The Perfection Fallacy
By Barbara Rose, PhD
One thing is certain:
When two people love, love truly, love deeply,
they will make mistakes.
They will walk and then stumble. They will walk in love
and stumble from fear. But you can be certain that as long as
you get up and decide to walk again, the one you love will always
be there for you, after you stumble, after you decide to
You cannot ever lose a true love when you make mistakes,
when you stumble, when you temporarily return to some old
pattern you are seeking to replace with healthier new ones.
So go ahead: walk, stumble, and look up. You will see the
one who truly loves you is still there, waiting to walk beside
you again, so you may one day run in laughter and pleasure
It is a complete fallacy to believe
that perfect love means perfection.
Here is the truth:
Perfect love means growing from and learning from imperfection,
recognizing your mistakes, and becoming your
best. This is what relationships are all about:
Sharing your life with the one you love,
the one who loves you in spite of your mistakes,
the one who expects you to grow and learn,
stumble, and walk again, by their side.
We grow in love and in relationships through our mistakes.
We do not grow in isolation or in theory.
We grow from hard experience: making mistakes, hurting,
regretting, crying, realizing, making new choices, healing,
and showing our new growth. We can do that only in
relationships. They are sacred ground because of their astounding
effects on our personal growth.
You will discover that the word “forgiveness” is the balm
that soothes the scrapes after you stumble with every mistake
“Forgive” means “to you, for you, I give my love, no matter
how many times you may stumble.”
That love is the gift for you, given for you when you
taking personal responsibility to acknowledge your mistakes,
your fears, and your failure to live up to your very best.
Mistakes are most commonly made when your fear of
opening your true heart becomes stronger than your need
to share your love. Or when you try so hard to get love from
another and you behave in such a needy, clingy fashion that
you drive the other away – because you have not yet learned
how to genuinely give love to yourself.
So, what happens? You lose the one you love, you throw or
push him away. But, because true love never dies, you realize
your loss; and the pain and the regret you feel swells up inside
of you casting out fear, replacing it with the truth of your love.
Now you want your love back, so you are ready to show your
true feelings; you are willing to show the real, empowered you.
That is why so many love songs are written about wanting
your real love back, about being reunited with your true love.
Real love cannot ever die. It certainly cannot be killed by space,
time, distance, or fear. It also cannot die when you stumble.
So as your desire for your true love swells up inside, you
want your love back. This is a dangerous game to play. Sometimes
your love will reunite with you, forgive you, and be
there for you, but there is a limit. There is a limit to how much
one is willing to go back to the old ways. So if you don’t work
hard to replace old patterns with new ones, you risk losing
this real love forever.
There is only one way to avoid that loss: Grow. Learn from
your past errors. Learn and grow beyond the restrictions of
ego and beyond the doubts of self-worth. Give to your self,
give for you! And as you do this, the other will forgive you.
Give, and you shall receive.
If your love is pure, if your lessons have been acknowledged,
if your efforts are moving in a healthy direction, you
will be forgiven of your past mistakes.
Why would people waste the gift of their love on others
who do not have enough self-regard to give growth to
Would you give people diamonds if every time they took
them they flushed them down the toilet?
How many times would you keep reaching deep within
to bring forth the diamonds of your heart and soul to give
them to a person who flushes your gifts down the toilet?
So, my friend, if you have been stumbling, I do suggest
you acknowledge this to yourself, first. And if you have
found diamonds in one person on this Earth who you know
truly loves you, then I do suggest you get up and do your best
to walk again. Walk over to this person, and hold them. Give
them a hug and say, “Thank you for being here for me.” Say,
“I am going to do my best, even if it is just a baby step at a
time; I am going to do my best so I can have the best person
for me in my life as my friend, as my lover. And that person is
you.” Do and say that if you have been withholding love.
But if you have been pouring a reservoir of love on to another,
then you shine for you. Indulge in your life, your
goals, your own worth, and your achievements, and dare to
show how you don’t need anymore. But it is a gift for another
to enjoy your company. A pure gift – not in a cocky or
conceited way but in a glowing way, a way glowing with
self-love, self-respect, self-validation, and sheer joy.
Do you think you could ever lose with this approach?
For when someone truly loves you, they know that they
too have stumbled in the past, they too were once filled with
regret from making mistakes, and they too came to you and
acknowledged where they went wrong. And you forgave
them and walked hand in hand.
So go, walk, stumble, learn, apologize, forgive, and treasure
the love you have found. Don’t let it go. Don’t grow old
with regret as your companion. Risk opening your heart,
risk shining from within, and the love and inner peace you
find will forever soothe your soul.
© Copyright by Barbara Rose, All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life. Published by The Rose Group (2003) ISBN: 097414570X.