By Barbara Rose, PhD
It is crucial for you to know that every tactic you
may try to kill the genuine love you feel—avoidance,
logic, pushing loving feelings down whenever they pop
up, sarcasm, —all of those tactics do not work.
Let’s go through this process while you’re feeling
the sadness and emotional pain, and learn how to
quickly transform it, because once you go through this
process, you will experience inner peace.
Perception, Misery, Drama and Pain
The cause of our emotional pain comes directly
from our perception and our attachment on the ego
level that erroneously causes us to believe that
the person we deeply love is the source of our inner joy and
happiness. As a result, when that person is no longer in
our lives, we feel and believe that our joy has been taken
away and will never come back.
Then our minds swiftly zoom back to the past. We
go into longing mode. We long for the past. We get
deeply into listening to old love songs, and feel really
comfortable with our misery. Heaven forbid anyone
dares to change the music to happy songs. We visit
old places we used to go to together. This is especially
helpful to sink us further into the Valley of Misery. We
commiserate with whichever friend will listen to our
saga, otherwise known as heartbreak and drama. Oh
how the ego just loves this place! Then we continue to
wish it could be the way it was in the beginning, when
it felt like heaven on earth.
We reminiscence about the past and either block
it out or cry it out. And we wonder why we’re feeling pain!
We have become so deeply invested in the past that we
forgot about the whole reason we are in this life! You
are here to bloom and experience your greatest self.
In order for that to happen, we will have to force ourselves
to change the music.
The Misery Alert
Do you remember being in school when an
announcement alerted all teachers and students that
there was a test for a fire drill? Yeah! We got to get out
of our classroom (read most boring place at age ten)
and go outside to feel the spring breeze and sunshine.
We were taught how to prepare for a fire. We learned
the most important thing in the world. We learned to
get out calmly and quickly.
When we are feeling complete and utter misery,
we must get out of the past and focus on right now,
this moment, while we simultaneously look ahead.
Top Ten Misery Checklist
I’m going to share a brief misery ending checklist
that you can refer back to whenever you need it.
You may want to bookmark this page.
When you start thinking about him and the past:
Every single time you think about the past and
your relationship, force yourself to focus on right now.
As soon as you realize you are heavily invested in
the past, take a few deep breaths and force yourself to
When you start to hear old love songs, change the station.
When you drive by any of the places you used to
go to together, drive in the opposite direction.
If you’re wearing his shirt to sleep, donate it to a
needy cause or throw the shirt in the trash.
If he left things in your home, unclaimed, put
them in a box and leave it on his front lawn. If the
things are not important, such as his tooth brush, toss
it into the trash.
If he really put you through the ringer, write a book
about it! Just imagine for every tear you shed, you will
receive royalties instead!
You could write a really deep, misery laden love
song like Alanis Morissette’s classic hit “You Oughta
Know” or an empowering song like the classic from
Gloria Gaynor, “I Will Survive.”
Remind yourself that there can be massive gifts in
disguise just waiting for you if you tap into your creativity!
Start to read stories about other women who were
once dumped and how they turned their lives around.
Excerpt re-printed with permission from the book Get OVER Him FAST © Copyright 2009 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved Published by The Rose Group (September, 2009) ISBN-10:0978895568 ISBN-13:978-0978895563.
Get OVER Him FAST
Still in love after a break-up? Have you tried everything you can think of to get over him only to find yourself still crying yourself to sleep?
If you’re looking for real solutions that actually work to get over the pain, Get OVER Him FAST is the book that will give you immediate answers and fantastic insights to swiftly guide you out of Misery Valley.
Dr. Barbara Rose reveals how she got over the same misery. The unparalleled insight and transformational process in this book is one that no other relationship book has revealed, ever.
* You will quickly learn what works.
* Learn the biggest mistake people make after a break-up that actually perpetuates the pain.
* You will learn the most astounding process that works EVERY time you need it.
* You will learn the guidelines you have never been taught so crying yourself to sleep is HISTORY!
If you’re ready to kiss your break-up agony goodbye, this is the book that works every time!
About the Author:
Dr. Barbara Sherry Rose, most widely known as “Born To Inspire” was born in Bayside, New York. She attended Franklin College in Lugano, Switzerland, was an honor student at The American University School of International Service in Washington, D.C., and was inducted into Kappa Tau Alpha National Honor Society for Journalism and Mass Communication. Dr. Rose is the bestselling author of twenty five books, a world renowned Life Transformation Specialist, and one of today’s most loved and respected spiritual teachers. As Founder of International Institute of Higher Self Communication merged with Global Life Transformation Foundation she shares the nondenominational process of receiving answers from God, transforming the lives of millions across the globe. Her highly acclaimed work is widely sought after and published internationally with subscribers spanning 191 countries. Her official website is BornToInspire.Com.
* Paperback: 100 pages
* Publisher: Rose Group (November 19, 2009)
* Language: English
* ISBN-10: 0978895568
* ISBN-13: 978-0-97955-6-3
What to Say When a Teenager (or Adult) Has an Abusive Boyfriend
By Barbara Rose, PhD
When I was eighteen years old I had an abusive boyfriend, and I was miserable. My mom would sit and tell me how poorly I was allowing myself to be treated. Back then, I remember hearing her words and knowing deep in my heart that she was 100 percent correct with respect to everything she was telling me. I felt humiliated, and I felt low self-worth. I felt embarrassed to admit that she was right. I wanted to look good. I didn’t want to look like a failure, and I certainly did not want to admit to her that she was right. Although everything she said hit home, and I knew it, what I really wanted was support, understanding, and someone to guide me in a loving manner so I could break up with that abusive boyfriend.
I needed a real friend, not a daily lecture.
Of course my mom was pointing out the obvious, and she was doing so in the best manner she knew how. All parents do the best they know how. Now, this book is in your hands to help bring you another perspective so you can glean some beneficial insight to help you with your teen. The only one who can help you with how you relate to your teen is you, backed by your decision to learn whatever you can to help you get to a better place, so you can lovingly guide your teen to the best possible place on all levels of his or her life.
If you see your teen dating someone you feel and know is not in his or her best interest, here’s an approach you can try that may work wonders. Try letting your teen know that you truly believe in him or her and that his or her current choice may simply be a mistake, which he or she didn’t see at the beginning of the relationship.
Isn’t this true for all of us who have ended relationships? We usually did not see that the relationship would not be in our best interest when it began. Everybody goes through this. It is so important for you to let your teenager know that everyone who was ever in a relationship that turned out to be painful really did not see that in the beginning, and this does not make your teen a failure.
Try this approach as well. Try saying the following: “I believe in you and I know you are very smart. I know this is a difficult time and I know you will come out of this shining. Relationship mistakes are filled with great lessons to be learned. So even if you feel sad, please never feel like a failure because you never failed! It’s okay and even positive to walk away from a relationship that causes you to hurt. I did, and I know many other people who have. The most important thing for you to know and remember is that a relationship is never a reflection of how good you are deep inside. You were born good. You’re just learning through experience, the way everybody else learns, and in my life, the most painful times taught me so much. I know you are going to make the best choices that will cause you to feel happy again, and I am behind you all the way.”
Now, I believe that the above paragraph expresses sincerity, unconditional love, support, honesty, humility, and wisdom. I also believe that by relating positively to your teen and supporting him emotionally rather than preaching to him, you would most likely help him make a swift departure from a negative relationship in which he feels miserable.
Here is the alternative, and please be honest with yourself as to which dialogue you would rather hear from your parent if you were your teen.
“How can you let yourself be treated like dirt? Where is your backbone? You’re acting like a spineless wimp. He uses you, treats you like garbage, and you take it like a doormat. Why don’t you just break up with him? What’s wrong with you? Don’t you have a brain in your head? I can’t stand to see you let yourself be treated this way. You’re miserable. I’ve never seen anything like this before. Take a stand and show a backbone.”
Which of those examples do you think will really reach your teen? Which one feels more supportive? Which one do you think your teen would respond to faster? Which one would you respond to faster and with more sincerity if it was about you?
I believe you would prefer the first paragraph. I believe you would prefer to be related to with loving support rather than being preached at. Let me ask you a question now, being you are a grown adult. Has your parent ever spoken to you in either of the ways expressed above? What do you honestly prefer, to be related to and supported or to be preached at?
If you’re anything like most human beings who have feelings, I believe you would vastly prefer to be spoken to in the most gentle yet loving and sincere manner. Truth must be spoken at all times. But the manner in which it is spoken makes all the difference in the world.
I want nothing more than for you to be able to thrive in your relationship with your teenager. I’m a mom, too, and nothing is more important to me than my own teenagers. What I did was speak and behave toward them in the exact opposite manner from which I was spoken to and treated when I was growing up. I know what it feels like to wish I had a parent who could really understand me, be my friend, and relate to me, while he or she showed me he or she truly believed in me.
I am positive that if you did not have that growing up, you most likely wished for the same thing. I would also venture to say that if your teen does not feel an incredible amount of unconditionally loving support coming from you, your relationship may be decaying, when deep in your heart you would prefer that it thrive. At least I hope this is what you would prefer.
Exclusive excerpt from the bestselling book Dear God, I Have Teenagers. Please Help! (ISBN: 0974145777 Rose Group, April 2007) © Copyright 2007, 2011 by Barbara Sherry Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved.