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Now we are going to establish your inner truth and backbone-so you will actually feel a solid sense of self based on your truth.
From this moment on, whenever you notice any form of abusive behavior, I ask you to set a clear, definitive, and healthy boundary around yourself. Setting that boundary will allow you to move away from the source of abuse and to never allow abuse into your life again.
The Scariest Part
The scariest part of growth is like a dark cloud. Do you remember when I said that personal transformation is not easy? I said that because it is quite easy to read a book, listen to tapes, hear all kinds of wonderful people speak, and keep it all in your head but not integrate it into observable action. When I asked you to remove yourself completely from any person who is the source of any abuse, I bet you felt fear. This is natural. It does feel scary, and it is not easy to walk your talk. But you bought this book so that you could engage in personal transformation, not so that you could simply read paragraphs of airy-fairy affirmations and tidbits of useless inspiration.
When you feel something negative deep inside, this feeling is your dearest and best friend. This feeling is letting you know that such-and-such is not okay. Once you notice how you feel, it is up to you and you alone to become your own best friend and move away from whatever or whomever is causing you pain through verbal, mental, emotional, or physical abuse.
The fear is like a big dark cloud in the sky. It may look and feel terrifying; I know because I have been there too. But once you take your first step away from the source of abuse and into your truth, personal alchemy and authentic empowerment begin to take the place of fear. All of a sudden, as a result of your positive actions, you notice rays of sunlight peeking through the dark cloud. You realize that you will be okay; in fact, you will be better than you ever were before.
Now, on the next couple of pages, I want you to pretend that you are fearless. I want you to write down-as if you had no fear at all-what you would do to take personal responsibility to transform yourself and your life by moving completely away from any past or present abuse.
Please write this list. You are almost there!
I am fearless. This is what I would do if I weren’t afraid to move myself out of misery and pain:
From Thought to Action
Now please re-read the list you just wrote. Great! Now I want you to hold in your mind a picture of this new and empowered you. This is the real you beneath the fear!
This is the you that your heart and soul have been calling out to for so long, via pain, to get you to notice so that you would transform yourself.
If you are feeling petrified of moving into your truth, it would be wise to seek professional therapy or spiritual counseling from someone who specializes in authentic empowerment and personal transformation as well as abuse.
It is not only good, it is vital to have a trusted support system when you are undergoing crucial personal transformation.
If you begin the process on your own but then feel stuck, having a support system to turn to only makes you a stronger person. If you feel you can take the last steps you wrote without any professional support whatsoever, then this is fine, too. Do it whichever way you can while bringing no harm to yourself or anyone else.
This is your lifetime, your time for creating personal transformation that is meaningful, true, and lasting.
This is your time to notice all you have put up with and dare yourself to become so much stronger, your time to watch yourself transform and reach the other side of the challenges facing you-because that, Dear One, is why they are there.
The challenges are in front of you so that you can summon your inner truth and courage, and moment by moment, either with or without professional help, face those challenges and overcome them at this time.
You wouldn’t be reading this page at this time if it was not the time to begin the process you have spent eons trying to begin, the process of transforming and coming into wholeness.
Now the process is in front of you. You wrote down exactly what you would do if you had no fear. I can guarantee you that as you move through your actions into your full truth, you are going to feel and be transformed.
Please remember that all of us who undergo personal transformation cry and feel terrified inside as we face our truth. I certainly did. But if I could do it, you can do it, too. You can follow the process by using this book and your lists as tools for personal growth, spiritual growth, and inner transformation. In the process, through self-love and truth and the strength to carry out your actions, you will see a remarkable difference in your life now and for the rest of your life.
You have a friend in me, and I honor you for coming into your truth and discovering the real strength you have beneath the fears, strength that will see you to the other side of this situation, as you transform yourself into wholeness, radiance, and supreme confidence.
Chapter excerpt © Copyright by Barbara Sherry Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved from the book Know Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Wholeness, Radiance & Supreme Confidence Published by The Rose Group (January 2005) ISBN: 0974145742
Barbara Sherry Rose, PhD is the bestselling author of twenty two books Barbara Sherry Rose, PhD is the bestselling author of twenty books, a world renowned life transformation specialist, spiritual teacher and expert in Higher Self Communication. Her personal growth and transformation shared with millions of people from every part of the world has endeared her to the masses as a pure, loving and caring soul who shares by living example. Her ability to take the most difficult personal topics and bring through the solutions for herself and all has made her one of today’s most loved and respected spiritual teachers. Dr. Rose is the founder of International Institute of Higher Self Communication and Headline Times – the First in Transformational Journalism. She shares with all of humanity the nondenominational process of receiving answers from God, as you personally understand that name to be. Her subscribers span 190 countries and her work spans the world. Her website is BornToInspire.Com
50 Reasons to Leave Skid Marks (Just one is reason enough to run fast!)
1. Either of you is married and not completely available.
2. The other is an active alcoholic or drug user, using substances regularly to avoid feelings.
3. You see the first sign of physical or mental abuse: put downs, degrading comments, pushing, shoving, or hitting.
4. The other person says he does not want to be in a relationship.
5. You are not taken on dates and courted.
6. You are a “friend with benefits.”
7. You are called for last minute get-togethers and rarely go out on dates.
8. You’re not allowed to express your feelings and are labeled emotional.
9. There is no clear, genuine communication.
10. You feel as if you are walking on eggshells to accommodate the other person.
11. The other person rarely, if ever, lets you know he can be counted on.
12. After six months, you do not know the other person’s family or friends.
13. Your relationship is kept secret.
14. After having been physically intimate with you for weeks or months, the other person no longer allows sexual relations.
15. After expressing love for you, he takes back what he said.
16. You rarely go places or do things together.
17. You have vastly different views about life.
18. Your spiritual or religious preferences are not honored and respected.
19. The other person tries to change you.
20. After intimacy, you are treated like a stranger.
21. You are put down in front of other people.
22. You are stood up for a date or plans.
23. Plans are repeatedly broken and not reset for another time.
24. You are sexually abused.
25. He speaks badly behind the backs of other people he is “seeing.”
26. Just about every other woman in his life is “just a friend” (that he slept with previously).
27. You are referred to as “someone I know.”
28. There is no physical chemistry or passion in bed.
29. You cannot talk to him about anything.
30. If you have a misunderstanding, he ends your relationship rather than talking it out.
31. You never go on any sort of vacation or getaway with him.
32. You are not acknowledged on special occasions and holidays.
33. You are threatened in any manner.
34. Your relationship has all kinds of restrictions and boundaries that prevent intimacy.
35. After a few years you still do not share a life together or a genuine monogamous relationship.
36. He lets you know about the other people he is having sex with (to see if you get jealous).
37. He plays games with your feelings and tries to manipulate you.
38. He cuts off communication when you are trying to discuss something that bothers you.
39. He tells you to find someone else. (Do that!)
40. He can be intimate with you only if he is drunk or high.
41. The relationship is off balance and one-sided, to suit his needs, without reciprocation.
42. Your personal growth is not honored.
43. He tries to control your finances and tells you what you can and cannot spend.
44. You have a telephone or Internet relationship and rarely get together in person.
45. No effort is made to see you in person regularly.
46. He goes out without you and calls you when he gets home in the middle of the night, but he rarely takes you out.
47. He refuses to talk openly about where you stand with each other.
48. He breaks up or stops contact with you repeatedly, and refuses to communicate openly, honestly, and authentically.
49. He makes it clear to you that you are “just friends” after you have been intimate.
50. Weeks go by without hearing from him at all.
Take a good look at both of the lists. Which one describes your relationship? Do you see it written all over the pages? This list points to a string along relationship. The One has the first list.
Partial chapter excerpt © Copyright 2010 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved from Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE. Published by The Rose Group (April, 2005) ISBN: 0974145742. An Amazon # 1 Relationship Bestseller.
Barbara Sherry Rose, PhD is the bestselling author of twenty two books, a world renowned life transformation specialist, spiritual teacher and expert in Higher Self Communication. Her personal growth and transformation shared with millions of people from every part of the world has endeared her to the masses as a pure, loving and caring soul who shares by living example. Her ability to take the most difficult personal topics and bring through the solutions for herself and all has made her one of today’s most loved and respected spiritual teachers. Dr. Rose is the founder of International Institute of Higher Self Communication, HEADLINE Times – The First in Transformational Journalism. She shares with all of humanity the nondenominational process of receiving answers from God, as you personally understand that name to be. Her subscribers span 190 countries and her work spans the world. Visit her website BornToInspire.com .