The Perfection Fallacy

By Barbara Rose, PhD

One thing is certain:

When two people love, love truly, love deeply,

they will make mistakes.

They will walk and then stumble. They will walk in love

and stumble from fear. But you can be certain that as long as

you get up and decide to walk again, the one you love will always

be there for you, after you stumble, after you decide to

walk again.

You cannot ever lose a true love when you make mistakes,

when you stumble, when you temporarily return to some old

pattern you are seeking to replace with healthier new ones.

So go ahead: walk, stumble, and look up. You will see the

one who truly loves you is still there, waiting to walk beside

you again, so you may one day run in laughter and pleasure

together.

It is a complete fallacy to believe

that perfect love means perfection.

Here is the truth:

Perfect love means growing from and learning from imperfection,

recognizing your mistakes, and becoming your

best. This is what relationships are all about:

Sharing your life with the one you love,

the one who loves you in spite of your mistakes,

the one who expects you to grow and learn,

stumble, and walk again, by their side.

We grow in love and in relationships through our mistakes.

We do not grow in isolation or in theory.

We grow from hard experience: making mistakes, hurting,

regretting, crying, realizing, making new choices, healing,

and showing our new growth. We can do that only in

relationships. They are sacred ground because of their astounding

effects on our personal growth.

You will discover that the word “forgiveness” is the balm

that soothes the scrapes after you stumble with every mistake

you make.

“Forgive” means “to you, for you, I give my love, no matter

how many times you may stumble.”

That love is the gift for you, given for you when you

risk

taking personal responsibility to acknowledge your mistakes,

your fears, and your failure to live up to your very best.

Mistakes are most commonly made when your fear of

opening your true heart becomes stronger than your need

to share your love. Or when you try so hard to get love from

another and you behave in such a needy, clingy fashion that

you drive the other away – because you have not yet learned

how to genuinely give love to yourself.

So, what happens? You lose the one you love, you throw or

push him away. But, because true love never dies, you realize

your loss; and the pain and the regret you feel swells up inside

of you casting out fear, replacing it with the truth of your love.

Now you want your love back, so you are ready to show your

true feelings; you are willing to show the real, empowered you.

That is why so many love songs are written about wanting

your real love back, about being reunited with your true love.

Real love cannot ever die. It certainly cannot be killed by space,

time, distance, or fear. It also cannot die when you stumble.

So as your desire for your true love swells up inside, you

want your love back. This is a dangerous game to play. Sometimes

your love will reunite with you, forgive you, and be

there for you, but there is a limit. There is a limit to how much

one is willing to go back to the old ways. So if you don’t work

hard to replace old patterns with new ones, you risk losing

this real love forever.

There is only one way to avoid that loss: Grow. Learn from

your past errors. Learn and grow beyond the restrictions of

ego and beyond the doubts of self-worth. Give to your self,

give for you! And as you do this, the other will forgive you.

Give, and you shall receive.

If your love is pure, if your lessons have been acknowledged,

if your efforts are moving in a healthy direction, you

will be forgiven of your past mistakes.

Why would people waste the gift of their love on others

who do not have enough self-regard to give growth to

themselves?

Would you give people diamonds if every time they took

them they flushed them down the toilet?

How many times would you keep reaching deep within

to bring forth the diamonds of your heart and soul to give

them to a person who flushes your gifts down the toilet?

So, my friend, if you have been stumbling, I do suggest

you acknowledge this to yourself, first. And if you have

found diamonds in one person on this Earth who you know

truly loves you, then I do suggest you get up and do your best

to walk again. Walk over to this person, and hold them. Give

them a hug and say, “Thank you for being here for me.” Say,

“I am going to do my best, even if it is just a baby step at a

time; I am going to do my best so I can have the best person

for me in my life as my friend, as my lover. And that person is

you.” Do and say that if you have been withholding love.

But if you have been pouring a reservoir of love on to another,

then you shine for you. Indulge in your life, your

goals, your own worth, and your achievements, and dare to

show how you don’t need anymore. But it is a gift for another

to enjoy your company. A pure gift – not in a cocky or

conceited way but in a glowing way, a way glowing with

self-love, self-respect, self-validation, and sheer joy.

Do you think you could ever lose with this approach?

For when someone truly loves you, they know that they

too have stumbled in the past, they too were once filled with

regret from making mistakes, and they too came to you and

acknowledged where they went wrong. And you forgave

them and walked hand in hand.

So go, walk, stumble, learn, apologize, forgive, and treasure

the love you have found. Don’t let it go. Don’t grow old

with regret as your companion. Risk opening your heart,

risk shining from within, and the love and inner peace you

find will forever soothe your soul.

© Copyright by Barbara Rose, All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life. Published by The Rose Group (2003) ISBN: 097414570X.

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