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When to Leave Skid Marks in the Beginning of a Romantic Relationship

Stop Being the String Along

By Barbara Rose, PhD

The following guidelines are here to keep you sane, with self esteem, high self worth, and what to look out for at the onset of a romantic relationship that can be potentially destructive, leaving you feeling worthless.

When you notice any of the guidelines below, this is when to leave skid marks while you run in the opposite direction. As a result, you will preserve your sanity, your self worth, and you will attract a new partner who will treat you with the dignity and respect every human being deserves.

The Guidelines

  • The first degrading remark made to you must be the last.
  • The first time you are ordered around, as if you have a new dictator in your life.
  • Any time you are shoved, pushed, hit, smacked, and/or forced to do anything you do not feel entirely comfortable with.
  • When you are told what you can and cannot do.
  • When you are told how to spend your money.
  • Anytime you feel intimidated or scared of the other person.
  • The first time you are put down or insulted in front of other people.
  • When you are upset, speak up about your feelings, and are either ignored, told you are overreacting, and when your feelings are completely disregarded.
  • When the other person intentionally pushes your buttons to get an emotional reaction out of you.
  • When the other person plays jealousy games with you.

  • The first time you are stood up, without a call in advance, and there was not an emergency situation.
  • When you are told that your religious or spiritual preferences are wrong, and need to change to suit the other person.
  • When you begin to notice a pattern that causes you to constantly feel emotionally, mentally, physically or financially drained, and nothing is changing.
  • When you feel you are being used.
  • When you are lied to.
  • When you are only called last minute and never have any pre-set plans to get together.
  • When you are told that he or she does not want to be in a relationship.

    If you experience any of the above, it is time to move on. If you remain in the relationship, then you will be stringing yourself along, crying yourself to sleep, and wondering why you feel so terrible.

    When you feel that you are being played, honor your feelings, because they are your truth. When you honor your truth guess what will happen? You will attract someone else who will be a joy in your life as opposed to a misery.

    As you follow your truth, your self esteem and self worth are going to grow rapidly. This is what attracts a partner who will be awesome for you – it all stems from your honoring your truth. I hope these guidelines have helped you. I can share with you that since I have been following the above guidelines, it has made an enormous difference in my life. I actually feel the inner confidence to live it all out, which is entirely empowering and freeing. I am sure you will feel the same way, too.

    © Copyright 2011 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Article abstract based on the book Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE

    Published by The Rose Group (April 2005) ISBN: 0974145742

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    Verbal Abuse in Relationships and What to Do About It

    KNOW YOURSELF

    Verbal Abuse in Relationships and What to Do About It
    By Barbara Rose, PhD

    I decided to include this chapter about abuse because most women who feel “less than,” most women who do not feel whole, radiant, or supremely confident are being abused.

    Are you? I am going to describe the most common forms of abuse, and then I am going to ask you to write down how this may pertain to you. The writing will greatly help you see what may be blocking you from coming into wholeness. The abusive words and behaviors that come from another may be undermining you more than you realize.

    Perhaps they are not coming to you now, but they might have in the past. Perhaps abuse is imposed on you every day, and you accept it because you believe this is just the way the imposer is; you keep the status quo out of a deep fear of being alone, without a partner, or without the material comfort or convenience you may receive from the imposer. But abuse in all forms erodes your self-worth and confidence. It is poison to radiance, toxic to wholeness, and lethal to supreme confidence.

    Here are the signs of abuse. If they pertain to you, just know one thing: this is your opportunity to spot the signs and learn how to get out of the abuse.

    Verbal, Mental, and Emotional Abuse

    I am going to guide you step by step so you can see how all forms of abuse can only undermine the wholeness, radiance, and supreme confidence you really want to feel. It is my deepest hope that you not only embrace what I am about to tell you, but that you also find the courage to take personal responsibility for your well-being on all levels.

    Verbal Abuse

    Let’s say you’ve put on a few pounds, or even 20 or 30, and your partner makes a snide remark: “Putting on some extra weight there, Hon; better get to the gym.” I call that remark verbal abuse. It does not feel good. It feels demeaning. When a remark feels demeaning, it is demeaning. And this is verbal abuse.

    Do not make excuses for observations. The one you love can “observe” that you are getting greyer, more wrinkled, less toned. The list could go on.

    What matters is that you deserve to have someone in your life who loves and accepts you just as you are, weight, grey hair, wrinkles, and all.

    Now, suppose you say, “Boy, I’m really gaining weight.” And your partner answers, “Yep, but we all do sometimes. I love you for who you are, not the number on the scale.” That is an unconditionally loving partner.

    Do you see the difference? I could write an entire book about abuse, but I want to get straight to the point so you notice what abuse is.

    Verbal abuse consists of comments that cause you to feel “less than.” They cause you to have that sinking feeling in your stomach, that feeling of betrayal, hurt, depression, sadness, and grief.

    When you notice that you are being abused–verbally or otherwise–you, my dear sister, have two choices: (1) you can keep allowing it to happen, which will cause you to feel even less than you have ever felt in the past; or (2) you can ask the abusive person to completely stop. If he or she does stop, this is fantastic. If he or she doesn’t stop, then you are going to have to summon up all of your inner truth, all of your real feelings about the verbal abuse you receive each day, and walk out of this person’s life.

    If you have asked the abusive person to stop many times and nothing has changed, nothing will change. The abusive person will not stop just because you ask again. People who tell you to understand the abuser and to remain in the abusive situation seriously need to reconsider their statements. I would never guide you to take abuse or to tolerate it, not even for a few minutes.

    Verbal abuse comes in the form of snide remarks, put-downs, insults, degrading comments, forceful demands, controlling tones, and harsh words.

    As a woman who wishes to feel whole and complete on the inside so that your inner glow shows on the outside, you must leave the abusive situation. There is no other way.

    © Copyright by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Chapter excerpt reprinted with permission from the book Know Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Wholeness, Radiance & Supreme Confidence. (Rose Group ,January 2006) ISBN: 0974145734

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    Essential Communication Guidelines with Teens that Work


    Essential Communication Guidelines with Teens that Work
    By Barbara Rose, PhD

    A Parent or a Boss

    Parents whose teens are thriving typically relate to their teens, rather than boss them around. They put themselves in their teenagers’ shoes, and pick their battles when it comes to setting strict boundaries. They do not act like drill instructors; they do not order their teens around. They relate from their hearts, and their teens feel it.

    As a result of receiving respectful communication from their parents, teens respond positively.

    The following guidelines for verbal and nonverbal communication with your teens will be immediately helpful if taken in and applied.

    Communication Guidelines

    1. Never put your teen down in an insulting manner.

    2. Always speak to your teen with the same respect you would show adults you have great respect for.

    3. Carefully explain the reasoning behind whatever you request of your teen, such as curfews or sexual safety. Explain yourself exactly as you would to your own best friend.

    4. Honor your teen’s boundaries and privacy in an age-appropriate manner by asking questions with sincerity rather than in a threatening or demeaning tone.

    5. If either your or your teen’s temper flares up, state that you both need an hour or two to cool off and calm down so you can resolve the matter at hand in the best possible way; this will prevent communication from flying out of control and escalating into a volcanic eruption.

    6. Never hit or physically touch your teenager in any inappropriate or hurtful manner. This is called abuse, and you can be put in jail for such treatment.

    7. If you feel concerned or upset, phrase your concern by sharing your feelings instead of giving your teen the third degree as if he or she were on a witness stand.

    8. Allow your teen to express him – or herself openly and honestly while you listen with full attention.

    9. Reflect back what your teen has expressed to you just to be certain that you understand where he or she is coming from. This creates understanding and prevents unnecessary fights.

    10. Always and under all circumstances honor who your teen is on the inside, even if he or she is different from what you prefer or what you were taught about gender roles.

    For example, if your teen is a male and he wants to be a ballet dancer, honor him for it. This shows him that you love and accept him for who he is, which is crucial. Alternatively, if your teen is a female and she wants to work as an automotive engineer or any role that you may have been taught “should” be a male role, honor her choice just as you would if she told you she was interested in a career that you may view as more appropriate for females.

    In the next chapter, I explain how crucial acceptance of your teen is; if there has been a downward spiral in attitude or behavior or both, it can be turned around.

    © Copyright 2007, 2011 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Exclusive Book Excerpt republished with permission from the book Dear God, I Have Teenagers. Please Help! Published by The Rose Group (April 17, 2007) ISBN-13: 978-0974145778.

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    Vital Questions and Answers for Divorced Parents Raising Teens

    Vital Questions and Answers for Divorced Parents Raising Teens
    By Barbara Rose, PhD

    The following questions were submitted by parents prior to the writing of the book Dear God, I Have Teenagers. Please Help! The questions along with the answers have been selected and excerpted from the book to share with the parents who are divorced raising teens because the issues addressed are so prevalent. The answers given can be immediately helpful for you and your teens if you find you are in similar situations.

    A Divorced Parent’s Question:

    I am a divorced single mom with two teens. Their father sees them every other weekend but ignores them otherwise because he is busy with his new family. Their hurt and trauma is huge! Should I move far away with the kids so they “know” and “think” that their dad ignores them (can’t show up and be available) because of distance? Or do I stay nearby so they at least have some contact? It is very clear that he is ignoring them.

    The Answer:

    Moving away to shield then from the truth is the last thing you would want to do. It is important to let them know their father loves them and is doing the best job he knows how to do, and that how often he sees them is not a reflection of their self-worth. It is vital that you let them know they are so lovable and worthy. It is also important that you teach them that they never cause other people’s actions. Other people’s actions are caused by the other people themselves.

    It is also crucial that you never put their father down to them, because they are as much a part of their father as they are of you.

    My own natural father moved away when I was six-years-old. My mom always spoke horribly about him to me. Of course she did not know a better way at that time. I grew up believing that “If I was lovable, daddy would have been around to see me, so I must not be lovable.” My mom telling me “If your father cared about you, he would have been there” caused a lot of emotional pain. If she had let me know that I was so lovable, that dad loved me but was not able to be around because of other obligations, and that his not being around was not a reflection of my worth nor was it ever about me at all, this would have made a huge difference in preventing low self-worth.

    It is important for you to teach your children that the actions of any other human being never reflect their own worth. They were born worthy and lovable, and they always will be. The reason you are experiencing this situation is to learn this vital lesson. Once learned, your self-esteem and self-acceptance never again hinge on the actions of others. This is entirely freeing and brings a great deal of inner peace that will replace what you call “hurtful trauma.” This is how that trauma can be transformed.

    A Divorced Parent’s Question:

    I am a stepparent with a teenager. How can I best support her through the conflicts between her parents? Her father continues to put her “in the middle.”

    The Answer:

    You can do two things that will help her. First, you can explain to her that she can ask her father to communicate with her mother directly because she does not feel comfortable being his messenger and she does not feel comfortable being put “in the middle” because this is not fair to her.

    You can also explain to her that her dad is doing the best job with respect to communication that he knows how to do, that she is part of both parents equally, that she never has to take sides, and that she can share her real feelings so she does not get depressed or feel coerced or intimidated. Let her know it is okay to share her truth with her dad.

    Second, you can explain to her dad that by putting her in the middle and not communicating civilly and cordially with her mother sets an example of unhealthy communication. You can explain to her dad that during her teen years, she has enough to deal with, and his adding to her burden does not help her at all. If he really and truly cares about his daughter, he will stop putting her in the middle and communicate directly with her mother, for the sake of his daughter.

    You are smart enough to see and know the difference between healthy and unhealthy dynamics, so expressing these explanations kindly and graciously will help a lot. Meanwhile, encourage your stepdaughter to always share her true feelings with you and her natural parents. This will teach her to communicate in a healthy manner, and, in turn, she can become a good example for her dad to learn from.

    © Copyright 2007 by Barbara Rose, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Exclusive Excerpt taken from the book Dear God, I Have Teenagers. Please Help! Published by The Rose Group ISBN-10: 0974145777 (April 2007)

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    What to Say to a Teen Who Has an Abusive Boyfriend

    Dear God I Have Teenagers Please Help!

    What to Say When a Teenager (or Adult) Has an Abusive Boyfriend
    By Barbara Rose, PhD

    When I was eighteen years old I had an abusive boyfriend, and I was miserable. My mom would sit and tell me how poorly I was allowing myself to be treated. Back then, I remember hearing her words and knowing deep in my heart that she was 100 percent correct with respect to everything she was telling me. I felt humiliated, and I felt low self-worth. I felt embarrassed to admit that she was right. I wanted to look good. I didn’t want to look like a failure, and I certainly did not want to admit to her that she was right. Although everything she said hit home, and I knew it, what I really wanted was support, understanding, and someone to guide me in a loving manner so I could break up with that abusive boyfriend.

    I needed a real friend, not a daily lecture.

    Of course my mom was pointing out the obvious, and she was doing so in the best manner she knew how. All parents do the best they know how. Now, this book is in your hands to help bring you another perspective so you can glean some beneficial insight to help you with your teen. The only one who can help you with how you relate to your teen is you, backed by your decision to learn whatever you can to help you get to a better place, so you can lovingly guide your teen to the best possible place on all levels of his or her life.

    If you see your teen dating someone you feel and know is not in his or her best interest, here’s an approach you can try that may work wonders. Try letting your teen know that you truly believe in him or her and that his or her current choice may simply be a mistake, which he or she didn’t see at the beginning of the relationship.

    Isn’t this true for all of us who have ended relationships? We usually did not see that the relationship would not be in our best interest when it began. Everybody goes through this. It is so important for you to let your teenager know that everyone who was ever in a relationship that turned out to be painful really did not see that in the beginning, and this does not make your teen a failure.

    Try this approach as well. Try saying the following: “I believe in you and I know you are very smart. I know this is a difficult time and I know you will come out of this shining. Relationship mistakes are filled with great lessons to be learned. So even if you feel sad, please never feel like a failure because you never failed! It’s okay and even positive to walk away from a relationship that causes you to hurt. I did, and I know many other people who have. The most important thing for you to know and remember is that a relationship is never a reflection of how good you are deep inside. You were born good. You’re just learning through experience, the way everybody else learns, and in my life, the most painful times taught me so much. I know you are going to make the best choices that will cause you to feel happy again, and I am behind you all the way.”

    Now, I believe that the above paragraph expresses sincerity, unconditional love, support, honesty, humility, and wisdom. I also believe that by relating positively to your teen and supporting him emotionally rather than preaching to him, you would most likely help him make a swift departure from a negative relationship in which he feels miserable.

    Here is the alternative, and please be honest with yourself as to which dialogue you would rather hear from your parent if you were your teen.

    Alternative Dialogue

    “How can you let yourself be treated like dirt? Where is your backbone? You’re acting like a spineless wimp. He uses you, treats you like garbage, and you take it like a doormat. Why don’t you just break up with him? What’s wrong with you? Don’t you have a brain in your head? I can’t stand to see you let yourself be treated this way. You’re miserable. I’ve never seen anything like this before. Take a stand and show a backbone.”

    You Choose

    Which of those examples do you think will really reach your teen? Which one feels more supportive? Which one do you think your teen would respond to faster? Which one would you respond to faster and with more sincerity if it was about you?

    I believe you would prefer the first paragraph. I believe you would prefer to be related to with loving support rather than being preached at. Let me ask you a question now, being you are a grown adult. Has your parent ever spoken to you in either of the ways expressed above? What do you honestly prefer, to be related to and supported or to be preached at?

    If you’re anything like most human beings who have feelings, I believe you would vastly prefer to be spoken to in the most gentle yet loving and sincere manner. Truth must be spoken at all times. But the manner in which it is spoken makes all the difference in the world.

    I want nothing more than for you to be able to thrive in your relationship with your teenager. I’m a mom, too, and nothing is more important to me than my own teenagers. What I did was speak and behave toward them in the exact opposite manner from which I was spoken to and treated when I was growing up. I know what it feels like to wish I had a parent who could really understand me, be my friend, and relate to me, while he or she showed me he or she truly believed in me.

    I am positive that if you did not have that growing up, you most likely wished for the same thing. I would also venture to say that if your teen does not feel an incredible amount of unconditionally loving support coming from you, your relationship may be decaying, when deep in your heart you would prefer that it thrive. At least I hope this is what you would prefer.

    Exclusive excerpt from the bestselling book Dear God, I Have Teenagers. Please Help! (ISBN: 0974145777 Rose Group, April 2007) © Copyright 2007, 2011 by Barbara Sherry Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved.

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    How to Get Over Someone You Still Love

    If you are looking for REAL answers to successfully get over someone you still love, you’ve found them right here.


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    In just a short while you will feel as if A-HA! light bulbs are FINALLY illuminating your mind with ANSWERS that have worked for Barbara and countless other people globally – men and women alike.

    Download is $29 US. Receive immediate access to your audio seminar upon checkout from fully secure Pay Pal.

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    Goodbye Doormat – How to Be Treated Like a QUEEN!

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    • Would you like to be treated like platinum in a relationship?
    • Are you feeling frustrated that no matter how “nice” you are, it’s getting you nowhere?
    • Do you know what it takes to TRANSFORM so you can have the relationship you really deserve?
    • Would you like to find out what it takes in about an hour?
    • Once you know WHAT to do, WHEN to do it, HOW AND WHY – it will all make so much sense to you and will give you the courage you need to turn this cycle around.

    The answers you need to turn this around are immediately available to you upon fully secure checkout from Pay Pal. Tuition for this deeply transforming live recorded seminar is $29 US.

    Click below to gain immediate access to the information and answers that are genuinely life changing!

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    Custody Guidelines for Loving Parents


    Custody Guidelines for Regaining and Keeping Custody of Your Children

    Custody Guidelines for Regaining and Keeping Custody of Your Children
    By Barbara Rose, PhD

    I know how devastating it feels to lose primary custody, and what is needed to keep shared custody of the children.

    The following guidelines are the bottom line on what to do during the custody litigation process, as well as what would make for the best and most positive atmosphere for the children.

    The Mindset about the Other Parent

    You must view the other parent as equally the parent of your children as you are.

    Cease all negative talk and all verbal assaults about the other parent, especially in front of the children.

    Make it safe for your children to feel love for the other parent.

    Stop the battle to win – and start to view the whole situation in terms of a child who truly needs you and the other parent.

    Your motives must be pure – strictly for the benefit of your children.

    After all is said and done, sharing for the physical care of your children is a fifty-fifty job to be equally shared by both parents. (So long as neither parent is causing harm to the child.)The whole premise of “custody” is barbaric. You, the parent, have a lifelong bond with your child and from this moment forward you child’s feelings must come first, before anything else.

    The fight for control must be transformed into an equal sharing of custody, including respect shown to the other parent at all times in front of the children.

    Remember, custody litigation is all about what is in the best interest of the child.

    What the Court Looks for the Following to Determine Custody Placement

    A safe, loving and stable home environment.

    A parent, who is responsible, follows the laws of society, is even tempered and level headed.

    A parent who provides solid assurance of having the ability to raise the children under the best of circumstances.

    A parent who can be home with his or her children. Acting jobs, music tours, anything that take you away from home and away from your children on a nightly basis need to be substituted for work that will keep you available as a devoted mother.

    What You Must Do Regarding the Court

    Your appearance needs to be squeaky clean. Think Mary Poppins, or a Librarian.

    Remove all jewelry, nose rings, tongue piercing, dramatic make-up, and re-do your appearance to be wholesome. Think Meg Ryan in the movie, “You’ve Got Mail” – her appearance was low key, the “nice, clean cut girl.”

    Ideally you want to wear no make up except for sheer lip gloss. Hair pulled back in a pony tail, just a simple watch if you need to wear one, no nail polish or clear nail polish, a knee-length solid skirt in brown, navy or black with a button down white collar shirt, low shoes such as loafers. You need to look extremely wholesome when you go to court, AND because of media photojournalists, you need to look and dress this way.

    Take off all garments that are symbolic of a group or rebellious movement. This means that the Harley T-shirt needs to be put away in your draw, and substituted for a white button down collar shirt.

    Looking like a sex pot with mini skirts, polka dot dresses, high heels, or muscle shirts for the guys needs to be replaced with a fully clean cut appearance. A simple pair of navy or black slacks or below-the-knee skirt with a collar shirt buttoned either all the way, or up to the second button for the females. If there’s a tattoo on your neck, button the shirt all the way.

    CRUCIAL INFO REGARDING YOUR CASE AND THE JUDGE

    Find out the name of the Judge who presides over your case. A simple call to the courthouse will get you that info; just make sure you have your case number.

    If you can hire an attorney, make sure he or she never lost a case in front of the Judge, and the attorney is well liked by the Judge.

    What they don’t teach you in Law school, or any school for that matter, is that Judges are people just like you and me, and they have favorite friends – one of them is an attorney! They belong to the same golf and country club, or share time on a volunteer committee. I have witnessed this first hand, and it is crucial to your case. Your attorney must be on outstanding, friendly terms with the judge – THAT is “how” this particular lawyer never lost a case in front of this judge.

    Your demeanor in court must be completely respectful of the Judge, as well as towards all in the room. The Judge is to be addressed as “Yes, Your Honor.” Or “Your Honor, may I please share something with you?” This is how to speak to a Judge.

    NEVER argue with the Judge.

    Speak to the Judge ONLY when you are asked to speak. NEVER interrupt the Judge.

    If you have a lawyer, let your lawyer do the talking for you until you are asked a question directly, then answer it honestly and CALMLY.

    No matter what you are feeling, keep your emotions even keeled.

    Do not cry, or become angry or defiant in court. When I was given visitation rights in 1996 tears burst out of my eyes as if a dam burst open. The judge’s looked at me and said in a forceful tone, “And don’t you cry!” Any emotions displayed that are not calm and collected cause you to appear either emotionally fragile, emotionally unstable, volatile, dangerous, or incapable of handling an adult circumstance as a mature, even tempered adult.

    When you’re in court remember to remain calm, dignified, respectful, level headed, even tempered and agreeable. This is crucial.

    If there is a court appointed guardian ad litem – either as a paid attorney or a free volunteer, that guardian essentially becomes “Judge and jury” and “the eyes of the Judge” regarding your case. You must treat the guardian with the utmost respect throughout the entire custody process.

    You can thank the guardian for being so helpful, for taking the time to visit your home, and for looking out for what is in the best interest of the children.

    Ninety nine percent of the time the Judge will “rubber stamp” the recommendations of the guardian. This is why the guardian is the one who really makes the decisions.

    Follow all court orders, with a respectful demeanor to ensure the best possible outcome regarding your situation.

    Your demeanor needs to be extremely humble and polite. Show the Judge that you are willing to obey all requests of the Court.

    If the Court orders a psychological evaluation, only use the COURT’S psychologist.

    Never go to a different private psychologist. The Court views this as “pre-testing” and will make you wait six months until you are evaluated by the Court psychologist.

    If anyone from the Court comes to visit your home, it must be extremely clean, with age appropriate toys for the children.

    Your child must be clean, dressed comfortably, have a happy smile, and treated as if the sun rises and sets over your child’s head.

    Never speak in a harsh tone to your child.

    Keep the adult issues of custody litigation strictly between the adults. Your child needs to be concerned with Mickey Mouse, coloring pictures and having special time with you.

    Crucial Parenting Guidelines During and After Litigation

    When your children are with you, your attention must be one hundred percent on your children.

    A parent can physically be home, and also be emotionally unavailable – with his or her attention wrapped up in everything other than the child. When your child is sleeping, or in nursery school, or elementary school that is when your attention can be on other things.

    Children need to see a happy, calm parent. Their environment needs to be PREDICTABLE in order for them to feel secure.

    If you are sad and your child asks you, “What’s wrong?” always share honestly saying something such as, “I just feel sad when I can’t be with you all the time, but I’m okay and I’m so happy to be with you now.” The reason for this is that your child has accurate perceptions, such as seeing you sad. You must validate the truth of what your child is picking up on, and then reassure your child that everything is okay, you love him, and you will always be so proud of him.

    You are NOT allowed to ever hit your child. This is called child abuse.

    If you feel frustrated, say, “I feel frustrated.” Often just saying how you feel helps you diminish the negative hold your feelings have on you.

    If you want your child to do something, the incorrect thing to say is, “you’re not going to play at your friend’s house until you put your toys away.” The CORRECT way to phrase a request is, “As soon as you put your toys away, then you can go to your friend’s house.

    Download “STAR KIDS” from my website. This is a free, entirely positive method of raising children that I created in 1991. I can only share with you that the parents, including me, who raised their children using this simple method have role model teenagers today. The parents who did NOT use this method, continued the drama, dysfunction, unavailability, and abusive tone have teenagers who are in trouble today. STAR KIDS is completely FREE, and it works like a charm!

    You must be home when your child comes home, and you must be home with your child every night of the week.

    It’s fine to go out for an hour or two, just make sure that you are tucking your child into bed at the same bed time every night, and that you are home throughout the night no matter who you are dating.

    This causes your child to feel secure, in a safe, predictable environment, which is EXACTLY what the Judge is looking for when deciding on custody placement.

    Things to Remember

    Throughout the entire litigation process you want to make sure that your work is in a respectable field, according to what the Judge would view as respectable. If you are working in a bar, dancing on stage in a skimpy outfit, staying out until all hours of the night, this needs to be reversed, now.

    Keep AWAY from dysfunctional, toxic people who thrive on drama, and/or are always complaining. A great rule of thumb is to take advice from someone whose shoes you would like to see yourself in.

    Remember that ultimately the Judge is just trying to see which parent will provide the most secure, stable, thriving environment for the child. It CAN be both parents! You AND the other parent can share custody 50/50.

    If the Judge grants primary custody to one parent, and visitation rights for the other, please remember you did NOT ‘lose’ your child. You are merely sharing for the physical care of him or her with the other parent.

    Place all of your attention and focus ON your child. Be PRESENT when you are with your child, meaning, your child must have your FULL attention. The other things can wait.

    You have people rooting for you. I am one of them. As my dearest Grandma Rose always used to say, “This too shall pass.” It passes much faster than I ever thought possible. My children are eighteen and nineteen years old now. There is no more ‘custody’, and we share a beautiful relationship.

    Just to share an example, I learned to make the best of my visitation rights, instead of continuing to fall apart. As an extra bonus I was class mom, went on school field trips, shared alternate holiday’s with them, and ALWAYS lived very close to them. This gave me “extra” time with my children, and showed them that everything is okay.

    This period is filled with great meaning, and will positively help you grow and flourish as a Mom.

    You WILL get through this period. Remember this is a transitory, temporary experience just as all experiences are.

    When thinking about “winning” custody – think “SHARING” instead. That will alleviate a great deal of agony, and your children will see the smiling, stable, loving parent that you truly are.

    © Copyright 2008, 2010 Barbara Rose, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.

    Additional Guidelines Barbara originally wrote for Britney Spears from the bottom of her heart – you can download this as Barbara’s Gift to You right here!

    Download Free as Barbara’s Gift to You Right Here! Then share the link to this page for your friends or anyone going through a child custody nightmare. It’s the CHILDREN that matter Most!

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    50 Reasons to Leave Skid Marks in a Relationship

    stop being the string along50 Reasons to Leave Skid Marks in a Relationship: Excerpt from Stop Being the String Along
    By Barbara Rose, PhD

    50 Reasons to Leave Skid Marks (Just one is reason enough to run fast!)

    1. Either of you is married and not completely available.

    2. The other is an active alcoholic or drug user, using substances regularly to avoid feelings.

    3. You see the first sign of physical or mental abuse: put downs, degrading comments, pushing, shoving, or hitting.

    4. The other person says he does not want to be in a relationship.

    5. You are not taken on dates and courted.

    6. You are a “friend with benefits.”

    7. You are called for last minute get-togethers and rarely go out on dates.

    8. You’re not allowed to express your feelings and are labeled emotional.

    9. There is no clear, genuine communication.

    10. You feel as if you are walking on eggshells to accommodate the other person.

    11. The other person rarely, if ever, lets you know he can be counted on.

    12. After six months, you do not know the other person’s family or friends.

    13. Your relationship is kept secret.

    14. After having been physically intimate with you for weeks or months, the other person no longer allows sexual relations.

    15. After expressing love for you, he takes back what he said.

    16. You rarely go places or do things together.

    17. You have vastly different views about life.

    18. Your spiritual or religious preferences are not honored and respected.

    19. The other person tries to change you.

    20. After intimacy, you are treated like a stranger.

    21. You are put down in front of other people.

    22. You are stood up for a date or plans.

    23. Plans are repeatedly broken and not reset for another time.

    24. You are sexually abused.

    25. He speaks badly behind the backs of other people he is “seeing.”

    26. Just about every other woman in his life is “just a friend” (that he slept with previously).

    27. You are referred to as “someone I know.”

    28. There is no physical chemistry or passion in bed.

    29. You cannot talk to him about anything.

    30. If you have a misunderstanding, he ends your relationship rather than talking it out.

    31. You never go on any sort of vacation or getaway with him.

    32. You are not acknowledged on special occasions and holidays.

    33. You are threatened in any manner.

    34. Your relationship has all kinds of restrictions and boundaries that prevent intimacy.

    35. After a few years you still do not share a life together or a genuine monogamous relationship.

    36. He lets you know about the other people he is having sex with (to see if you get jealous).

    37. He plays games with your feelings and tries to manipulate you.

    38. He cuts off communication when you are trying to discuss something that bothers you.

    39. He tells you to find someone else. (Do that!)

    40. He can be intimate with you only if he is drunk or high.

    41. The relationship is off balance and one-sided, to suit his needs, without reciprocation.

    42. Your personal growth is not honored.

    43. He tries to control your finances and tells you what you can and cannot spend.

    44. You have a telephone or Internet relationship and rarely get together in person.

    45. No effort is made to see you in person regularly.

    46. He goes out without you and calls you when he gets home in the middle of the night, but he rarely takes you out.

    47. He refuses to talk openly about where you stand with each other.

    48. He breaks up or stops contact with you repeatedly, and refuses to communicate openly, honestly, and authentically.

    49. He makes it clear to you that you are “just friends” after you have been intimate.

    50. Weeks go by without hearing from him at all.

    Take a good look at both of the lists. Which one describes your relationship? Do you see it written all over the pages? This list points to a string along relationship. The One has the first list.

    You are The One.Stop Being the String Along

    Partial chapter excerpt © Copyright 2010 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved from Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE. Published by The Rose Group (April, 2005) ISBN: 0974145742. An Amazon # 1 Relationship Bestseller.

    Barbara Sherry Rose, PhD is the bestselling author of twenty two books, a world renowned life transformation specialist, spiritual teacher and expert in Higher Self Communication. Her personal growth and transformation shared with millions of people from every part of the world has endeared her to the masses as a pure, loving and caring soul who shares by living example. Her ability to take the most difficult personal topics and bring through the solutions for herself and all has made her one of today’s most loved and respected spiritual teachers. Dr. Rose is the founder of International Institute of Higher Self Communication, HEADLINE Times – The First in Transformational Journalism. She shares with all of humanity the nondenominational process of receiving answers from God, as you personally understand that name to be. Her subscribers span 190 countries and her work spans the world. Visit her website BornToInspire.com .

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    Stop Being the String Along: Be THE ONE

    Stop Being the String Along

    EXCLUSIVE EXCERPT

    Ultimately, you want a partner you can be your true self with, a partner who will treat you with love and respect.

    The subconscious social conditioning we receive to get or capture another causes us to fail and to string ourselves along, while we simultaneously hide our real selves. This robs both people equally of the opportunity to get to know, love, and care for each other, while maintaining a solid sense of self.

    Being Equals

    It does not matter if you are male or female, nor does it matter what your sexual preferences are. The only thing that matters is that you view yourself and the other person as fully equal human beings.

    This means that your preferences and standards are equally as important as the other person’s. As a result, they are equally respected.
    This means that compromising your integrity or the other person’s integrity is not an option.

    Games and manipulation are not an option. Do you like it when someone plays games and tries to manipulate you? Of course not. Therefore, trying to manipulate the other person must never even be considered.

    Equals do not engage in a power play. There must be mutual respect. You must care enough about the other person’s feelings to dare to be honest; and you must be honest even if you feel scared or fear that stating your truth might be hurtful to the other, as long as your motive is pure and comes from your heart.

    It is the heart center within each person that ties us all together. Both men and women have feelings, and those feelings deserve to be honored at the expense of no one.

    Being Who You Are and True to Yourself

    In a relationship, being The One means being who you are, and sharing yourself honestly and genuinely with the other person.

    This honesty requires the courage to speak your truth, even if you fear rejection. It means that you stop holding back out of fear and start expressing your feelings kindly and graciously. What matters most is that you express your truth. Holding back your truth out of fear robs you of the ability to share your true self with the other, and it robs the other person of the opportunity to really know who you are, how you feel, what you think, and what you want.

    Stifling your truth causes the relationship to break down. It causes the relationship to stagnate or slowly deteriorate. At all stages of a relationship, from the first meeting through decades of being together, sharing your truth will never hurt you. Withholding your truth, however, will always hurt both you and the relationship.

    When you share your interests, talents, essence, and life purpose with the other person, he receives the gift of getting to know the incredible being that you are. You must find the courage to show your authentic self; you must risk daring to be the real you.

    If you fear loss, ultimately you lose your sense of self. Once you lose your self-worth, you begin to slowly deteriorate. Then, sadly, the relationship naturally follows that same downward spiral. On the flip side, taking a risk to share your genuine feelings, thoughts, and preferences will bring authentic truth into the relationship, and you can both thrive. But if you are not suited for each other, then it is better to part rather than string yourself or the other person along out of any sort of fear.

    Don’t you want to know the truth about what the other person feels and thinks? Well, the other person deserves to know the same about you.
    If you receive a phone call, do not act indifferent, as if you just received a call from a telemarketer. If you are happy to hear from him or her, simply say, “I’m happy to hear from you” or “It’s good to hear from you.” Say the truth. People want to be liked and appreciated; they don’t want to be treated like yesterday’s newspaper.

    If the other person says or does something that you really do not like, say, “When you said that, I felt hurt” or “When you did that, I felt rejected, and it would be so great if you would have done this instead.”

    If you let the person know, in the moment, when he does or says something that upsets you, you will simply communicate your truth graciously and, at the same time, let him know what you would prefer instead. You don’t need to create a dramatic scene. Simply and calmly state your truth, and show your respect for the other person by letting him know what you would prefer, rather than expecting him to read your mind.

    Only you can read your mind. You must communicate clearly so that you can have clarity rather than ambiguity within the relationship. If you’re walking on eggshells, promptly stand in your truth and muster up the courage to be real enough to state what is on your mind. This will open the door to clear communication. If the person genuinely wants to be with you, your authenticity will only help by giving him the opportunity to open up and be authentic with you in return.

    If your truth leads to a breakup, wouldn’t you rather have someone in your life who really wants to be with you? Do you really prefer to walk on eggshells, putting up with words and behaviors that are far less than what you deserve?

    This is your choice. You can choose to string yourself or the other along, but in the end, this choice only diminishes your self-esteem.

    The greatest way to enhance your self-esteem is to be true to yourself on all levels of your life. This will naturally be reflected in how truthful you are with the other person. Whether you stay together or not, at least your relationship will be authentic. It’s always much better to go with the truth in your heart and soul. You can never go wrong with the truth.

    Taking the Games Out of Relationships

    People don’t want to be with others who are pining away for them, willing to sacrifice their truth, integrity, and self-esteem just to go along out of fear of rocking the boat or losing the relationship. Nobody truly wants a doormat.

    Neither the person who gets stomped on nor the person who does the stomping enjoys a fulfilling, rewarding relationship that contributes great joy to life.

    Nobody wins in a string along relationship. Everybody wins when you are both equally The One.

    To attract, thrive, and share a life with The One, to grow together, you have to be The One at all times, with zero games.

    Being The One means you do not settle. You refuse to settle because you know your worth. You refuse to manipulate just to get what you want by deception of any kind; you have too much integrity to lower yourself by playing manipulation games. You have too much self-love to sacrifice your truth. You have too much self-honesty to keep quiet out of fear. You care too much for the other as an equal member of the human race to even consider asking him to sacrifice his truth just to please you.

    If there are difficulties in the relationship, you must sit down together and share from your hearts everything that is upsetting to you, with each person receiving equal time on center stage to share his feelings, and with a shared desire to come to a mutually agreeable solution.

    If you have tried many times to work it out, and you genuinely feel that there is no relationship left that resembles the kind you really desire and deserve, then peacefully walk out of the relationship. Then you can both attract new partners who you can have a mutually satisfying relationship with.

    The One doesn’t even consider manipulative games or sacrificing self-truth to appease the other, and doesn’t keep the status quo out of a martyred sense of self-denial.

    View yourself and the other person purely as equal members of the human race. Have a life or create a life that you are passionate about so that you can share who you really are with the other.

    Show your real feelings. State your real feelings. If you’re not sure of your real feelings, simply say so. If you feel scared, it’s okay to say that. This openness creates a platform for authentic intimacy, in which it is safe to share your truth. The other person might very well react with relief because you have the courage to be real instead of hiding behind a façade, pretending to be what you think you’re supposed to be in order to gain approval.

    The only approval and validation you ever need can come only from within you. Far too many people tiptoe around learned cultural rules and regulations to “capture” the other person. How about being the real you so that the other person has an opportunity to get to know who you are and what you’re all about.

    You don’t have to go overboard to prove how lovable and incredible you are. The key to taking the games out of relationships is to stop playing head games with yourself, trying to figure out how you can “get” or “keep” the other person. The key is in getting and keeping your own life, and seeing the other person as a part of your life rather than your central focus. Don’t just pretend to be busy–be passionately absorbed in your life! Don’t just say you’re not available; be available when you can be, but honor the other priorities in your life. Waiting by the phone is not a priority.

    If you focus on the other person as the be-all and end-all of your life purpose, then do yourself a big favor: take that focus and place it on becoming your best self and on contributing your best to this world. Then, when you are genuinely available to see the other person, see him and have a blast. If you feel like sending flowers, send them. If you’re in a relationship and you both want it to thrive, it’s okay for a woman to do something kind for a guy, and vice versa, as long as kindness is reciprocated. The relationship must be equal on all levels. If it’s not, why are you still in it? If you’re being taken for granted, leave. If you’re being treated the way you have always wanted to be treated, then treat the other person the same way. Take the male-female games out of the equation. Games may work for a short time, but they never make for a healthy, authentic relationship. In the end, games don’t work.

    If you think you have to put on an act or cover up your true self, then it’s time to ask yourself what you are so afraid of. Usually the answer is that you’re afraid the real you is not lovable. To counter that, be who you really are.

    If you make truth the rule of thumb on all levels, you cannot go wrong. If you need more solitude, simply say so. If you would like to see the other person more, it’s okay to say, “I have such an awesome time with you. It would be great if I could see you more.” Then, trust your instincts about the response you get. If the other person is swamped, then understand. If you’re picking up signals that you sense are nonsense, then honor what your smart intuition is telling you, and get busy with your own life, with zero complaints. Someone can be busy but still call. Someone can be out of town and still send flowers. Someone who really cares shows it. Moreover, when you really care about you, you can show it to yourself by the excitement you put into your own life, and by sharing your activities with the other person when you do get together.

    Stop worrying so much if you are “getting it right.” Be your shining self.

    Stop worrying if you are going to “mess everything up.” Be honest.

    Stop worrying about who should be chasing whom. Share your authentic self.

    Stop settling for less than you deserve. State what you prefer.

    Stop compromising your integrity. Deal truthfully with the other person on all levels.

    Stop wasting your time trying to capture the other person. Let your life purpose capture you.

    Stop being the string along. Honor every feeling you have, and dare to be true to you.

    © Copyright 2010 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. 

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