Ultimately, you want a partner you can be your true self with, a partner who will treat you with love and respect.
The subconscious social conditioning we receive to get or capture another causes us to fail and to string ourselves along, while we simultaneously hide our real selves. This robs both people equally of the opportunity to get to know, love, and care for each other, while maintaining a solid sense of self.
It does not matter if you are male or female, nor does it matter what your sexual preferences are. The only thing that matters is that you view yourself and the other person as fully equal human beings.
This means that your preferences and standards are equally as important as the other person’s. As a result, they are equally respected.
This means that compromising your integrity or the other person’s integrity is not an option.
Games and manipulation are not an option. Do you like it when someone plays games and tries to manipulate you? Of course not. Therefore, trying to manipulate the other person must never even be considered.
Equals do not engage in a power play. There must be mutual respect. You must care enough about the other person’s feelings to dare to be honest; and you must be honest even if you feel scared or fear that stating your truth might be hurtful to the other, as long as your motive is pure and comes from your heart.
It is the heart center within each person that ties us all together. Both men and women have feelings, and those feelings deserve to be honored at the expense of no one.
Being Who You Are and True to Yourself
In a relationship, being The One means being who you are, and sharing yourself honestly and genuinely with the other person.
This honesty requires the courage to speak your truth, even if you fear rejection. It means that you stop holding back out of fear and start expressing your feelings kindly and graciously. What matters most is that you express your truth. Holding back your truth out of fear robs you of the ability to share your true self with the other, and it robs the other person of the opportunity to really know who you are, how you feel, what you think, and what you want.
Stifling your truth causes the relationship to break down. It causes the relationship to stagnate or slowly deteriorate. At all stages of a relationship, from the first meeting through decades of being together, sharing your truth will never hurt you. Withholding your truth, however, will always hurt both you and the relationship.
When you share your interests, talents, essence, and life purpose with the other person, he receives the gift of getting to know the incredible being that you are. You must find the courage to show your authentic self; you must risk daring to be the real you.
If you fear loss, ultimately you lose your sense of self. Once you lose your self-worth, you begin to slowly deteriorate. Then, sadly, the relationship naturally follows that same downward spiral. On the flip side, taking a risk to share your genuine feelings, thoughts, and preferences will bring authentic truth into the relationship, and you can both thrive. But if you are not suited for each other, then it is better to part rather than string yourself or the other person along out of any sort of fear.
Don’t you want to know the truth about what the other person feels and thinks? Well, the other person deserves to know the same about you.
If you receive a phone call, do not act indifferent, as if you just received a call from a telemarketer. If you are happy to hear from him or her, simply say, “I’m happy to hear from you” or “It’s good to hear from you.” Say the truth. People want to be liked and appreciated; they don’t want to be treated like yesterday’s newspaper.
If the other person says or does something that you really do not like, say, “When you said that, I felt hurt” or “When you did that, I felt rejected, and it would be so great if you would have done this instead.”
If you let the person know, in the moment, when he does or says something that upsets you, you will simply communicate your truth graciously and, at the same time, let him know what you would prefer instead. You don’t need to create a dramatic scene. Simply and calmly state your truth, and show your respect for the other person by letting him know what you would prefer, rather than expecting him to read your mind.
Only you can read your mind. You must communicate clearly so that you can have clarity rather than ambiguity within the relationship. If you’re walking on eggshells, promptly stand in your truth and muster up the courage to be real enough to state what is on your mind. This will open the door to clear communication. If the person genuinely wants to be with you, your authenticity will only help by giving him the opportunity to open up and be authentic with you in return.
If your truth leads to a breakup, wouldn’t you rather have someone in your life who really wants to be with you? Do you really prefer to walk on eggshells, putting up with words and behaviors that are far less than what you deserve?
This is your choice. You can choose to string yourself or the other along, but in the end, this choice only diminishes your self-esteem.
The greatest way to enhance your self-esteem is to be true to yourself on all levels of your life. This will naturally be reflected in how truthful you are with the other person. Whether you stay together or not, at least your relationship will be authentic. It’s always much better to go with the truth in your heart and soul. You can never go wrong with the truth.
Taking the Games Out of Relationships
People don’t want to be with others who are pining away for them, willing to sacrifice their truth, integrity, and self-esteem just to go along out of fear of rocking the boat or losing the relationship. Nobody truly wants a doormat.
Neither the person who gets stomped on nor the person who does the stomping enjoys a fulfilling, rewarding relationship that contributes great joy to life.
Nobody wins in a string along relationship. Everybody wins when you are both equally The One.
To attract, thrive, and share a life with The One, to grow together, you have to be The One at all times, with zero games.
Being The One means you do not settle. You refuse to settle because you know your worth. You refuse to manipulate just to get what you want by deception of any kind; you have too much integrity to lower yourself by playing manipulation games. You have too much self-love to sacrifice your truth. You have too much self-honesty to keep quiet out of fear. You care too much for the other as an equal member of the human race to even consider asking him to sacrifice his truth just to please you.
If there are difficulties in the relationship, you must sit down together and share from your hearts everything that is upsetting to you, with each person receiving equal time on center stage to share his feelings, and with a shared desire to come to a mutually agreeable solution.
If you have tried many times to work it out, and you genuinely feel that there is no relationship left that resembles the kind you really desire and deserve, then peacefully walk out of the relationship. Then you can both attract new partners who you can have a mutually satisfying relationship with.
The One doesn’t even consider manipulative games or sacrificing self-truth to appease the other, and doesn’t keep the status quo out of a martyred sense of self-denial.
View yourself and the other person purely as equal members of the human race. Have a life or create a life that you are passionate about so that you can share who you really are with the other.
Show your real feelings. State your real feelings. If you’re not sure of your real feelings, simply say so. If you feel scared, it’s okay to say that. This openness creates a platform for authentic intimacy, in which it is safe to share your truth. The other person might very well react with relief because you have the courage to be real instead of hiding behind a façade, pretending to be what you think you’re supposed to be in order to gain approval.
The only approval and validation you ever need can come only from within you. Far too many people tiptoe around learned cultural rules and regulations to “capture” the other person. How about being the real you so that the other person has an opportunity to get to know who you are and what you’re all about.
You don’t have to go overboard to prove how lovable and incredible you are. The key to taking the games out of relationships is to stop playing head games with yourself, trying to figure out how you can “get” or “keep” the other person. The key is in getting and keeping your own life, and seeing the other person as a part of your life rather than your central focus. Don’t just pretend to be busy–be passionately absorbed in your life! Don’t just say you’re not available; be available when you can be, but honor the other priorities in your life. Waiting by the phone is not a priority.
If you focus on the other person as the be-all and end-all of your life purpose, then do yourself a big favor: take that focus and place it on becoming your best self and on contributing your best to this world. Then, when you are genuinely available to see the other person, see him and have a blast. If you feel like sending flowers, send them. If you’re in a relationship and you both want it to thrive, it’s okay for a woman to do something kind for a guy, and vice versa, as long as kindness is reciprocated. The relationship must be equal on all levels. If it’s not, why are you still in it? If you’re being taken for granted, leave. If you’re being treated the way you have always wanted to be treated, then treat the other person the same way. Take the male-female games out of the equation. Games may work for a short time, but they never make for a healthy, authentic relationship. In the end, games don’t work.
If you think you have to put on an act or cover up your true self, then it’s time to ask yourself what you are so afraid of. Usually the answer is that you’re afraid the real you is not lovable. To counter that, be who you really are.
If you make truth the rule of thumb on all levels, you cannot go wrong. If you need more solitude, simply say so. If you would like to see the other person more, it’s okay to say, “I have such an awesome time with you. It would be great if I could see you more.” Then, trust your instincts about the response you get. If the other person is swamped, then understand. If you’re picking up signals that you sense are nonsense, then honor what your smart intuition is telling you, and get busy with your own life, with zero complaints. Someone can be busy but still call. Someone can be out of town and still send flowers. Someone who really cares shows it. Moreover, when you really care about you, you can show it to yourself by the excitement you put into your own life, and by sharing your activities with the other person when you do get together.
Stop worrying so much if you are “getting it right.” Be your shining self.
Stop worrying if you are going to “mess everything up.” Be honest.
Stop worrying about who should be chasing whom. Share your authentic self.
Stop settling for less than you deserve. State what you prefer.
Stop compromising your integrity. Deal truthfully with the other person on all levels.
Stop wasting your time trying to capture the other person. Let your life purpose capture you.
Stop being the string along. Honor every feeling you have, and dare to be true to you.
© Copyright 2010 by Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved.