, and I help others, even if only by sharing.

* I create every circumstance in my life, and I do so in cooperation with others, all with pure motives.

* I use the **following guideline to manifest the life I came here to live, beginning with how I view myself:

** Decide. I decide how I want to feel, how I prefer to live, and how I prefer to create my life.

** Commit. I commit fully to the process.

** Be Willing. I am willing to do whatever it takes with dignity and pure motives, including the mirror dialogue, to help me shine from the inside out.

** Let Go. I let go of the expectations of others, along with my doubts, and replace them with what feels true for me.

** Follow. I follow my truth every moment, and I follow through in my actions everything that represents my highest and deepest truth.

** Wait. I have patience with an ever unfolding process in my life, and I remember to enjoy the process rather than just live for an outcome.

** Experience. I am experiencing all I first decided to, and now I am living completely in the moment, enjoying this journey called my life.

* My creative expression is too important to stifle out of fear of what others think. I bring my creative expression out from my heart because I care that it makes a difference while I enjoy the process.

* My romantic relationship is with a person who is my dearest and best friend. We are fully supportive of each other and trust each other completely.

* I listen to my body and rest when I feel tired, go for a walk in nature when I need rejuvenation, and consume only what is good for my body.

* I remember that the goals I am working to achieve constitute every moment of my life, and I live them out with passion.

* I ask for support when I need it, and allow myself to be real.

* In my writings to God, I ask to know about anything that is unconsciously holding me back, and how to transform it.

* In my writings, and each day, I ask to be divinely guided toward only what is for my highest good and the highest good of all.

* I speak to and treat all others in the same manner that I would want to be treated and spoken to.

* I stop looking for outward status and start being a pure change that I would love to see in this world.

* I never explain my personal views or spiritual preferences to people who cannot relate. I share what I choose to share only with people who can be supportive rather than arguing with me to negate my truth.

* I select my close personal friends very carefully based on the goodness in their hearts, and for no other reason.

* I remember to ask for pointers and guidance from people who are in a position I would like to move into, and I trust they will be happy to give me a few pointers in a positive direction.

* I admit my true feelings to myself rather than fighting them and trying to make them go away. They are trying to tell me something I need to acknowledge and know.

* I create my life’s work and purpose based solely on heartfelt inspiration. Passion, not outcomes, fuels my purpose.

* I fully trust that when something does not work out the way my personality wanted it to, ultimately, it worked out for my highest good.

* I trust that any delay is a blessing in disguise.

* I set priorities for my daily activities according to what I feel most inspired to do. My schedule is filled only with what I love.

* I stop doing anything that no longer brings me joy, with the exception of caring for my children, and clear out any part of my life that I no longer feel excited about.

* I know that I am the creator today of what my life will look like tomorrow.

* If I ever worry about what others are going to think, I remind myself that anyone can think many things. What is most important is following through with what I believe in my heart is real and true, so long as it brings harm to no one, including myself.

* I stay away from drama, gossip, negative people, and negative situations. I surround myself only with people and situations that reflect the pure truth inside my heart.

* I stop trying to follow what others are doing, and instead create and bring out what I love as my own unique contribution to my life and this world.

* I remember that no matter how successful a person may be, the truest form of success is a loving and pure heart. That is priceless and eternal.

© Copyright 2009, 2012 Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Exclusive Excerpt from the book The Ultimate Guide to Self Love (Published by The Rose Group, September 2009) ISBN:0979516153.

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About the Author:

Dr. Barbara Sherry Rose, most widely known as “Born To Inspire” was born in Bayside, New York. She attended Franklin College in Lugano, Switzerland, was an honor student at The American University School of International Service in Washington, D.C., and was inducted into Kappa Tau Alpha National Honor Society for Journalism and Mass Communication. Dr. Rose is the bestselling author of twenty five books, a world renowned Life Transformation Specialist, and one of today’s most loved and respected spiritual teachers. As Founder of International Institute of Higher Self Communication merged with Global Life Transformation Foundation she shares the nondenominational process of receiving answers from God, transforming the lives of millions across the globe. Her highly acclaimed work is widely sought after and published internationally with subscribers spanning 191 countries.

Did You Ever Say, “He Won’t Let Me”? Who Is Running Your Life?

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If there is a person in your life who is not honoring you or who is telling you what to do as if you were a puppet on a tight string… Continue reading

Say “NO” Without Guilt, Relationship Answers and Overcoming Fears

I'm Not in this Life to Please YOU!
Say “NO” Without Guilt, Relationship Answers and Overcoming Fears
By Barbara Rose, PhD

The following are key questions submitted by my subscribers along with the answers. They are here for you to help you honor your real truth, so that you can feel self love and your genuine worth as an equal member of the human race, which you most certainly are!

Question About Personal Transformation: “Is there 1 thing/technique or affirmation I can do to dissolve fear in my life? I’m sure there are many things I can do for this but many times I feel overwhelmed. So that is why I am asking for just 1 thing I can practice daily.”

Answer

“Yes. This is a lot simpler than many realize.

Every time you notice yourself feeling overwhelmed with fear, immediately become consciously aware of the thoughts that are going through your mind.

You will most likely discover that the ego has run rampant with mental thoughts and projections out in the future, creating scenarios within your mind that are actually causing your fears.

Once you notice this, immediately bring your conscious awareness right into the present moment. You can look at a tree, or anything in front of you, and remind yourself that the future based thought projections are literally imaginary. It is not actual reality in your current moment. Once you re-train your mind to keep focus completely in the now moment, those fears will literally vanish, and you will feel a lot more inner peace.”

Question About Love Relationships:“: Am I mistaken that a love relationship should be the most important and most fulfilling thing in my life? Someone to talk to about the highs and lows of life and work, and exchange affections with, phone calls or notes, etc., every day? Or am I too focused on relationship and need to get more from outside it, and from myself.”

Answer

“A partner, lover or friend can never be your oxygen tube for inner joy and happiness.”

The desire you have is trying to fill an inner void that you feel, and your thinking that if you had a fulfilling relationship THEN you would be happy is the ego leading you down a path that will always be filled with uncertainty, worry, and even anxiety. If you DID have the relationship and perhaps had a misunderstanding or a break-up, then your sense of joy would be shattered because it is DEPENDENT upon the other person.

Ideally, what you must re-discover is all of the goodness within you, as well as how you can bring your own unique purpose and expression out in your life, so your joy is created from within. Then it cannot be taken away from you. When you reach the point that you feel very fulfilled from within, and are perfectly neutral about a relationship, meaning that you are truly happy without one, and are simultaneously open to experiencing a great one when a phenomenal person enters your life, then you will be ready to share yourself and create a fulfilling relationship based on building a pure, solid friendship over time.

Your relationship will no longer come from a place of NEED, but of choice, while you feel the inner confidence to be completely transparent, sharing your authentic self. Additionally, you ideally would be far better off really becoming your own best friend FIRST, so that you attract a person with the same high level of self love and esteem who will have the capacity to be entirely authentic with you.

Question About Overcoming Fears of Saying NO

How to learn to say “no” and not have a bad conscience when people are asking for just a little help when you actually do not feel for that or have no time and doing this would make you feel as you stealing precious time from yourself.”

Answer

“When you notice your feelings and you consciously realize that you truly prefer to say “no”, all you need to do is say so graciously.”

You can say that you’re not able to, or that it’s just not a good time for you, or you don’t feel comfortable doing what is being asked of you.

Like anything else, in the beginning it feels scary to say “no”, but each time you do, you are building a strong foundation of self truth that creates a clear, definitive, and healthy internal boundary that you can count on, which leads to tremendous self confidence and high self esteem.

What you are doing is honoring your truth, rather than forsaking your truth just to please someone else in order to gain approval and acceptance, or to look good. This gets easier and easier each time you honor your real truth, based on how you really feel.

After a while you will automatically reply coming from a place of pure self truth, and you will feel great about it, because you are giving yourself the acceptance that you previously felt you needed from the other person. Your self esteem grows stronger each time, built on authenticity. Then, you realize you are becoming your own best friend, and will never again let yourself down just to please another person.

© Copyright 2011 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved.