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What a Soul Mate Relationship is REALLY all about

…the expectations of the relationship, stemming from the ego or personality level, are going to trigger the ego responses of your soul mate, and this is where the resistance begins…

Individual Power

By Barbara Rose, PhD

OK – let’s get down to the myths and facts about what a soul mate relationship is REALLY all about to clear up what society has created… an illusion of rainbows and ice cream without a care in the world. That is the myth.

The other myth is, that your soul mate is the only person on the planet that you can be happy with. First, we are all spiritual and human beings. On the spiritual level, when soul mates meet, there is that instant “knowing” or familiarity, and there is a feeling of Heaven on Earth.

This is the soul’s remembrance of the love and the bond you shared from past lives, and the bond of love is eternal, so naturally you will feel as if you are picking up from where you left off, because you really are.

Now, once you meet and go through this initial stage of bliss, then the ego, on the personality level, feels as if you are “complete” now that you have your soul mate in your life. What is happening at this point is that the expectations of the relationship, stemming from the ego or personality level, are going to trigger the ego responses of your soul mate, and this is where the resistance begins… the disappointments, the feelings of doubt… yet the love is still very powerful and strong.

The reason why you met in this life is to heal old karmic patterns on a soul level, where parts of your personality need to be healed, and so on a soul level you and your soul mate will trigger and bring to the surface, all that you each came into this life to heal.

This is a most difficult process, one filled with pain and turmoil, as you each begin to see the issues the other person has to heal, and then on the personality level you begin to blame, or wish they could change.

You see their highest and best from the beginning, and they show their vast potential, yet at the same time, they are showing all of their weaknesses and split apart levels of Self that need to be healed, and integrated into wholeness… and the same is true for you.

Every issue, on a deep core soul level, that you came into this life to heal, will be triggered by your soul mate. Let me tell you that this is a grueling process, as we have to face our own areas of lack of self worth and heal them.

It all comes down to Self Love… because as you truly love Self, then many of the expectations of the other are released, then there is another component of the soul mate relationship where each of you must grow and heal.

Spiritual law forbids that soul mates remain together if one is not healing. For example, if one of you is there no matter what, and the other cannot be there, like a dear friend would be, you would hopefully grow with enough self love to understand that the other person is growing and doing their best with their current level of growth, and at the same time, you do deserve someone in your life who can, reciprocate in a healthy and loving manner.

This is why many soul mates do not spend the rest of their lives together. Although the love and care never die, each one has to take full responsibility to become their highest and best, and it is your soul mate who will get you to see the areas that are in the most need of healing.

As far as the reasons for why more highly evolved soul mates come together, it is to make a contribution for the betterment of any level of life on Earth. Soul mates who have grown through their challenges on the personal level, are then ready to contribute their highest and best,  as well as their authentic life purpose. This is the joy of the soul mate union.

Now, if you are “looking for your soul mate”, I can tell you that what you are looking for, is for all of your deep rooted issues to be brought to Light to be healed and resolved. This will take just about everything you’ve got inside, to heal, become whole and fully integrated on the personality level, and the soul level. This is a vastly difficult process.

Now if you have met your soul mate, and you are going through difficulty, this is where it is vital for you to turn the focus onto your areas that need to be healed, rather than focus on the other, because they are your mirror to come to inner and outer wholeness.

So when you say: “I wish he/she could be there for me more”, replace their name and put “I” instead, “I wish I could be there for me more.” This is the mirror reflection of the “soul level” issue that is crying out for healing.

It is so easy to see the other person’s issue, and it is a big blast to our ego to turn the spotlight onto our own selves. So the myth is that this union is a land of perfection and sunshine.

Please remember, that your soul mate is also in this life, in Earth school, to heal and grow, just like you are, just like we all are. And to place tremendous expectations on the other person, is fulfilling ego desire and attachment… it is not self healing.

We have to view both ourselves, and the other, with tremendous compassion and unconditional understanding. We have to release all judgment and criticism, both for them, and especially for ourselves.

Now, many soul mates do come together, and can break up, do some healing, and return again and again. This is quite common because the love never dies. What is happening here is that during the times apart, each person is doing their own self reflection and growth to become the highest and best you came into this life to be.

So after some time apart, we get to see how we could have done a better job, we are growing, so then you will find you may come back together again. We can’t continue the pain of wishing it “could” be a different way… this keeps us, our ego, and our personality in a prison of inner turmoil. We have to accept the person as they are now.

Here is another analogy for you. If someone is sick, and they sneeze, would you get all upset and take it personally? No of course not.

So it is the same when your ego and personality “react” to what they do or say out of expectation, rather than out of loving compassion and understanding. Each one is doing his and her own best, so do not take it into the core of your being (like I used to), and let it throw you into turmoil.

The more self love you gain the more compassion and understanding you will be able to give… Also, you really have to trust that sometimes soul mates are meant to stay together, after a long period of healing.

Other soul mate relationships must end, because one or both refuse to heal. The bond and the love are the deepest you will ever experience, and the personal growth and transformation will be the deepest of any relationship you have.

However, it can be a real rocky road, filled with tears and pain as you each struggle to grow into wholeness, which is the purpose of the soul mate relationship. We came into this life to grow, not stagnate. After we have healed our core issues, we can have much more of that bliss like you did in the beginning. This is why it is so important to focus on the issues your ego and expectations you are holding on to, so that you can grow, heal, and experience this bliss of Self Love, with zero ego attachment.

Once you reach this stage (It took me 4 years), then you will be free from pain. The ego gives way when we come into wholeness, and then we are free. We are also loving and compassionate towards our soul mate. If you are together or not, there is more understanding because the old ego needs are gone.

© Copyright 2012 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved.

Barnes & Noble

By Barbara Rose, PhD| Bestselling Author 33 Books| Higher Self Relationship & Life Transformation Expert| SAG-AFTRA

Bestselling Author of 33 Books| Global Higher Self Relationship & Life Transformation Expert| Public Speaker| Actor SAG-AFTRA

13 replies on “What a Soul Mate Relationship is REALLY all about”

Hello there, just became aware of your blog through Google, and found that it’s really informative. I’m gonna watch out for brussels. I’ll be grateful if you continue this in future. Lots of people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!


Hi Dear One,
If your romantic relationships have been challenging, if you’re not sure where you stand, & are getting mixed signals then I cordially invite you to my Facebook Closed Group Stop Being the String Along – Be THE ONE at this link:

It’s filled with support, answers to your deeply personal questions and inspiration on how to be authentically empowered in your relationships. I look forward to seeing you there!

From my heart,
Barbara Rose, PhD



Not sure how I ended up here but reading all that is here. I’m trying to come away from a 9 year relationship with who I believe is my soulmate. We have been back and fourth to many times to count, due to his inability to commit. He is younger then me so I tried to understand for years. After a year and a half of personal counseling I had to go no contact with him because of the damage it has caused, but there is always a deep deep longing for him down deep and I just can’t seem to move forward. He just gave up trying to contact me after 4 straight months of trying and I again ache for him and believe I always will. My therapist believes him to have NPD and there is nothing I can do for him.


This is more helpful than you can possibly know. thank you.
Me and my soul mate have had a rocky 7 years. we haven’t been together for 2 but keep coming back together and then sht hits the fan. we have to separate again and every time this happens i think logically we cant work but i cant help but love him unconditionally. I’m worried that if he doesn’t heal that we cant be together. he confuses me and infuriates me and I’m pretty sure i do the same thing to him (and he confuses it for trust).. hes scared and has hit rock bottom, and i cant do anything about it. he wants to work things out on his own and I’m pretty sure he needs to too. i have to tear myself away, concentrate on me but man its hard. i miss him. and i don’t know if we’ll survive it. i should believe in him and a higher power for this but its hard to tear my worries away. because i probably need to detach myself for anything to work and to feel better..anyways. it helps to be able to understand more (wish i could explain to him in a spiritual sense but we don’t talk like that anymore)


Dear Jasmine,

Thank you for your kindness in letting me know that this book excerpt helped you! That means so much to me. You are correct, focus on yourself and your life purpose. This will greatly help you whenever you feel upset. Another thing you may want to do is check out the book If God Hears Me, I Want an Answer! as this process of receiving higher answers any time you feel upset is beyond a life saver. When you receive the higher perspective, suddenly the inner turmoil is transformed within minutes. I stake my life on this process and so do thousands of other people across the globe.

I hope to continue to be of the most positive service to you!

With much love,


Barbara, please email me.
I’ve commented a few times on your site.

I am married to a wonderful man who I have felt very happy with for nearly a decade. He has all of those 50 reasons to stay things you listed in another article. And I have always felt that he was a soul mate because he is so wonderfully kind and we respect and like one another, and we laugh and plan together. and he is great. BUT I have not found us having this type of healing you talk about in this article. … I think I know a little about what you are talking about though, because I have known someone who did bring out those things. Unfortunately, I don’t know if it was just “attachment hunger” triggered by something unconscious, and/or if it was his Avoidant Attachment style (that I suspect he may have?). Either way, this other individual actually had a number of things from your article 50 reasons to leave skid marks. eek. … Ugh. I would love to talk to you…


I think your suggestion would be helpful for me. I will let you know if its work for me too. Thank you for sharing this beautiful articles. thanks a lot […]


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