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Turning Tragedy into Self-Empowerment

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better world By Barbara Rose, PhD

How can tragedy be empowering? Because it brings you to the moment of truth, the real truth, the truth that ultimately sets you free. Through the darkness of tragedy, you reach the dawn, which is the moment you decide it will never be this way again.

This is the moment when you change the entire direction of the rest of your life because you refuse to go back to where you have just been.

The fact is that many people, most people, have to endure untold heartache and tragedy before they wake up, before they realize they have a choice. The direction of your life is in your hands alone. Blame for where you are in this life cannot be placed on any other. When we stop blaming and start creating the vision we want to see fulfilled, we then feel authentically empowered from within.

As I said earlier, I did have ample opportunity to take care of what I needed to, but I thought laziness and stagnation was so much easier. Obviously I thought wrong. Personal stagnation breeds self-hate. It feeds on negativity. It seeks injustice. It does not carry the exuberance, passion, and joy that accompany the search for new, better, and brighter paths and the striving toward fulfillment of your deepest dreams. Taking your life into your own hands and turning it around entirely, all of your own choosing, is an extraordinary adventure. Yes, it is scary. Change is always scary. But it is also thrilling. And after a while, you get used to the new, better way. And the old ways become as uncomfortable as shoes that are three sizes too small.

why So why do millions and millions of people suffer beneath the dictates of their own false views or the dictates of others who they wrongly perceive as holding their happiness or even their very survival in their hands? Why must you undergo any unpleasant circumstance that is not of your own choosing? Why, I ask you, are you holding on to something or someone, or some position in your career or in society that is not bringing you absolute joy? Who, besides your very own self, tells you that you don’t have a choice?

This is your biggest lie to yourself.
You do have a choice.

I tell you this boldly, straight to your face: Each day that you hold on to this person or situation that does not bring you joy, you choose it as your reality. If you let go, if you walk away, if you no longer allow that person or situation into your life – then you are free! And you know what part of your life this pertains to. Did you ever have a job you hated? Did you ever just hang in there because you needed the money to pay the bills? Did anyone ever suggest that you simply get another job? Were you afraid to let go, in spite of your misery? You held on to your unhappiness because you bought into the belief that you had to. You believed you didn’t have a choice, right? Well, suppose you got fired from that job. What then? Would you die? No, you’d get another job. Perhaps a better one! Perhaps one in which you made enough to buy a new pair of shoes after you paid your bills.

Here’s the point:

If you are not happy, then your situation is not in your best interest.

You can come up with every rationalization known to humankind, but the bottom line is that it starts with you.

Change can begin only when you decide it can.

Individual Power Excerpt re-printed with permission from the book Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life © Copyright 2001, 2003, 2013 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Published by The Rose Group (April, 2003) ISBN-10:09741457X.

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I Tried to Belong Because I Wanted to Fit In

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KNOW YOURSELF

I tried to belong because I wanted to fit in, and perhaps you tried to fit in, too.

Fit into what?

Social acceptance. Peer acceptance. Parental acceptance.

We were trying in myriad ways to gain acceptance from the outside because we did not fully know who we were from the inside.

We may have tried to get good grades in school, or to look a certain way. But no matter what we tried, that sense of belonging was based on something outside of us rather than on who we were within.

You and I had talents and gifts that might have been stifled or honored. But no matter how much we were applauded or scolded, our search for inner knowing was stunted during these years—because we could not identify with soul wisdom on the outside. And I am sure you will agree that we could rarely talk about it to those in our lives at that time.

How were we supposed to know ourselves during our preteen years? By our surroundings and how we felt in our environment. During those years of inner innocence, we only knew if we felt safe and honored, or unsafe and dishonored.

Our achievements may have been wonderful or paltry—but we were never taught to honor our own authentic power. We were taught to give it away. And we were taught to measure our worth by the grades we received, the way we looked, the ribbons we won, or whether we obeyed our parents. Our worth was all conditional.

So we were conditioned to tiptoe around outer conditions to get a greater sense of who we were, and our golden moments were when we received outer approval or validation.

Our most treacherous moments occurred when we forsook our own identity or truth to gain acceptance from the outside. These betrayals remained within our cellular memories for quite a number of years.

We learned adaptation. But we never learned self-honor. We learned to listen to everyone other than ourselves.

We learned to obey what others said as opposed to what was true for us. We watched TV and saw values portrayed that were the opposite of our reality. We longed for what was on TV, where the children were honored. Were you honored? At times I was, and at times I wasn’t. Like me, you learned to adapt to a constant sea of conditioned responses in order to feel safe, secure, accepted, and honored.

You may have been honored for certain behaviors that to this day you call your strengths. You may have been dishonored for other behaviors, and you may still be grappling with how to grow beyond whatever part of yourself you have disowned.

It is vital for you to remember that we incarnated into this life to be all we came here to be. You do have a purpose, and yet during your preteen years you might never have been honored for your true inner gifts. You may have learned to stifle your greatest talents and attributes in order to keep the adults in your life feeling secure with the limited wisdom they may have had about you. Many adults might have felt threatened by your special traits. Perhaps they didn’t know how to relate to you. Years ago, many people believed that children were at their best when they were quiet. It was said that children should be seen but not heard. As a result, few of us were taught to speak out and rock the boat! Few of us were taught to prepare for a life in which self-sufficiency, creativity, spiritual gifts, independence, and self-expression would be honored.

We were told to believe in the Cinderella theory, and to validate our worth from the outside in—and that alone has taken decades of pain to overcome. You may not have overcome it yet—but you are about to.

Were you praised for being the real you when you were a preteen? I would venture to say you were praised for listening, or obeying, and perhaps for a talent or two that your family liked to see.

If you belong to the vast majority of women who were raised to believe in everything other than the core of who they are, you most likely find it quite difficult to learn how to know yourself when you were mostly praised for obeying others.

This is the hallmark of forgetfulness among women. You forgot who you were while you were busy looking for ways to gain acceptance from those around you. Your wise soul could not relate to those people and circumstances, and perhaps you had few if any people you could share your truest feelings with—so they, too, became lost.

How can you know yourself when you can’t talk about your innermost feelings with the people around you?

How can you know yourself when you are held to a standard of acceptance based solely on your observed actions or performance? Did anyone ever ask you to honor the wisdom of your soul?

I doubt that they did—because they had also forgotten the wisdom of their own souls as they played out the roles taught to them based on the morals and beliefs of the society in which they were raised.

Many of us were not raised in a society that appreciated lightworkers. They are people (and you may be one of them) with spiritual gifts who openly share and express those gifts in order to help others awaken and evolve in our world. Many times their spiritual gifts are not openly received, and they are negatively labeled as “New Age fruitcakes.” You may be a highly evolved soul stifled in a spiritual closet. You may have wisdom within you that is so vast. And at the same time you may have next to nobody with whom you can relate or share, nobody you can even learn from.

This book is in your hands because you want to reclaim your radiance. You want glowing confidence.
Everything you want is everything you’ve already got on the inside. I take you on this journey through your life so you can see why you may not feel so radiant or whole or confident.

It is because the confidence you had when you were born was largely squelched during your younger years, and in your preteen years your inner radiance was based on whether you received approval from others.

How radiant do you expect to feel when you seek approval from others? The more approval you need, the more deeply you have buried your true self.
The more invalidated you feel, the more status you seek in society. The more you lack trust, the more you try to control the outcome of events in your life. By “trust,” I mean going with the flow, knowing that your highest good is always taken care of with divine guidance from the angelic realm and God, or whatever you believe is the highest source of pure love and wisdom in the universe, the source that is always present to assist you unconditionally in every moment of your life.

© Copyright 2006 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Chapter excerpt reprinted with permission from the book Know Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Wholeness, Radiance & Supreme Confidence. (Rose Group ,January 2006) ISBN: 0974145734

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Signs of Men Who Cannot Fully Love: Why & How to Understand It – Excerpt

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Signs Men Who Cannot Fully Love

By Barbara Rose, PhD

This information is written with a tremendous amount of compassion, deep understanding and wisdom gained from having “been there” to help you make sense of it all.

First, the signs:

* He has tremendous difficulty verbally expressing his feelings.

* He charms women, and then turns the charm off as soon as his needs are filled.

* He generally speaks about woman as though they are not equal, valuable human beings, perhaps referring to them as “Chicks” along with comments such as “All women are ______” whatever category he places them into.

* He can show tremendous care and compassion towards others with whom he does not feel a romantic connection.

* He has a wall around his heart and will allow you to get only so close, then shuts down when he feels it is too close for his comfort zone.

* He is not yet open to experiencing a fully loving, equal, mutually respectful and fulfilling romantic relationship.

* He is open to exploring and experiencing relationships with many people, enjoys change, variety, and most of all, his personal freedom.

* He is convinced that he is better off without a woman in his life in terms of settling down with one woman.

* He searches outside of himself for validation.

Now, Why, How to understand this and what to do…

First and foremost, please know that there is absolutely nothing you can ever do to change or fix him. What he needs most is a real friend. A person who can accept him fully, exactly the way he is, without any judgment whatsoever. His search for validation may or may not ultimately take him into the core of his own heart to uproot any and all false negative beliefs he has about himself, so that he can finally learn HOW to fully love himself from the inside out.

If you wish to receive all of the answers that have made such a difference for people bringing clarity and understanding that transformed previous turmoil you can securely download the digital book below.


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Being Enough NOW Book Excerpt

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128X187_BEING

New You

The “new you” I speak about is actually the real you
underneath all of the negative labels and barriers you
have set up in your mind.

It’s time you started to feel like the person you really
are. It’s time you made a simple decision based on
your choice as to how you would prefer to feel about
yourself and view yourself.

Anything that goes against your preference can
now be labeled a lie. Any statement you make to and
about yourself has to match your preference.

The Key

The key here is in first knowing what you prefer.
How do you prefer to feel about yourself? I’m sure
you can answer something along the lines of, “A lot
better than I do now!”

You’re not the only one. I was faced with this same
challenge, and I know if I was able to transform a lifetime
of not feeling good enough, then anyone with a
conscious mind can do so as well.

Take a moment and consider all of the things in
your life that are not how you would prefer them to
be.

Now, create a mental picture of how you prefer
your life to be.

Go ahead, you can do this right now; imagine
how you would love to feel about yourself. Picture
how you would love to be in all areas of your life.
Picture how you would like to experience yourself as
the best version of you that you can imagine.

Do you know what? That positive picture is actually
the real you temporarily buried beneath a lot of
false beliefs. The only way you can transform the false
beliefs is by making a decision to focus on what you
would prefer to feel, think, and experience.
We cannot transform ourselves and bring out the
best we have inside of us if all we focus on is that
which we can see.

You have to make a choice. This choice will determine
your ability to feel good about yourself now
regardless of external circumstances or choices you’ve
made that have kept you in misery based on your
views and perceptions.

Excerpt © Copyright 2008, 2012 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved, Exclusive Book Excerpt re=published with permission from the book Being Enough NOW Published by The Rose Group (May 2008) ISBN-13: 9780978895525.

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Being Enough NOW Book Details

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• ISBN-13: 9780978895525
• Publisher: The Rose Group
• Publication date: 5/10/2008

Overview

In this groundbreaking self help classic, Barbara Rose, PhD brings you face to face with your worth, your goals, dreams and aspirations while she humbly and effectively teaches you how to feel that you are good enough, right now.

Dr. Rose shares sincere personal examples, down to earth practical analogies and soul nourishing wisdom you will certainly relate to. Being Enough NOW will have a lasting transformational impact on you that will continue to help you transform your entire life.

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Exclusive Excerpt Get Over Him FAST

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Ger Over Him FAST By Barbara Rose, PhD

Crucial Information

It is crucial for you to know that every tactic you
may try to kill the genuine love you feel—avoidance,
logic, pushing loving feelings down whenever they pop
up, sarcasm, —all of those tactics do not work.

Let’s go through this process while you’re feeling
the sadness and emotional pain, and learn how to
quickly transform it, because once you go through this
process, you will experience inner peace.

Perception, Misery, Drama and Pain

The cause of our emotional pain comes directly
from our perception and our attachment on the ego
level that erroneously causes us to believe that
the person we deeply love is the source of our inner joy and
happiness. As a result, when that person is no longer in
our lives, we feel and believe that our joy has been taken
away and will never come back.

Then our minds swiftly zoom back to the past. We
go into longing mode. We long for the past. We get
deeply into listening to old love songs, and feel really
comfortable with our misery. Heaven forbid anyone
dares to change the music to happy songs. We visit
old places we used to go to together. This is especially
helpful to sink us further into the Valley of Misery. We
commiserate with whichever friend will listen to our
saga, otherwise known as heartbreak and drama. Oh
how the ego just loves this place! Then we continue to
wish it could be the way it was in the beginning, when
it felt like heaven on earth.

We reminiscence about the past and either block
it out or cry it out. And we wonder why we’re feeling pain!
We have become so deeply invested in the past that we
forgot about the whole reason we are in this life! You
are here to bloom and experience your greatest self.

In order for that to happen, we will have to force ourselves
to change the music.

The Misery Alert

Do you remember being in school when an
announcement alerted all teachers and students that
there was a test for a fire drill? Yeah! We got to get out
of our classroom (read most boring place at age ten)
and go outside to feel the spring breeze and sunshine.
We were taught how to prepare for a fire. We learned
the most important thing in the world. We learned to
get out calmly and quickly.

When we are feeling complete and utter misery,
we must get out of the past and focus on right now,
this moment, while we simultaneously look ahead.

Top Ten Misery Checklist

I’m going to share a brief misery ending checklist
that you can refer back to whenever you need it.
You may want to bookmark this page.

When you start thinking about him and the past:

Every single time you think about the past and
your relationship, force yourself to focus on right now.

As soon as you realize you are heavily invested in
the past, take a few deep breaths and force yourself to
smile.

When you start to hear old love songs, change the station.

When you drive by any of the places you used to
go to together, drive in the opposite direction.

If you’re wearing his shirt to sleep, donate it to a
needy cause or throw the shirt in the trash.

If he left things in your home, unclaimed, put
them in a box and leave it on his front lawn. If the
things are not important, such as his tooth brush, toss
it into the trash.

If he really put you through the ringer, write a book
about it! Just imagine for every tear you shed, you will
receive royalties instead!

You could write a really deep, misery laden love
song like Alanis Morissette’s classic hit “You Oughta
Know” or an empowering song like the classic from
Gloria Gaynor, “I Will Survive.”

Remind yourself that there can be massive gifts in
disguise just waiting for you if you tap into your creativity!

Start to read stories about other women who were
once dumped and how they turned their lives around.

Excerpt re-printed with permission from the book Get OVER Him FAST © Copyright 2009 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved Published by The Rose Group (September, 2009) ISBN-10:0978895568 ISBN-13:978-0978895563.

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Exclusive Excerpt Ultimate Guide to Self Love

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Ultimate Guide to Self Love

By Barbara Rose, PhD

Here are a few guidelines you can take from within to build your self worth, esteem, and help you bring out all you desire to be and express in your life. They are phrased in first person to help you integrate them, until you are living your truth on all levels, in all areas of your life and are, in fact, genuinely feeling pure love and acceptance for yourself.

* I remember that whether or not someone is in my life is never a reflection of me; it is merely a reflection of their preference, and I honor their preference without taking it personally and allowing it to hurt me.

* I remember that whether I believe I can or I believe I can’t, I’m right!

* I know that what I create in my life is an expression of what fills my heart with joy. It is never a validation of who I am–it is pure expression.

* I know that outward status does not constitute a person’s worth. All people are equally worthy during pleasant times and unpleasant times.

* I realize that my greatest challenges have been my greatest teachers. I have learned much from the difficulties I have been through, and I help others, even if only by sharing.

* I create every circumstance in my life, and I do so in cooperation with others, all with pure motives.

* I use the **following guideline to manifest the life I came here to live, beginning with how I view myself:

** Decide. I decide how I want to feel, how I prefer to live, and how I prefer to create my life.

** Commit. I commit fully to the process.

** Be Willing. I am willing to do whatever it takes with dignity and pure motives, including the mirror dialogue, to help me shine from the inside out.

** Let Go. I let go of the expectations of others, along with my doubts, and replace them with what feels true for me.

** Follow. I follow my truth every moment, and I follow through in my actions everything that represents my highest and deepest truth.

** Wait. I have patience with an ever unfolding process in my life, and I remember to enjoy the process rather than just live for an outcome.

** Experience. I am experiencing all I first decided to, and now I am living completely in the moment, enjoying this journey called my life.

* My creative expression is too important to stifle out of fear of what others think. I bring my creative expression out from my heart because I care that it makes a difference while I enjoy the process.

* My romantic relationship is with a person who is my dearest and best friend. We are fully supportive of each other and trust each other completely.

* I listen to my body and rest when I feel tired, go for a walk in nature when I need rejuvenation, and consume only what is good for my body.

* I remember that the goals I am working to achieve constitute every moment of my life, and I live them out with passion.

* I ask for support when I need it, and allow myself to be real.

* In my writings to God, I ask to know about anything that is unconsciously holding me back, and how to transform it.

* In my writings, and each day, I ask to be divinely guided toward only what is for my highest good and the highest good of all.

* I speak to and treat all others in the same manner that I would want to be treated and spoken to.

* I stop looking for outward status and start being a pure change that I would love to see in this world.

* I never explain my personal views or spiritual preferences to people who cannot relate. I share what I choose to share only with people who can be supportive rather than arguing with me to negate my truth.

* I select my close personal friends very carefully based on the goodness in their hearts, and for no other reason.

* I remember to ask for pointers and guidance from people who are in a position I would like to move into, and I trust they will be happy to give me a few pointers in a positive direction.

* I admit my true feelings to myself rather than fighting them and trying to make them go away. They are trying to tell me something I need to acknowledge and know.

* I create my life’s work and purpose based solely on heartfelt inspiration. Passion, not outcomes, fuels my purpose.

* I fully trust that when something does not work out the way my personality wanted it to, ultimately, it worked out for my highest good.

* I trust that any delay is a blessing in disguise.

* I set priorities for my daily activities according to what I feel most inspired to do. My schedule is filled only with what I love.

* I stop doing anything that no longer brings me joy, with the exception of caring for my children, and clear out any part of my life that I no longer feel excited about.

* I know that I am the creator today of what my life will look like tomorrow.

* If I ever worry about what others are going to think, I remind myself that anyone can think many things. What is most important is following through with what I believe in my heart is real and true, so long as it brings harm to no one, including myself.

* I stay away from drama, gossip, negative people, and negative situations. I surround myself only with people and situations that reflect the pure truth inside my heart.

* I stop trying to follow what others are doing, and instead create and bring out what I love as my own unique contribution to my life and this world.

* I remember that no matter how successful a person may be, the truest form of success is a loving and pure heart. That is priceless and eternal.

© Copyright 2009, 2012 Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Exclusive Excerpt from the book The Ultimate Guide to Self Love (Published by The Rose Group, September 2009) ISBN:0979516153.

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About the Author:

Dr. Barbara Sherry Rose, most widely known as “Born To Inspire” was born in Bayside, New York. She attended Franklin College in Lugano, Switzerland, was an honor student at The American University School of International Service in Washington, D.C., and was inducted into Kappa Tau Alpha National Honor Society for Journalism and Mass Communication. Dr. Rose is the bestselling author of twenty five books, a world renowned Life Transformation Specialist, and one of today’s most loved and respected spiritual teachers. As Founder of International Institute of Higher Self Communication merged with Global Life Transformation Foundation she shares the nondenominational process of receiving answers from God, transforming the lives of millions across the globe. Her highly acclaimed work is widely sought after and published internationally with subscribers spanning 191 countries.

Exclusive Excerpt Teen Relationships Adult Choices

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Teen Relationships Adult Choices

By Barbara Rose, PhD

WHEN YOU THOUGHT LIFE WOULD BE BETTER

This may be a time in your life when you thought it would be better than it actually is. If you are feeling unhappy, you may have received negative messages from your parents or your peers or other adults, and you may believe those negative messages.

When I was a teen, my adoptive father used to call me “dumb, stupid, and dead from the neck up, a nothing, and a nobody.” The sad thing was that I believed him.

For the most part, I was deeply unhappy during my teen years. I never felt good enough or accepted. I didn’t know what self-love felt like, and I didn’t understand how to feel better about myself and my life.

From years of verbal abuse, physical beatings with a belt, unfair treatment, and degradation, I felt worthless.

The Search to Feel Better

Because I felt so bad about myself, I began to look for anything that would make me feel better. Of course, back then I was looking outside of me, because I hadn’t yet learned that the feeling of being good enough could only come from inside of me.
I tried to mold my appearance to copy famous rock stars and actresses. I tried to look cool by wearing whatever clothes I thought would make me popular. I went along with what other teens were doing, things that in the beginning I really didn’t want to do, because I didn’t know that I actually had options. For example, back in the 1970s when I was a teen; drugs were everywhere, especially in school. I remember so vividly not wanting to try drugs, but I did try them—only because I wanted acceptance.

Friends, Drugs and Acceptance

When I tried drugs in high school, I honestly did not feel any better about myself than I did before I tried them. Then I tried more drugs just to numb my emotional pain. The sad part was that once the high wore off , the emotional pain was right there waiting for me.

It didn’t help me at all when I did drugs for six years in my early teens. It truly didn’t make me feel better about myself. It didn’t turn around the lies I believed about myself, and it didn’t help me turn anything else around for the better, either.

Eventually, I got sick and tired of trying drugs to be cool or feel better because they didn’t do a damn thing for me in the self-worth department. I still felt worthless.

What massive lesson did I learn?

Drugs that got me wasted were a complete waste of my time.

When You Have to Have it

I went through every phase of trying to look cool to be accepted. Whatever was “in” I had to have.

Having Your Own Identity

I used to copy how other people looked, thinking that if I looked like them, then I would somehow be better than I was. I didn’t have my own identity, and I didn’t know how to have my own identity.

The purpose of this book is to help you learn how to turn unhappiness around from the inside out so you can break the vicious cycle of trying everything outside of yourself to feel better, trying everything to feel that you belong, and are good enough. Believe it or not, many, many adults I work with still feel the same way about themselves as they did when they were teenagers.

It is only by learning how to turn all of the unhappiness around that it finally makes the most awesome and positive difference. That is the most important thing you can get from this book: learning how to transform any low feelings you have about yourself. I can assure you that you were not born with those feelings.

I will tell you this right off the bat: that if you don’t think you’re an awesome person, you’re wrong. And that’s the first view we’re going to turn around in the next chapter.

The above excerpt was re-printed with permission from the book Teen Relationships Adult Choices © Copyright 2012 Barbara Rose, PhD. All rights reserved.

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What ‘Till Death Do Us Part’ REALLY Means

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By Barbara Rose, PhD

Let me address this issue of eternity, this promise many couples demand of each other and recite in standard wedding vows. Taken literally, this promise is broken more than it is kept. But “Till death do us part” can be interpreted differently.

In this phrase, “death” does not need to mean the end of physical life. It can mean the end of the couple’s purpose for being together; once the purpose is fulfilled, the union no longer needs to continue.

Now that I have just shocked and mortified the majority of the human race, please allow me to explain further so you can have a clearer and deeper understanding.

When two people meet and grow in love, the purpose of their meeting is to help each other in a certain area, on a certain level of their lives. Now, I shall go into this in more detail in Chapter 4, Soul Mates. But here, I am not speaking of soul mates; I am speaking of those couples who find themselves in divorce court even though they once promised to be together for the remainder of their lives.

Of course there is nothing wrong with traditional marriage. It is a lovely concept. With all of the single parents in society today, however, this idea of “till death do us part” needs clarification.

How could you possibly promise something about a time that is decades away? How could you possibly be so sure that you and your partner will continue to grow together for the remainder of your lives and not grow apart? Why would you promise something you might not be able to fulfill?

Two people meet for a particular reason, a reason related to emotional growth or lessons to be learned to foster that growth so that they can become all they are meant to be, become who they really are, as opposed to their false perceptions of self.

Think about your own relationships or marriages. Was there one in which you felt so in love at first? And did you discover after a while that that particular partner had provided you with an opportunity for personal growth – an opportunity to awaken those aspects that had been dormant within you? And after you grew, did you still want that same person to remain as your partner?

Judging from the statistics on divorce in this country, my guess is that about half of the people reading this would answer “no.” Someone entered your life; as a result of that relationship, you grew to be more of who you really are. When the relationship fulfilled its purpose, you no longer felt the need to remain together, so you went your separate ways.

But in many cases, two people are meant to share the remainder of their lives together; those are the couples who are still happily married decades later, and this is perfectly fine as well.

So, it is not that marriage is right or wrong, good or bad. It is a wonderful thing to be with one person for as long as the relationship is of mutual benefit, to help each other grow, to explore life, to engage your minds in new areas. But to remain together because of some recited obligation, long after you do not fit into each other’s life, long after you have stopped growing and have no common purpose – that is the same as signing a contract with an employer stating, “I will work here, in this job, until death do us part. And no matter how my interests or life goals change, no matter how dissatisfied I am with this job, no matter how many other areas of my life I could fulfill if I were to have a different job, I will still stay with you as long as I live.”

Does this make any sense at all? Of course not! Yet that is what couples do when they promise to remain together for the remainder of their lives. This is a ridiculous promise. In many cases it cannot and should not be fulfilled; in other cases it is wonderfully fulfilled.

Instead of promising to remain together forever, why not agree that you will be committed to each other as long as you can truly grow together, be there for each other, support each other’s individual growth, be a true friend to each other, and as long as your union serves your highest good in all areas. Agree that if you grow apart, if your goals, perspectives, lifestyles, desires, purpose, interests, or intellectual and spiritual growth takes you each on a different path, then you will honor the other’s path just as you honor your own. And you will separate for the good of both of you.

You deserve a partner who is truly your friend. Why should you sacrifice your entire life to remain with someone who deadens your senses rather than encouraging all of your senses to come alive? Just because you made a promise at an altar does not mean you have to keep that promise at the cost of your individual growth, self-worth, self-respect, and self-esteem, or your potential, goals, dreams, aspirations, and life purpose.

Marriage can be a wonderful thing; there is nothing intrinsically right or wrong with it. But – and this is a very large but – it is meant to last only as long as the purpose of both partners can be fulfilled. When that purpose – whether it be personal growth, having children, creating something together, learning how to relate – has run its course and the two parties truly become like strangers, it is time to part ways.

Now, this does not mean that when a couple experiences difficult times they should separate. No. Not at all. For to grow to understand, to reach beyond your comfort zone and grow to be your very best, both as an individual and as a couple takes work.

Rocky times are a challenge to be acknowledged, worked through, and resolved so you can experience deeper friendship, greater understanding, happier times, and higher levels of life experience together.

Do not think I am saying, “Oh, we disagree, so it’s divorce time.” No, absolutely not. What I am saying is that if you do not even recognize the person you are married to anymore, if both of you truly have grown and changed in so many areas, on so many levels that you share nothing in common anymore besides a mailing address, that is when the marriage has come to its natural finish. That is when it is time to part ways and to thank the other person for teaching you so much, for helping you grow to be more of who you really are. Throughout a separation and divorce you can display respect and gratitude for all you have learned and shared, and especially for all you have grown.

Honor your feelings. Trust your perceptions. Reach beyond your own desires to understand what the other is trying to communicate. Listen to their words, watch their actions, trust the feelings you pick up from them, and say it all out loud. Do not hold back. Be honest. Your pride is not as important as your personal truth, integrity, and happiness.

For if you place your pride above your personal truth, and you withhold your truth, you will find that you are ultimately alone, without the one you love and even without the love and support of your self. Holding back the real truth leads only to regret.

When you share your truth, even at the expense of your pride, at least you know you did your all. At least you do not live with regret.

Remember always and in all ways: Be true to yourself; be true to the other; dare to say how you feel; dare to express what you think; and dare to live, thrive, and grow, either alone or together. Either way, your desire to be all you can be, can be fulfilled only by honoring your truth and finding the love within to share that truth until death do you part from this life.

© Copyright 2001, 2003, 2012 by Barbara Rose,PhD All Rights Reserved.

The above is an excerpt from the book Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth, and Your Life. by Barbara Rose Published by The Rose Group (April 2003) ISBN-10: 097414570X.

The Competition Fallacy

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By Barbara Rose, PhD

So many people falsely think that if they help another, they are helping the competition. This scarcity perspective breeds greed and insecurity; ultimately, people who hold it will realize that had they not been helped at certain times, they would not have had the opportunity to be where they are today.

Now, if where you are today is the last place you would like to be, then this moment is your starting point, the important place from which you will create a way to shine again–to achieve, produce, and share the lessons you have learned as a result of your hardship.

Perhaps you feel happy about where you are today, perhaps you have come that far. Then this too is your time to create a way to help others. Share how you achieved your success.

You will not be “giving your secrets away”; instead you will find that you are helping so many people uplift themselves that the rewards and recognition you receive will be immeasurable.

A special woman named Arielle Ford is a well-known, highly respected publicist. Because I did not yet have a publishing contract while writing this book, she could not take me on as a client. But I knew I needed publicity to ensure that the messages in this book would reach you. Arielle offers a taped seminar series called “Book Publicity University.” It is phenomenal. She created it for authors who cannot afford to hire a publicist.

Ironically, on one of the tapes she describes a recurring dream in which she shares her publicity secrets and know-how with others. At the time those dreams occurred, she thought, “What a nightmare.” When I listened to this, I smiled. Her “nightmare” was the answer to my prayers.

Thank you, Arielle!

If you take a lit candle and walk into a room with one hundred people, each holding an unlit candle, and you touch your flame to the wick of another candle, you create more light. You do not lose anything by giving unto another.

And as all the people in the room realize this, their light touches another until all one hundred candles are lit.

The room is filled with light. Yet you always and forever will retain your own.

That is the process and the power of giving. You do have so much more when you give and so do so many others. If you held onto your single lit candle and were afraid to lose your light by giving to another, your fear would prevent you from seeing the difference you can make. Your fear stems from your belief that you will lose what you have if you give to another.

Please realize you are not meant to give all you have away, but you can certainly contribute: simple advice, a phone call, an answer to a letter. When you cooperate, you give. When you lend an ear, you give friendship or comfort.

Time is a valuable gift. Do not deplete your life, however, if you are not being given to in return.

© Copyright 2001, 2003, 2012 by Barbara Rose, PhD All rights reserved.

Partial excerpt from the book “Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth, and Your Life” by Barbara Rose Published by The Rose Group (April 2003) ISBN-10: 097414570X.