If anyone has “settled” in relationships in the past it was me. I learned how to stop settling and that is why I recorded this free podcast for you. It is my joy to bring you answers and solutions.
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How to Stop Settling in Your Relationship. Duration 12:05
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Top 8 Healthy Relationship Questions and Answers
Run Time 17:39
© Copyright 2018 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved
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© Copyright 2017 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved.
By Barbara Rose, PhD
As a self-loving person, you will recognize that you cannot, ever, make someone else love you, be good to you, be your friend, or be there for you. No matter how hard you try, and especially when you try, you cannot force love, friendship, or caring from another person.
Have you ever felt someone else wanted you to love him or her? No matter what that person did or how hard he or she tried, did it work? No. It did not.
As we all know, chemistry between two people cannot be created or destroyed. Physical chemistry is either there or it is not. But the physical relationship between two people is not the same as love.
What is this perplexing phenomenon that has plagued man and woman through the centuries? What is love? Where does it come from? It comes from being yourself. Loving yourself. Finding honor, respect, and joy in, of, and because of yourself. Love comes when you awaken your interests, passions, and joys; when you use your talents and abilities to achieve your goals; when you thrive in areas you have not yet dreamed of; when you dare to dream even more.
Love is to be your own best friend.
To need you. To depend on you,
to honor, respect, adore, obey, cherish, and love you.
That is the key!
The key is you, not the other.
If the other also loved him- or herself, there would be no insincerity, lying, manipulation, fear, jealousy, degradation, abuse, cheating, or fighting. There would be differences of opinion and differences in preference or perspective, but not war between the other and you.
There would be a sweet, magnetic chemistry. Then there would be friendship.
In this friendship between two people who love, respect, and understand themselves there would be honesty with each other. People would not hold back their real feelings because to do so would be to lie to themselves as well as to the other.
People would not stop a meaningful activity simply because someone called them for a date. The date would be set for another time. People would not be upset or jump to melodramatic, illogical conclusions just because they have not heard from a special someone for a few days. They would hope all is fine with the other person and would trust that they will be in touch when the time is right.
People would not feel they have to be with each other simply because the calendar says it’s Friday or Saturday. There would, however, be regard for each other’s feelings, and both would assume that if they would like to get together, then it would be more appropriate to make tentative plans than no plans at all.
In our society, it is no secret, no surprise at all, that when two people start to date, all kinds of expectations arise; all kinds of games are brought into play. No wonder there are so many people home alone at night. Who needs the games; who wants the insincerity? Nobody!
The key word here is “want.”
You have to want nothing.
You have to be everything, for you.
When you have grown and evolved enough to be your own dearest and best friend, and when you have grown and evolved enough to encourage another to do whatever he or she needs to do for happiness or fulfillment, that is when you can be sure the special person in your life will be the mirror image of you.
That person will play with you and challenge you to be your very best. That person will honor himself and understand his own perspective, feelings, beliefs, attitudes, principles, preferences, and desires. And that person will naturally love, honor, and understand you.
When you let go of all of the wanting, the longing, the desperation, the agonizing, and the fear, you find something wonderful and magical happens: you have it. You have love.
Stop trying; start being.
Stop doing everything to get that other person. Start being everything you want to be for you, and you will find that person will one day open his eyes and see that you are the one he’s been searching for all along.
This is what it means to let go, to move on. You don’t throw your love out the window; to the contrary, you throw out your focus on loving the other. And you fill that void with love of self.
When you see yourself
as the source of your own pleasure,
you do not need it
to come from another.
As this need vanishes, you become even more desirable than you would be if you were at another person’s beck and call.
For how can people desire that which they have, and how can they strive to attain the level of intimacy they deserve if it is given to them so freely, so easily, without having been earned?
When you work toward a mutual, beneficial relationship, you both bring and contribute your gift of self to the union. Whether it is for a day, a year, a decade, or a lifetime, each person contributes the very essence of himself or herself.
You each already know exactly where you stand, what behaviors you will accept, and which ones you will not put up with.
© Copyright 2001, 2003, 2016 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life re-printed with permission, published by The Rose Group (April 17, 2003) ISBN-10: 097414570X.
 Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life
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By Barbara Rose, PhD
Now we are going to establish your inner truth and backbone-so you will actually feel a solid sense of self based on your truth.
From this moment on, whenever you notice any form of abusive behavior, I ask you to set a clear, definitive, and healthy boundary around yourself. Setting that boundary will allow you to move away from the source of abuse and to never allow abuse into your life again.
The Differences Between a Match and a Soul Mate
Because of the difficulty in most soul mate relationships in many cases you may discover a much easier relationship with another person. Yet, the eternal bond of the soul mate union will never disappear.
Can you love another person who is not your soul mate? Of course you can. However, that indescribable bond will still be kindling within the core of each of you.
Why Soul Mates Have Great Difficulty
There are two reasons this is a most difficult union.
1. The bond will never extinguish.
2. The growth is so vast some people cannot do it all within one lifetime.
This is the reason for the saying “Soul Mate Reunion.”
You have been united before and most likely may reunite again. It is best to leave it to fate—to your destiny for this to unfold.
Stop Waiting and Start Growing
If you are apart from your soul mate it feels like torture within to wait for you to reunite. You may or may not. Can you imagine spending every hour of every day waiting for the rose seeds you planted to become a bountiful rose garden? That is the type of torture I am speaking about. If you are together or apart your job is to grow into your highest and best self, not focus solely on the other calling you again or growing at the speed you would prefer.
Each of you came into this life to grow into your own highest and best self.
Your soul mate will trigger this growth far deeper and faster than any other relationship you ever have.
Twin Flames
The reason you “know” how the other is thinking about you is picked up within your internal energy because you do share the energy of one soul.
Just like you can “feel” a gut feeling—it is energy communicated to you to make you aware of the higher guidance you are receiving.
The same is true for soul mates. You can be on the opposite side of the earth and still know and feel your soul mates energy.
Staying Together Forever
Eternal bonds do not always mean eternal togetherness in this lifetime. If this is the case for you when you think of your soul mate, send him or her transparent love and the best wishes for all good from the bottom of your heart without an agenda.
So many soul mates reunite after long and short periods apart because the bond, energy, the bliss can never be denied.
Think of it this way, his issues trigger your growth and your growth triggers him to grow.
A match made in heaven, yes, however living it out in Earth School is one tough job. Yet if you were not capable of such vast growth, and if your soul mate also was not determined to grow into his highest and best self then you would not have reunited at all.
Buy Paperback The Complete Guide to Your Soul Mate Relationship
Excerpt re-printed with permission from the book The Complete Guide to Your Soul Mate Relationship © Copyright 2014 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved Published by The Rose Group (December, 2014) ISBN-13: 978-0990813811.
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Source through Barbara Sherry Rose, PhD
1. What is a “Sacred Relationship”?
2. How does this differ from the relationships we have had in the past?
3. Why is this change taking place?
4. How can I change my perspective to adjust to this new paradigm?
5. What will happen if I make this adjustment?
6. How are the roles between men and women changing now on the Spiritual level?
THE ANSWERS
1. What is a “Sacred Relationship”?
A Sacred Relationship is one where all of the encoding on the cellular level from the eons of conditioning among humanity are now evolving to “catch up” to your spiritual evolution.
What this means is that the roles men and women have played are now coming up to the Light to be “re-adjusted” and awakened on all levels.
This is a time of great transition, as the old and outmoded ways of belief and actions are consciously replaced with a spiritual harmony, respect, and gender neutral preferences. What I mean by “gender neutral preferences” is that you are to view each other as pure spiritual beings, without all of the games and programming that have not served you well in the history of humanity.
This is a time where “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” plays its greatest role.
There will be more of a shared sense of purpose, a shared spiritual service in whatever form of service you chose to come into this life to express, however, in this new relationship paradigm or view, you will no longer have a “war between the sexes” but will honor each other as equal spiritual beings.
The games of old no longer work, and quite frankly, the reason why they never worked was because many of your societies and cultures have conditioned you to react and respond, rather than be and be pure, transparent, and genuine with all of your intentions.
So in this new relationship view on Earth, you can have more open telepathic communication, more of a “knowing” that does not need words to be expressed, and more of a spiritual intimacy that transcends the purely physical intimacy, however, physical intimacy will continue to be as delightful and pleasurable, even more so as you share purely.
2. How does this differ from the relationships we have had in the past?
Typically, chaos and discord seem to precede newfound clarity and resolution. So you might see an increase in the divorce rate, as you outgrow the one you may be with, while you are aligning with your Higher purpose, and your partner does not support your spiritual growth.
Many of the relationships you have had in the past seemed to require “vows” – forever. In this new view, the relationships will allow for personal freedom on all levels. “Faithfulness” will come from one’s genuine heartfelt desire to be with you, rather than a legally imposed order – that as you may surmise, has not really worked in your societies anyway.
As you and your partners awaken on all levels, you will not be able to keep secrets from each other, because you will literally be able to read the other person’s mind.
So there will be a special level of intimacy that will be experienced as your genuine desires are both known, and respected.
During this transition, it is imperative that you learn how to verbally communicate anything that you may feel, so that it can be cleared up immediately.
Another area will be sexual preferences and desires. Certainly sex will continue to be most pleasurable, however, you may not feel the “need” for as much physical sex, however, when you DO have sex, it will be a sacred and spiritual merge, and quite powerful to say the least. The “power” will come from its purity. The passion will erupt, and you will engage in sacred sexuality that transcends they now typical “one night (empty) stand.”
Know that it will be and feel far more powerful and real than what has previously been the norm with respect to your experiences, which will make it that much more delightful. However, in some cases, you may not feel this “need” to merge on this more physical level, but when you desire to do so, expect it to be more powerful.
3. Why is this change taking place?
Because you are awakening to your spiritual nature, and as a result your physical experiences will evolve and awaken along with your spiritual experiences.
Once you grow and awaken on a certain level, you really cannot go backwards in your evolution or awakening.
All is motivated by pure love.
Being that your essence is pure love, you (as humanity) are awakening to your highest expression of Self, and are more consciously becoming one with Divine Source, so naturally as you become more conscious or awakened, your physical life, and relationships are naturally going to follow suit.
This is a positive awakening, and you did choose to come into this world of form to awaken on all levels, to know that you are not, nor could you ever be separated from Divine Source, so you will begin to experience more of a pure, unconditional love for all, equally, and transcend the view that “your partner” is more “special” than any other spiritual being.
As you awaken to this fact, ALL of your relationships become sacred, because you are all One.
4. How can I change my perspective to adjust to this new paradigm?
View every single being as if you are viewing yourself. Make no separation between “you” and “them” because there is no separation that is all within the erroneous thought system stemming from ego.
So as you act towards another, first before any action, or non-action, ask yourself just one question: Would I like it if this person behaved this way towards me?”
That is the ONLY question that you need to ask yourself, and this will spare you from much unnecessary discord, confusion, and it will certainly spare you from most of the pain you go through in the outmoded views that have been lodged within your cellular memory that you have carried over from lifetime to lifetime.
If you can remember to simply view each person, as if it were YOU, then you will adjust to this new paradigm, and you will find much more inner peace and joy with respect to all of your relations, with every sacred spiritual being on Earth.
5. What will happen if I make this adjustment?
You will come to know an inner and outer peace that you may have never experienced before. You will feel a sacred connection to all people, and will feel the oneness that you share with all of humanity, as you may have felt this shared sense of “oneness” with just one “special” person.
Now, you will feel this interaction with all people, and it will bring you a great deal of joy with respect to how you both relate to, and are treated by others.
Please realize that all “others” are truly a part of you.
It may take many to adjust to this new view, however, this is the next step into awakening to your Divine heritage while still in a physical life.
In truth, you are all One, so now you can play this out on the physical level, and marvel at the results that come from Love on every level of your life.
6. How are the roles between men and women changing now on the Spiritual level?
They are becoming more of a shared spiritual experience. They are beginning to be perceived as spiritual humanity, rather than “man and woman.”
This is the truth, and as all truth is eternal, you will come to find that as your views begin to evolve and awaken, the “war between the sexes” will cease.
You will look for common ground in your spiritual heritage, that will carry much more meaning than motives based on physical means to the ego’s trap of a perceived victory or end.
So you will slowly adjust and actually LOVE the awakened way much more so than they ways of old that were created by your egos.
As a result, you will feel much more inner peace, and the confusion that used to prevail in relationships will be transformed to a spiritual sacred shared experience, which will help you to experience the bliss and joy of Home, that is within your soul memory.
You will begin to feel “at home” again while in your physical life, and that feeling is one of PURE BLISS, heart-centered Joy, and Divine Love that will permeate every level of your life.
So as you awaken to this level, naturally the roles between men and women will transform to match your new awakening, and what a Joy that will be for you, and for all of humanity!
© Copyright 2005, 2014 by Barbara Sherry Rose, PhD, All Rights Reserved.
Exclusive excerpt from the book Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth, and Your Life By Barbara Rose, PhD
To be there, to love, what is the price? What will it cost you to receive all you are entitled to? To be in a relationship, there is a payment that must be made if you wish to receive all you desire from the other.
If your payment is fear, withholding your true feelings, holding back, allowing fear to block the flow of truth, then you receive loneliness and validate your own lack of self-worth. This validation only breeds further feelings of alienation;
you do not experience all the rich joy you can receive when your payment is genuine truth.
To share your truth is perhaps one of the scariest feelings that exists between lovers and romantic friends today.
When you take the risk to bear your soul, expose the real you, and reveal your genuine feelings, you become vulnerable; you may be afraid that your open heart will be pierced by another.
But there is another dynamic you may wish to consider and experiment with, a tiny bit at a time.
Risk exposing your feelings.
Take a tiny risk, just as a baby takes a tiny risk with his first steps. Yes, your fears may cause you to stumble, to close your heart again. But if you are with a person you truly love, and you take a baby step to expose your truth, then you can see the reaction. Then you can see how you will be treated as you risk sharing the genuine feelings you hold inside.
If you are with a person you truly love, and you do take tiny steps to share your genuine feelings, you will find that you are rewarded with love, acceptance, and appreciation in return. Then take another step, take an action, do something special together, and watch, feel, and be amazed at the new joy you will discover.
As you take tiny steps, first with vision and will, then with action, you will find the rewards are akin to those of a baby learning to walk: “Wow, I can do it!” The baby thinks, “I will do this again!”
After many attempts of risking to share genuine love and true feelings, you will find that you stumble back into old patterns far less than you did before.
And you walk beside the one you love more easily. And soon you may want to run together – to dare to go all the way, to run, and laugh, and experience the true freedom and joy of sharing your true self, your true and honest feelings with the one person who has truly been there for you through all your past stumblings.
When you find this with another, you have found real love. You have found one with whom you can share your deepest fears, your greatest insecurities, your biggest mistakes, and still be loved and appreciated for all of who you are.
When you find such a person in your life, you must know there is a reason for this to have happened to you. You may choose to take a deeper look beyond the simple romantic or friendly attraction and realize that perhaps there are greater reasons, higher reasons for your finding one another.
Perhaps you are to do something together. Perhaps you are to truly be there by each other’s side, a hand to hold, arms to hug, love to feel, fun to share, friendship to grow, trust to bloom, and memories to create that you can treasure together for your life.
There have been many people who have turned their backs to the love they have found, and in each case, those people have never forgotten, nor have they ever been able to replace their true match with another. They live with regret. They live with a heart longing for the joy and beauty they once had but were too afraid to embrace fully; they turned their backs on the one they truly loved, and never found such a true love again.
Love, pure love, honest and
genuine love, does not die.
You can travel to every corner of the globe. You can watch the seasons pass. But no matter how far you travel or how many years have gone by since you held the one you love in your arms, your heart, your soul will never forget this one person.
You may also find that the one who brings out your greatest growth, who makes you see all of the areas that need healing is precisely the person you may find yourself wanting to run away from. Who wants to face all of that hurt? If that happens, be wise enough to ask yourself, “Isn’t that why we have true relationships, to genuinely become the best we can be?” And how can we become our best when we ignore or run away from those areas we need to heal? We cannot.
So the one who causes you great frustration is also the one who ultimately brings you the greatest joy: the discovery of the genuine you.
Once you do grow through the challenges, the rewards of such a deep and genuine understanding between two people could never be replaced by a shallow, superficial relationship. Love is a gift, and appreciation for this gift must be shown.
There is the saying, “Hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me.” This universe will send you a gift of love, a true match, once. If you choose to throw this gift away, if you do not show appreciation for it, you can be certain this universe will not be foolish enough to give you a gift so rare and so special again in this life.
You must know that when a person treasures you, when he or she sees through to the core of you and accepts you fully, with all of your faults, you have been blessed.
Now, if you love this person, if you truly do, deep inside, love this person, then give yourself this gift of love, cherish and treasure the gift you have received, for if you do not, you shall not ever know such a gift again in this life.
You will know deep down in your heart when all of the elements are there. You will feel so at peace and, at the same time, so challenged – challenged to grow, challenged to evolve and lift yourself above and beyond your fears of intimacy.
This work on self is required in order to continue experiencing the gift of this love in your life.
Debilitating fears of closeness or of opening one’s heart are also patterns that must be recognized and worked through. So ask yourself, “How can I notice when those old feelings come up?”
Become conscious of them. If you remain on automatic pilot, you will automatically sabotage the relationship.
Fear of being hurt or vulnerable is understandable and quite common. When left unnoticed, unchecked, and unattended to, however, it is also the source of pain. How do you attend to your fears? You simply acknowledge their existence.
You say, “Oh look, this is what I have been feeling, this is what happens to me. Do I want this feeling or pattern to take charge, or do I prefer something different?”
It comes down to a preference, an individual choice not to react but to consciously decide how you are going to respond when you notice your fears coming to the surface. Once you become fully conscious of them, their paralyzing effect dwindles;
instead of feeling smothered by an avalanche, you feel the slight sting of a pebble. Awareness of an old pattern greatly reduces its effects on you.
There is always a period of tremendous anxiety when old fears come to the surface. Realize, however, that this anxiety does, in fact, pass. It is a feeling. Feelings flow. One feeling, no matter how horrible or anxiety provoking, does not last forever.
So once you notice the anxiety coming to the surface, you become the one in charge. You are no longer run by old tapes that do not help you experience all you prefer to experience now.
Those old tapes may have served you in the past, protecting you from pain from a certain person. But now that you have found someone else, someone special, those old tapes can only be destructive.
If you become aware of your feelings and allow the anxiety to pass by sharing what you think and how you feel, then you no longer risk losing a person you may not ever be able to replace.
This is far better than allowing old, self-protective patterns that are in your comfort zone to destroy your opportunity for genuine love and genuine healing. Would you rather lose true love because it feels uncomfortable? Is that what you want?
Look around you. Think of all the people you have dated. Think of how many years you have gone without this one very special person. Do you want to lose this gift simply because it is scary for you to take personal responsibility and notice your feelings as they surface?
You do not have to be perfect. You cannot be perfect. But if you decide to take charge of an old pattern and act to heal your inner self, you will find that the one you love will not leave your side.
© Copyright 2001,2003,2014 by Barbara Rose, All Rights Reserved. Excerpt re-printed with permission from the book Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life Published by The Rose Group (2003) ISBN: 097414570X.
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