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Turning Tragedy into Self-Empowerment

the-world-better By Barbara Rose, PhD

How can tragedy be empowering? Because it brings you to the moment of truth, the real truth, the truth that ultimately sets you free. Through the darkness of tragedy, you reach the dawn, which is the moment you decide it will never be this way again.

This is the moment when you change the entire direction of the rest of your life because you refuse to go back to where you have just been.

The fact is that many people, most people, have to endure untold heartache and tragedy before they wake up, before they realize they have a choice. The direction of your life is in your hands alone. Blame for where you are in this life cannot be placed on any other. When we stop blaming and start creating the vision we want to see fulfilled, we then feel authentically empowered from within.

As I said earlier, I did have ample opportunity to take care of what I needed to, but I thought laziness and stagnation was so much easier. Obviously I thought wrong. Personal stagnation breeds self-hate. It feeds on negativity. It seeks injustice. It does not carry the exuberance, passion, and joy that accompany the search for new, better, and brighter paths and the striving toward fulfillment of your deepest dreams. Taking your life into your own hands and turning it around entirely, all of your own choosing, is an extraordinary adventure. Yes, it is scary. Change is always scary. But it is also thrilling. And after a while, you get used to the new, better way. And the old ways become as uncomfortable as shoes that are three sizes too small.

WHY So why do millions and millions of people suffer beneath the dictates of their own false views or the dictates of others who they wrongly perceive as holding their happiness or even their very survival in their hands? Why must you undergo any unpleasant circumstance that is not of your own choosing? Why, I ask you, are you holding on to something or someone, or some position in your career or in society that is not bringing you absolute joy? Who, besides your very own self, tells you that you don’t have a choice?

This is your biggest lie to yourself.
You do have a choice. 

I tell you this boldly, straight to your face: Each day that you hold on to this person or situation that does not bring you joy, you choose it as your reality. If you let go, if you walk away, if you no longer allow that person or situation into your life – then you are free! And you know what part of your life this pertains to. Did you ever have a job you hated? Did you ever just hang in there because you needed the money to pay the bills? Did anyone ever suggest that you simply get another job? Were you afraid to let go, in spite of your misery? You held on to your unhappiness because you bought into the belief that you had to. You believed you didn’t have a choice, right? Well, suppose you got fired from that job. What then? Would you die? No, you’d get another job. Perhaps a better one! Perhaps one in which you made enough to buy a new pair of shoes after you paid your bills.

Here’s the point:

If you are not happy, then your situation is not in your best interest. 

You can come up with every rationalization known to humankind, but the bottom line is that it starts with you.
Change can begin only when you decide it can. 

01-Ind-Power Excerpt from the book Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth, and Your Life Published by The Rose Group © Copyright 2003, 2011, 2020 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved.


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Creating High Self Esteem Will Transform Your Life


By Barbara Rose, PhD

“Self esteem is the foundation from which a life can be fully lived. Belief in Self is paramount to realize your goals and make the profound difference you came into this life to make. Self truth is the core foundation of Self Esteem.”

“If you are complaining about your life, immediately stop. Complaints will get you nowhere. In one moment you can make the decision to create the life you really want to live. All it takes is a decision, backed by inspired action and follow through. Remember that in the seeds of our deepest despair lies the keys to creating the transformation we want to see. Use your adverse circumstances as a springboard from which you summon up the determination to turn it all around completely. No one else can do this for you. This is why you are in this life – to grow, evolve, transform and make a difference. Start with making that difference for yourself then you will feel inspired to help others who are in the shoes you were once in. Start by making that decision now.”

“If you wish to better your life, then you must release all belief that by so doing you will be a better person. The key is in knowing that you are a supreme being just as you are and that “bettering your life” is just a means of self-expression. It is your divine expression to live according to your grandest preferences–not because it will make you better but because you are serving as a result of discovering and expressing the best you have within you.”

“You are here to experience yourself, not ‘fix’ yourself. You are not broken and you do not need to be fixed!”

“Whoever put you down during your life lied to you.

Your outer achievements or failures never constitute your REAL worth as a human being. All you are comes from your heart. All you will ever be you were already born to be. It’s all inside of you, NOW. Take a good look into your heart and when you find the goodness that’s already there you will know that all you need to do to feel better is to bring out all of that goodness already within you.”

“The people who laugh at you, the ones who ridicule you, are the precise people who do not have the courage to live up to their highest potential. View them with loving compassion while you simultaneously stop telling them your business. If there is someone in your life who is not fully supportive of you, you certainly do not need that person in your life. Start being your own greatest support system by removing yourself from unsupportive people.”

© Copyright 2003, 2019 By Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Excerpt re-printed with permission from the book Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life Published by The Rose Group (April 17, 2003) ISBN-13: 9780974145709.


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When the River Of Your Life Takes a Sudden Turn


01-Ind-Power By Barbara Rose, PhD

Your life is like a river, with bends, twists, calm, turbulence, and all kinds of experiences
along the way. When your actions match your thoughts and
feelings, your truth, the ride down this river is an enriching experience.
Now imagine riding down the river with one leg in one
canoe labeled your genuine thoughts and feelings, and the
other leg in another canoe labeled your actions.When you
feel something in your heart and think something in your
mind, but your spoken words do not reflect that truth, the
two canoes separate, pulling your legs apart as you ride the
river of your life. This is a most painful way to travel, and
the simple truth is that it is unnecessary.
If you applied this concept to every area of your life, starting
today, your life would certainly make a dramatic turnaround
because you would genuinely be living your truth.
To do this, first acknowledge every aspect of your life in
which your actions or words are not congruent with your
genuine thoughts and feelings. Next, place all of those aspects
in an imaginary basket. Then, one by one, resolve
those aspects or get rid of them once and for all.
Suppose you are not truly happy with your job but you
continue to go to this place of employment day in and day
out. Put the job in the basket, find a better one more in line
with what you love to do, and toss out the old job.

You may be in a long-term relationship; perhaps the one
you love has been sitting on the fence, causing you a lot of
pain. You can never demand that others do something they
are not ready for, but you can make your own decision to either
continue living with the pain of settling for less than you
deserve or to walk to the other side of the fence alone.When
you do that, you clear the way for someone else to enter your
life…You see, it takes courage to live your truth, to be honest
with yourself and show it. It is far easier, and far more painful,
to feel one way and behave in another.
Why is this called spiritual consciousness? Because it provides
the impetus to get in touch with the deepest part of your
innermost being, the true core of you and you alone. When
you bring your essence, your truth, out from within and up to
the surface of your life, then you can see and feel the real you
in all your life experiences.
When you do this, you glow.You awaken your own vitality.
Your unique inner spirit comes forth and shines in every part
of your life.
Your consciousness, which is your mind, intelligence, intuition,
and wisdom, marries that inner essence, which is
your unique, individual expression. It is the flour and water
combined that makes the wonderful bread.
Self-truth causes us to face things we would rather avoid.
Yet, after enduring the pain of traveling down the river of life
with each leg in a different canoe simultaneously moving in
opposite directions, at some point we make the decision to bring the two together.

From this point forward we find
peace. Our inner life matches our outer life.We say how we
really feel.We speakwhat we honestly think.We dowhat we
know to be right, true, genuine, and good for us and others.
We stop avoiding the truth and find the guts to live it and
express it no matter how itmay temporarily bruise our own
ego or someone else’s.
This is taking individual power to the pinnacle of performance;
this will transform every obstacle life offers.
If you believe in your heart that you want something,
your actions will take you in the direction of your goal one
step at a time. Conversely, if you desire to achieve something,
and you do not do what it takes to reach that goal no
matter how difficult it may be, then your legs are back in
two separate canoes moving in two different directions
along the river of your life. This is no way to travel. It is
painful and gets you nowhere.
The current of a river changes moment to moment and
day to day. You cannot go backwards and duplicate yesterday’s
path. You cannot live with regret, wallowing at the
turn you didn’t take prior to this moment. You have to begin
where you are now and ride the river of the rest of your
life moment to moment, with your canoes aligned. Then
and only thenwill you ultimately getwhere you want to be.
So if life brought a storm, and the ride was miserable,
okay; now what are you going to do?
If you believe you can have a better life, you are right!
Match your belief with your actions, and your journey will
surely take you there.
If you believe this is it and there can be no change, no
benefit, growth, opportunity, or learning, then you do not
realize you are traveling on a river. You have managed to
convince yourself you are in your grave.

So you may find that being honest with yourself is difficult.
It is scary and painful. Yet the eternal saying still carries
all of the wisdomin theworld: “The truth shall set you free.”
No matter what you try to have, do, be, bring into your
life,make better, or release from your life, as long as your efforts
genuinely match your truth and your motive is purely
to live your truth, then ultimately youwill indeed have what
you need. As you live your truth, you will refuse to settle for
less than what you know, deep inside, is best for you.
If you do settle for less, then you are not living your
truth. You are, once again, riding your river with each leg in
a different canoe, where pain is the only possible result.
There is a saying I learned along my life journey: “You
cannot serve two masters.”You cannot serve love and fear at
the same time. You cannot serve truth and fallacy at the
same time.
So at each step, for each decision, you must make a
After giving in to fear or fallacy over and over again and
finally realizing the river of your life has taken you nowhere
you truly want to be, you learn, as I have learned, that self
denial, procrastination, and wimping out are not the truth.
Ultimately, you choose to be true to you. Your life then
becomes a physical expression of your ideal you, one day,
one experience, and one decision at a time. It is then and
only then that you are genuinely free.
You refuse to settle, give in, or give up at the expense of
you and your truth. Then you ride your river with joy, inner
peace, and clarity of thought. Then you achieve the results
you seek. Yes, this is the scariest part of life. It requires the
most courage…

I have spoken much about letting go of fears when seeking
to manifest something, and I have talked about embracing a
challenge no matter how tragic or painful it may appear to be.
How does one genuinely do this? With hindsight, I realized
that I always saw the gift as a result of an unpleasant circumstance.
I also looked back and realized how hard I fought
to hold on to what I did not want to change inmy life. Trying
to keep the status quo is not transforming an obstacle into an
opportunity. It is delaying or trying to stop the realization of
an opportunity, no matter how much we think we do not
want it.
Our egos will fight, but ultimately, our highest purpose
and the wisdom of our soul will win. That explains the cliché,
“Everything always works out in the end.” Sometimes it
works out after much fighting on our part.

Move into the area you fear most. Tell yourself: “No matter
how I may be fighting this now, the gifts of this experience
will emerge over time.No matter how much my fearful
personality fights this experience, I can see from past experience
that something happened for reasons I was unable to
see at the time. For the first time, I amgoing to trust, even if
it is for only a second at a time. I am going to allow this river
to take me where I probably wanted to wind up anyway but
did not know exactly how to get there. Life knows.”
We cannot know everything at every turn. That iswhy so
many of us hold on to our current realities so tightly. The
unknown is out of the ego’s domain. It is the domain of the
soul, filled with wisdom and gifts. The only domain of the
ego is the past. A prior point of reference, based on the experiences
we have already lived. We want to evolve, however,
not stagnate in our own history.
You will find that as you move willingly into the experience
staring you in the face, a lot of the pain and anxiety
lessens. You may even begin to see the gifts offered as a result
of the experience a lot faster, which of course will only
help you.
I love analogies. So here is mine. Back to the river:
You are on this wild river of your life. The river is your
life. You have a goal or a number of them. You have dreams,
hopes, wishes, and a life purpose. They all intertwine. You
think something is supposed to happen at a certain time or
in a certain way as you ride along. Then comes the bend in
the river. The current takes you inwhat you think is a different
direction. You grab onto a branch dangling from a tree,
and you hold on for dear life. You fight, cry, bargain with God, resist, avoid, and fight, fight, fight the current with every
ounce of fearful strength your personality has to offer.
What you or your personality or your ego can not see is
that this bend is taking you exactly where you truly wanted to
go. But you are so busy fighting it all and holding on that it is
only after you let go that you realize it. Maybe you let go two
years later. Maybe twenty. I hope you will let go at the onset of
this bend in the river and move with the current rather than
fight it. Then you will realize how necessary this bend is to get
you where you want to be.
I just experienced this in my own life. Letting go was the
hardest thing for me. I always wanted to feel in control. I
fought until I was left with no choice. And then, I was grateful.
Or I understood. Or I realized all of the reasons why.
We will always discover the reasons in hindsight, but with
this process, we can see them from the beginning, and that
truly transforms the obstacles our fears create for us.
Move into the experience you are fighting so hard to avoid.
The gifts are there!
I wish you every joy and beauty life offers, and I wish that
you discover where it truly resides: within you.

© Copyright 2001, 2003, 2011, 2019 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life re-printed with permission, published by The Rose Group (April 17, 2003) ISBN: 097414570X.

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Your Individual Power to Turn Your Life Around Starting Now

Individual Power
By Barbara Rose, PhD

Your personal power begins with the dawn
of your realization of your personal worth.

Think of yourself as a baby, as you were when you were
nine months old. When you were small, your views of self
were not tainted by the false words and perceptions of others.
You were pure, whole, complete.

Then, you looked at everything, saw everything, and believed
in everything other than yourself.

You can’t believe in yourself when you don’t believe you
are worth spending your days passionately absorbed in joyful

Survival, yes. We must all survive, but we are also entitled
to survive with personal dignity and with joy.

We can work and love our job. We can eat and love the
food. We can sleep and adore the person beside us. We can
dream and see ourselves where we will one day be, if only we
decide it is to be so.

It is the love of the work
that brings you pleasure,
not the moment the workday is over.

How, I ask you, do you suppose you can be an effective,
thriving individual if your esteem bank is empty? You can’t.
Your value feeds on itself, derives its pleasures and inspiration
From within, from your purpose, and from the joy you receive
by living that purpose.

A vast majority of the masses inhabiting Earth at this time
live like robots. They are on automatic pilot, numb to their
true joy.

Yet there are souls who thrive, who shine, who glow – rich
in self-esteem, wealthy in self-belief, prosperous in love, and
compassionately giving.

These are the people who inspire you.
Why aren’t you one of them? You will become one of them
the moment you decide to be the best you can be – because
you will have taken the step to honor your worth.

To sacrifice your core self for someone else’s benefit, to
throw away your life to satisfy another is the biggest crime.
When you do that, you steal from your very self.

And your age is not an excuse. If you believe the lie that it is
too late to start over, you will regret it later. No matter how old
you are, even if you are in your seventies or eighties, you are
not too old to begin taking personal responsibility and creating
positive change in your life.

Today is the day to begin, or tomorrow, to rise with the sun
and decide exactly who you are, who you wish to become, and
declare to yourself that you no longer choose to sacrifice your
being, and value for the benefit of another at the expense of
your very life.

When you do not take the initiative to be who you came
into this life to be, then each day you face misery. And, ultimately,
you will face illness because your system will be
toxic from self-hate and lack of joy. It will begin to shut
down because it will have nothing left to fight for.

Give yourself everything, every joy to fight for, and you
will find vitality and health, and you will glow once again
when you look in the mirror.

By choosing to pursue joy, you will accomplish far more
than you ever could by toiling away for endless hours in a
dead-end job, with personal decay as your weekly payment.

No other person is responsible for your life. When you
blame another, you do not validate your true self.

If you truly want a better life,
take your life into your own hands
and create it for your very own self.

What others have does not matter. What matters is who
you are. Once you decide who you are, you will become that
person eventually. One moment at a time, your life will be

Take the initiative to dismantle every part of your life
that causes you misery. Leave behind each task, obligation,
job, person, or pattern you no longer want. Replace them
with the qualities and purpose you have always dreamed of.
Replace them, perhaps, with enjoying peaceful, quiet time
alone or spending more time with people you care about or
engaging in activities that bring you pleasure. Clean out the
clutter, doubt, and negativity in your mind, and eliminate
the false views so you can truly live again. You can do this
easily by seeking to find the gift in any seemingly negative
circumstance. Replace every complaint with a new creation.
Replace every quality you feel unhappy about with the
belief that you have within you the ability to be all you were
born to be.

Live. See. Do. Discover. Be you! Get to know who you really
are. This is your responsibility to yourself. All else follows.

For how can you be there for others when you disregard your
self? You can’t. You need yourself.

Without your self, how could you ever know the joy you
will experience as soon as you decide exactly where you are

Begin now. You have a clean slate. The future is what you
cause it to be.

Create a brand-new you, and one day you will look back
and thank yourself for giving you the gift of you! You need
permission from only one person: yourself. It’s your time to
thrive. The next chapter will tell you exactly how to do it.

Individual Power Excerpt re-printed with permission from the book Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life © Copyright 2001, 2003, 2013, 2019 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Published by The Rose Group (April, 2003) ISBN-10:09741457X.

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The Surprising Secret of Getting Love from Another


01-Ind-Power By Barbara Rose, PhD

As a self-loving person, you will recognize that you cannot, ever, make someone else love you, be good to you, be your friend, or be there for you. No matter how hard you try, and especially when you try, you cannot force love, friendship, or caring from another person.

Have you ever felt someone else wanted you to love him or her? No matter what that person did or how hard he or she tried, did it work? No. It did not.

As we all know, chemistry between two people cannot be created or destroyed. Physical chemistry is either there or it is not. But the physical relationship between two people is not the same as love.

What is this perplexing phenomenon that has plagued man and woman through the centuries? What is love? Where does it come from? It comes from being yourself. Loving yourself. Finding honor, respect, and joy in, of, and because of yourself. Love comes when you awaken your interests, passions, and joys; when you use your talents and abilities to achieve your goals; when you thrive in areas you have not yet dreamed of; when you dare to dream even more.

Love is to be your own best friend.

To need you. To depend on you,

to honor, respect, adore, obey, cherish, and love you.

That is the key!

The key is you, not the other.

If the other also loved him- or herself, there would be no insincerity, lying, manipulation, fear, jealousy, degradation, abuse, cheating, or fighting. There would be differences of opinion and differences in preference or perspective, but not war between the other and you.

There would be a sweet, magnetic chemistry. Then there would be friendship.

In this friendship between two people who love, respect, and understand themselves there would be honesty with each other. People would not hold back their real feelings because to do so would be to lie to themselves as well as to the other.

People would not stop a meaningful activity simply because someone called them for a date. The date would be set for another time. People would not be upset or jump to melodramatic, illogical conclusions just because they have not heard from a special someone for a few days. They would hope all is fine with the other person and would trust that they will be in touch when the time is right.

People would not feel they have to be with each other simply because the calendar says it’s Friday or Saturday. There would, however, be regard for each other’s feelings, and both would assume that if they would like to get together, then it would be more appropriate to make tentative plans than no plans at all.

In our society, it is no secret, no surprise at all, that when two people start to date, all kinds of expectations arise; all kinds of games are brought into play. No wonder there are so many people home alone at night. Who needs the games; who wants the insincerity? Nobody!

The key word here is “want.”

You have to want nothing.

You have to be everything, for you.

When you have grown and evolved enough to be your own dearest and best friend, and when you have grown and evolved enough to encourage another to do whatever he or she needs to do for happiness or fulfillment, that is when you can be sure the special person in your life will be the mirror image of you.

That person will play with you and challenge you to be your very best. That person will honor himself and understand his own perspective, feelings, beliefs, attitudes, principles, preferences, and desires. And that person will naturally love, honor, and understand you.

When you let go of all of the wanting, the longing, the desperation, the agonizing, and the fear, you find something wonderful and magical happens: you have it. You have love.

Stop trying; start being.

Stop doing everything to get that other person. Start being everything you want to be for you, and you will find that person will one day open his eyes and see that you are the one he’s been searching for all along.

This is what it means to let go, to move on. You don’t throw your love out the window; to the contrary, you throw out your focus on loving the other. And you fill that void with love of self.

When you see yourself

as the source of your own pleasure,

you do not need it

to come from another.

As this need vanishes, you become even more desirable than you would be if you were at another person’s beck and call.

For how can people desire that which they have, and how can they strive to attain the level of intimacy they deserve if it is given to them so freely, so easily, without having been earned?

When you work toward a mutual, beneficial relationship, you both bring and contribute your gift of self to the union. Whether it is for a day, a year, a decade, or a lifetime, each person contributes the very essence of himself or herself.

You each already know exactly where you stand, what behaviors you will accept, and which ones you will not put up with.

© Copyright 2001, 2003, 2016 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life re-printed with permission, published by The Rose Group (April 17, 2003) ISBN-10: 097414570X.

Individual PowerIndividual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life

If your life fell apart and you need to start over, this is the book that will successfully guide you into the life you truly want to live.


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What a Soul Mate Relationship is REALLY all about

Individual Power

By Barbara Rose, PhD

OK – let’s get down to the myths and facts about what a soul mate relationship is REALLY all about to clear up what society has created… an illusion of rainbows and ice cream without a care in the world. That is the myth.

The other myth is, that your soul mate is the only person on the planet that you can be happy with. First, we are all spiritual and human beings. On the spiritual level, when soul mates meet, there is that instant “knowing” or familiarity, and there is a feeling of Heaven on Earth.

This is the soul’s remembrance of the love and the bond you shared from past lives, and the bond of love is eternal, so naturally you will feel as if you are picking up from where you left off, because you really are.

Now, once you meet and go through this initial stage of bliss, then the ego, on the personality level, feels as if you are “complete” now that you have your soul mate in your life. What is happening at this point is that the expectations of the relationship, stemming from the ego or personality level, are going to trigger the ego responses of your soul mate, and this is where the resistance begins… the disappointments, the feelings of doubt… yet the love is still very powerful and strong.

The reason why you met in this life is to heal old karmic patterns on a soul level, where parts of your personality need to be healed, and so on a soul level you and your soul mate will trigger and bring to the surface, all that you each came into this life to heal.

This is a most difficult process, one filled with pain and turmoil, as you each begin to see the issues the other person has to heal, and then on the personality level you begin to blame, or wish they could change.

You see their highest and best from the beginning, and they show their vast potential, yet at the same time, they are showing all of their weaknesses and split apart levels of Self that need to be healed, and integrated into wholeness… and the same is true for you.

Every issue, on a deep core soul level, that you came into this life to heal, will be triggered by your soul mate. Let me tell you that this is a grueling process, as we have to face our own areas of lack of self worth and heal them.

It all comes down to Self Love… because as you truly love Self, then many of the expectations of the other are released, then there is another component of the soul mate relationship where each of you must grow and heal.

Spiritual law forbids that soul mates remain together if one is not healing. For example, if one of you is there no matter what, and the other cannot be there, like a dear friend would be, you would hopefully grow with enough self love to understand that the other person is growing and doing their best with their current level of growth, and at the same time, you do deserve someone in your life who can, reciprocate in a healthy and loving manner.

This is why many soul mates do not spend the rest of their lives together. Although the love and care never die, each one has to take full responsibility to become their highest and best, and it is your soul mate who will get you to see the areas that are in the most need of healing.

As far as the reasons for why more highly evolved soul mates come together, it is to make a contribution for the betterment of any level of life on Earth. Soul mates who have grown through their challenges on the personal level, are then ready to contribute their highest and best,  as well as their authentic life purpose. This is the joy of the soul mate union.

Now, if you are “looking for your soul mate”, I can tell you that what you are looking for, is for all of your deep rooted issues to be brought to Light to be healed and resolved. This will take just about everything you’ve got inside, to heal, become whole and fully integrated on the personality level, and the soul level. This is a vastly difficult process.

Now if you have met your soul mate, and you are going through difficulty, this is where it is vital for you to turn the focus onto your areas that need to be healed, rather than focus on the other, because they are your mirror to come to inner and outer wholeness.

So when you say: “I wish he/she could be there for me more”, replace their name and put “I” instead, “I wish I could be there for me more.” This is the mirror reflection of the “soul level” issue that is crying out for healing.

It is so easy to see the other person’s issue, and it is a big blast to our ego to turn the spotlight onto our own selves. So the myth is that this union is a land of perfection and sunshine.

Please remember, that your soul mate is also in this life, in Earth school, to heal and grow, just like you are, just like we all are. And to place tremendous expectations on the other person, is fulfilling ego desire and attachment… it is not self healing.

We have to view both ourselves, and the other, with tremendous compassion and unconditional understanding. We have to release all judgment and criticism, both for them, and especially for ourselves.

Now, many soul mates do come together, and can break up, do some healing, and return again and again. This is quite common because the love never dies. What is happening here is that during the times apart, each person is doing their own self reflection and growth to become the highest and best you came into this life to be.

So after some time apart, we get to see how we could have done a better job, we are growing, so then you will find you may come back together again. We can’t continue the pain of wishing it “could” be a different way… this keeps us, our ego, and our personality in a prison of inner turmoil. We have to accept the person as they are now.

Here is another analogy for you. If someone is sick, and they sneeze, would you get all upset and take it personally? No of course not.

So it is the same when your ego and personality “react” to what they do or say out of expectation, rather than out of loving compassion and understanding. Each one is doing his and her own best, so do not take it into the core of your being (like I used to), and let it throw you into turmoil.

The more self love you gain the more compassion and understanding you will be able to give… Also, you really have to trust that sometimes soul mates are meant to stay together, after a long period of healing.

Other soul mate relationships must end, because one or both refuse to heal. The bond and the love are the deepest you will ever experience, and the personal growth and transformation will be the deepest of any relationship you have.

However, it can be a real rocky road, filled with tears and pain as you each struggle to grow into wholeness, which is the purpose of the soul mate relationship. We came into this life to grow, not stagnate. After we have healed our core issues, we can have much more of that bliss like you did in the beginning. This is why it is so important to focus on the issues your ego and expectations you are holding on to, so that you can grow, heal, and experience this bliss of Self Love, with zero ego attachment.

Once you reach this stage (It took me 4 years), then you will be free from pain. The ego gives way when we come into wholeness, and then we are free. We are also loving and compassionate towards our soul mate. If you are together or not, there is more understanding because the old ego needs are gone.

© Copyright 2012 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved.

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How to Handle “I’m Not Ready to Settle Down Yet”

Individual Power
By Barbara Rose, PhD

How can one person’s needs be met if the other is not ready to give what is required to allow a romantic relationship to
evolve into a meaningful lifelong union?

If one person is ready to move forward, ready to create a more intimate connection, and the other is not, what then?

Many people could have reached the level of intimacy and commitment they desired if they had only received the patience,
compassion, and understanding of the other. Yet many people are childish when it comes to matters of the heart.
Many do not have the patience to work on a relationship if it does not fulfill all of their expectations as quickly as they would like. As a result, you have breakups, people longing for each other, people with pain in their hearts, when simple compassion and understanding could have brought them all they desired over time.

Many people end relationships because they do not understand that friendship is the key – that they need to build trust and enjoy the company of the other without all the formal dating or courtship behaviors.

Yes, courtship, dating, sex, romance are all vital to a romantic relationship, but there are many people who have issues
of intimacy to work through first. Many people need to go slowly and build trust, reaching a certain comfort level
with someone before they can commit themselves. So in this case, if one is ready for a committed, exclusive relationship
and the other is not, instead of hastily and prematurely ending the relationship, turn it into a friendship.

Stop the pressures of dating and courtship.

Allow yourselves to bond in a deep, respectful, and trusting union as
friends, as best friends.

If the attraction is there, if the chemistry is right, if the two of you have much in common and share meaningful
goals, why should that beautiful experience be ended completely?

Instead, you can continue the growth and development of your friendship, which, after all, is the true
foundation of any real marriage. So if you are ready for commitment and your partner is not, release the pressure and just be friends. Best friends. No sex, no dates, no candlelight intimacy. You will find that as the bond of friendship grows, as the trust deepens, the one who was not previously ready suddenly is ready. And you have been there all along. You reached from your heart to

give understanding instead of demanding a commitment of emotions and actions the other was just not ready to give.

Time heals fear.

Time builds trust, and love grows over time.

You may find, however, that the physical chemistry is still strong. If you genuinely want to share love-making or passion with each other, do not deny this or suppress it, because to do so causes tension. Go with the flow of your genuine feelings. If you feel attracted to each other, show it. If you want to sleep together and hold each other, do so!

There is no wrong in showing love.

The wrong is to deny your love, your chemistry, and your feelings only to conform
to a rigid belief or “should” with regard to society’s dating or courtship expectations. There is no “should,”
there is only truth. If you feel love and attraction, don’t withhold it; show it.

If one of you desires a monogamous relationship and the other is simply not ready for that, then you must decide what is most important to you: genuinely sharing the time you do have together or settling for not having each other in
your lives at all.

When you allow the word “should” to control your life, you find that you are no longer in control of achieving all you
want. This is not the same as “settling.” Settling is when you deny what is genuinely in your heart because your head tells you it is wrong and that you “should” do or not do something.

Is it truly wrong to sleep with someone you adore and are physically attracted to just because you are not ready to make
a formal monogamous commitment?


Is it genuinely wrong to sleep with someone you care for deeply and are attracted to because it is not an exclusive,
monogamous relationship?


The only “should” that can appropriately govern your life is that you should do what is genuinely in your heart. No matter what society tells you, no matter what anybody tells you, if it is true and right in your heart, then it is true and right for you. That is being your own best friend as well as a best friend with the one you love but are not formally committed to.

Commit to the genuine truth in your heart. Express that, and you will feel validated, whole, and complete within.
One reason relationships fail is that one person seeks validation by the other. But when you validate your own worth,
when you receive respect and admiration from yourself and do not need it to come from the other, then you will possess a
quality that is the foundation of pure love: the ability to give.

  • To give understanding in place of expectation.
  • To give patience in place of haste.
  • To give compassion in place of ego fulfillment.
  • To give friendship instead of demanding a commitment the other may not be ready to make.

For as you sow, so shall you reap. As you give, so will you be given to in return. As you reach out of your comfort zone
to be there for the other, you will find that in time, they will reach out of their comfort zone to return your goodness to you.

They will give, they will commit to you, for you will have shown them that you are worthy of their commitment, and
they shall ask you to share your life with them.


it is the one who endures both the good times and the difficult times who ultimately wins the love, respect, admiration, and commitment from the other.

It is very rare to have someone in your life who will be there for you as a true friend; this is a gift.

Relationships are testing grounds; they test the bond, the endurance, the respect for oneself and for the other.
How can you expect someone to make a lifelong commitment to you if they do not first see that you are capable of meeting the challenges that arise during the early stages of a relationship?

You see, life brings challenge. Life brings circumstances that you must overcome. If you love a boyfriend or girlfriend,
and they cannot be there for you through the early challenges of the relationship, how can you possibly expect
them to commit to you for life?

Couples who have successfully worked through the challenges of their relationship will tell you that it requires work
on self

and beyond the needs of self to truly be there for the other; it takes work to build a relationship that can endure the tests of life and the test of time.

When you’re not ready, but you can’t let go:

Life will keep giving you the same challenge in all of your personal relationships until you face it head on and work it through.

For example, if you have a problem with commitment or intimacy, you will find that same challenge in each relationship,
until one day you meet that one person who causes you to look within – to search your heart to find the answer. For
when you find true love, another soul with whom you feel an indescribable bond, that person will cause you to seek within
to heal the problem that blocks the flow of happiness you deserve in your life.

And when you do seek within for a solution, you will have all you truly desire. If you do not, then you shall live with regret.

To seek or not to seek is always your choice.

You can choose to run from one empty relationship to another, year after year, or you can choose to realize that fulfillment comes when the bonds of love and friendship are combined, and that those bonds are far too valuable and precious to discard once you have found the one person who causes you to turn yourself around. When you have healed
through that relationship, you will be ready to commit yourself to that person with true love.

© Copyright 2001, 2003, 2011 by Barbara Rose, All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life. Published by The Rose Group (2003) ISBN: 097414570X.

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Barbara's Books Browse Relationships Exclusive Book Excerpts

Risk Being Real in a Relationship Brings a Certain Reward

Individual PowerExclusive excerpt from the book Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth, and Your Life By Barbara Rose, PhD

To be there, to love, what is the price? What will it cost you to receive all you are entitled to? To be in a relationship, there is a payment that must be made if you wish to receive all you desire from the other.

If your payment is fear, withholding your true feelings, holding back, allowing fear to block the flow of truth, then you receive loneliness and validate your own lack of self-worth. This validation only breeds further feelings of alienation;

you do not experience all the rich joy you can receive when your payment is genuine truth.

To share your truth is perhaps one of the scariest feelings that exists between lovers and romantic friends today.

When you take the risk to bear your soul, expose the real you, and reveal your genuine feelings, you become vulnerable; you may be afraid that your open heart will be pierced by another.

But there is another dynamic you may wish to consider and experiment with, a tiny bit at a time.

Risk exposing your feelings.

Take a tiny risk, just as a baby takes a tiny risk with his first steps. Yes, your fears may cause you to stumble, to close your heart again. But if you are with a person you truly love, and you take a baby step to expose your truth, then you can see the reaction. Then you can see how you will be treated as you risk sharing the genuine feelings you hold inside.

If you are with a person you truly love, and you do take tiny steps to share your genuine feelings, you will find that you are rewarded with love, acceptance, and appreciation in return. Then take another step, take an action, do something special together, and watch, feel, and be amazed at the new joy you will discover.

As you take tiny steps, first with vision and will, then with action, you will find the rewards are akin to those of a baby learning to walk: “Wow, I can do it!” The baby thinks, “I will do this again!”

After many attempts of risking to share genuine love and true feelings, you will find that you stumble back into old patterns far less than you did before.

And you walk beside the one you love more easily. And soon you may want to run together – to dare to go all the way, to run, and laugh, and experience the true freedom and joy of sharing your true self, your true and honest feelings with the one person who has truly been there for you through all your past stumblings.

When you find this with another, you have found real love. You have found one with whom you can share your deepest fears, your greatest insecurities, your biggest mistakes, and still be loved and appreciated for all of who you are.

When you find such a person in your life, you must know there is a reason for this to have happened to you. You may choose to take a deeper look beyond the simple romantic or friendly attraction and realize that perhaps there are greater reasons, higher reasons for your finding one another.

Perhaps you are to do something together. Perhaps you are to truly be there by each other’s side, a hand to hold, arms to hug, love to feel, fun to share, friendship to grow, trust to bloom, and memories to create that you can treasure together for your life.

There have been many people who have turned their backs to the love they have found, and in each case, those people have never forgotten, nor have they ever been able to replace their true match with another. They live with regret. They live with a heart longing for the joy and beauty they once had but were too afraid to embrace fully; they turned their backs on the one they truly loved, and never found such a true love again.

Love, pure love, honest and

genuine love, does not die.

You can travel to every corner of the globe. You can watch the seasons pass. But no matter how far you travel or how many years have gone by since you held the one you love in your arms, your heart, your soul will never forget this one person.

You may also find that the one who brings out your greatest growth, who makes you see all of the areas that need healing is precisely the person you may find yourself wanting to run away from. Who wants to face all of that hurt? If that happens, be wise enough to ask yourself, “Isn’t that why we have true relationships, to genuinely become the best we can be?” And how can we become our best when we ignore or run

away from those areas we need to heal? We cannot.

So the one who causes you great frustration is also the one who ultimately brings you the greatest joy: the discovery of the genuine you.

Once you do grow through the challenges, the rewards of such a deep and genuine understanding between two people could never be replaced by a shallow, superficial relationship. Love is a gift, and appreciation for this gift must be shown.

There is the saying, “Hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me.” This universe will send you a gift of love, a true match, once. If you choose to throw this gift away, if you do not show appreciation for it, you can be certain this universe will not be foolish enough to give you a gift so rare and so special again in this life.

You must know that when a person treasures you, when he or she sees through to the core of you and accepts you fully, with all of your faults, you have been blessed.

Now, if you love this person, if you truly do, deep inside, love this person, then give yourself this gift of love, cherish and treasure the gift you have received, for if you do not, you shall not ever know such a gift again in this life.

You will know deep down in your heart when all of the elements are there. You will feel so at peace and, at the same time, so challenged – challenged to grow, challenged to evolve and lift yourself above and beyond your fears of intimacy.

This work on self is required in order to continue experiencing the gift of this love in your life.

Debilitating fears of closeness or of opening one’s heart are also patterns that must be recognized and worked through. So ask yourself, “How can I notice when those old feelings come up?”

Become conscious of them. If you remain on automatic pilot, you will automatically sabotage the relationship.

Fear of being hurt or vulnerable is understandable and quite common. When left unnoticed, unchecked, and unattended to, however, it is also the source of pain. How do you attend to your fears? You simply acknowledge their existence.

You say, “Oh look, this is what I have been feeling, this is what happens to me. Do I want this feeling or pattern to
take charge, or do I prefer something different?”

It comes down to a preference, an individual choice not to react but to consciously decide how you are going to respond when you notice your fears coming to the surface. Once you become fully conscious of them, their paralyzing effect dwindles;

instead of feeling smothered by an avalanche, you feel the slight sting of a pebble. Awareness of an old pattern greatly reduces its effects on you.

There is always a period of tremendous anxiety when old fears come to the surface. Realize, however, that this anxiety does, in fact, pass. It is a feeling. Feelings flow. One feeling, no matter how horrible or anxiety provoking, does not last forever.

So once you notice the anxiety coming to the surface, you become the one in charge. You are no longer run by old tapes that do not help you experience all you prefer to experience now.

Those old tapes may have served you in the past, protecting you from pain from a certain person. But now that you have found someone else, someone special, those old tapes can only be destructive.

If you become aware of your feelings and allow the anxiety to pass by sharing what you think and how you feel, then you no longer risk losing a person you may not ever be able to replace.

This is far better than allowing old, self-protective patterns that are in your comfort zone to destroy your opportunity for genuine love and genuine healing. Would you rather lose true love because it feels uncomfortable? Is that what you want?

Look around you. Think of all the people you have dated. Think of how many years you have gone without this one very special person. Do you want to lose this gift simply because it is scary for you to take personal responsibility and notice your feelings as they surface?

You do not have to be perfect. You cannot be perfect. But if you decide to take charge of an old pattern and act to heal your inner self, you will find that the one you love will not leave your side.

© Copyright 2001,2003,2011 by Barbara Rose, All Rights Reserved. Excerpt re-printed with permission from the book Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life Published by The Rose Group (2003) ISBN: 097414570X.

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Top 7 Soul Mate Questions and Answers


1. How do I know when I’ve met my Soul Mate?

2. If I’ve really met my soul mate, why is the relationship so difficult?
3. Why is it that many soul mates don’t stay together?
4. How can I turn the dynamics of this relationship around for lasting happiness?
5. Why do many soul mates continually return to each other?
6. How can we break old negative patterns between us?
7. If we’re apart, and miss each other, what will it take to make it work?



color-bliss1. How do I know when I’ve met my Soul Mate?
There will be an instantaneous familiarity, a recognition, and an innate understanding and connection from the beginning that cannot be described logically.

If you wish to receive all of the answers that have made such a difference for people bringing clarity and understanding that transformed previous turmoil you can securely download the digital book below.


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