High Self Esteem by Barbara Rose, Ph.D.

1. How do I begin to like myself when I’ve had low self worth my whole life?

2. How do I stop cutting myself down and insulting myself?

3. How can I change my self worth when I still get put down by others?

4. How can I be as confident as so many other people?

5. Isn’t it true that if I accomplish something of value I’ll feel better about myself?

6. What do I do when I don’t feel comfortable “being in love” with someone else?

7. How does the “mirror dialogue” really work in raising self esteem?

THE ANSWERS

1. How do I begin to like myself when I’ve had low self worth my whole life?

The first thing you must realize is that you were not born with low self-worth. You were told things by others, and you adopted those beliefs about yourself. So let’s set the record straight here with the fact that you were lied to. If someone put you down, it was all about them and their views and it was not about you at all.

To take this a bit further, let’s say that you created music, and it was great music, but someone didn’t like it, and insulted you about it, that has absolutely nothing to do with YOU, and it has everything to do with the other person’s views.

Barbra Streisand’s mother insulted her about her singing. You may not be a fan of Barbra Streisand, however, I think she has one of the greatest singing voices in the history of recorded music!

Now, to begin to like yourself takes conscious effort. It takes your being aware of all of the tiny insults you say to yourself, when half the time you may not even be aware of it, and to STOP saying anything negative about yourself, period. If you have weight to lose, or you would like to increase your income, these are all outside things that have absolutely NOTHING to do with your inherent worth as a spiritual/human being.

So you separate the outside from the inside. Is someone a “better” person because they are rich and glamorous, and someone else a “lesser” person because they are financially broke and are not that physically attractive? NO!
BOTH people are EQUAL spiritual/human beings, with value. All of the value is on the inside. It’s just getting yourself to believe that you actually have value that takes conscious effort.

So every time you “catch” yourself putting yourself down, or negating a compliment someone tells you, then stop immediately, say “thank you” to the compliment, and replace your self-imposed put down with something more truthful about yourself. It could be that you are kind and compassionate. It could be that you are intelligent. Just replace ANY AND ALL negative comments about Self with something that is based on truth.

Begin to view yourself as an unlimited spiritual being with vast amount of creative power. That creative power exists within your mind and heart. When you begin to align your head and your heart, and follow your truth, without fear, you will begin to feel the “real you” flowing outward, and you will begin to express your truth, no matter what ANYBODY says. Start to express your truth to YOURSELF, and follow what is true for you. You do not owe anyone an explanation with respect to your personal growth and life direction. If you are around nay-sayers, then simply tell them nothing. Only share your process with people that are in your corner, and that are supportive of you.

First and foremost, you have to be in full support of you. Say how you feel. Only allow yourself to be treated with respect and dignity. Dare to walk away from anyone that puts you down, in any manner, because you don’t need them in your life at all!

Really take stock of everything that you really are from the inside out, and then DECIDE how you want your life to look on the outside. You have no limits! Go fully in the direction that your heart and soul are calling you to from deep within. Stop rationalizing, and start BEING who you really are. Once you can begin to live this way, every day of your life, you will find that your self worth will begin to greatly increase.

ONLY follow your TRUTH, and NEVER sacrifice your truth for anyone or anything. This will get you off to a good start!

2. How do I stop cutting myself down and insulting myself?

Become consciously aware of each time you do cut yourself down and insult yourself, and just recognize it in your mind without any judgment. Then, replace it with a more truthful statement based on your QUALITIES from your observable actions, and NOT from the outside in – but solely from the inside out.

Simply make a self-rule that there will be ZERO self insults, period. I made that rule a long time ago. I made it for myself, and for my children. I never once put them down, and I stopped putting myself down years ago.

Self insults are truly self-sabotaging emotional and psychological quicksand. Comparing yourself to others is another waste of time. You can never be someone else, and they can never be all that you are!

If you think that “you aren’t all that great” think again. You ARE all that great, and so is each and every person on Earth. There has to be zero self-judgment. The voice of the critical parent has to be replaced with the inner knowing of Divine Self Truth.

You can be modest, and not boastful. You can also never measure your self worth based on anything outside of yourself.

Begin to really look deep within, and start acknowledging all of your wonderful qualities. Begin to see that caring, generosity, compassion, and honesty are all quite valuable – and they all come from within you. Simply stop all negative self talk, completely, because it will only put you in the self-worth sewer.

If you want high self-esteem, then it begins within your OWN mind. It is how you view yourself, and that view has to be pure. You are still the person you were on the day you were born, before you bought into the bullshit.

Remember that your value is in your heart. Not in your achievements, or your bank account. The difference you make both in your life, and in the lives of others stems solely from your heart. Go there. Find what is good about you from your heart, and every time you catch yourself cutting yourself down, replace it with a truth that is heart centered, because that is what is eternally true about you.

3. How can I change my self worth when I still get put down by others?

First know that your self worth can never be obtained from outside of your own mind. No one can EVER give you self worth, or take it away!

Now, please do not judge the people that are putting you down. They have not grown enough to realize their own self worth, and so they put others down to feel “better.” They are wounded deep within, and are most likely not passionately absorbed in their life purpose, filled with joy from the inside out, regardless of their outer conditions.

I learned to never take a compliment too seriously, and to allow it to inflate my sense of self. In addition, I learned that I can never take an insult too seriously either. It has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the views that are in someone else’s mind, over which I have zero control.

If someone is pointing out an area where you can improve your life, then you can take an objective look at it, and see if you can help yourself from the comment. If someone is downright abusive, them do everything you can to completely remove yourself from that person – permanently, and if you cannot for whatever reason, just view them with compassion.

If they were genuinely happy with themselves, they would find no reason to ever put someone else down – even if their observation was correct. No one has the right to judge another person. Your self view of Self is what matters, and that exists solely within your own mind.

So please do everything you can to bring into your conscious awareness everything that is good and true about you, and don’t take other people’s opinions seriously at all. They are just opinions, and everyone has the right to their own opinion. It may be valid, and it also may be insane. YOU, however, are NOT insane, and you are in this life to value yourself, and to bring that value out into this world by being your highest and best. Never allow the opinions of others to boost you up, or put you down. Just focus on your own self view, and give yourself a great deal of credit for being all that you are from the inside out.

4. How can I be as confident as so many other people?

First, please stop comparing yourself to other people, because when we do that we are not valuing everyone’s inherent spiritual Divinity, as we are all equal. Second, when we compare ourselves to others, somehow we usually end up on the “lower” side of the spectrum.

If other people are radiating supreme confidence, they are usually following their own truth, and really don’t care about what other people think, how other people view them, or what other people say about them! They are living life according to what is true for them on the inside, and that is displayed in supreme confidence on the outside.

So live that way! Be the REAL you! Say and do what is true for you. Bring out your highest and best self at every opportunity. Follow what you really love in life, and live from your heart. There is nothing that can overcome a pure heart. When you are true to yourself, and you are true to others, sharing, expressing, and living your truth – you will feel a great deal of inner confidence, and then you can share “how” YOU are so confident with others!

5. Isn’t it true that if I accomplish something of value I’ll feel better about myself?

If you are going to base your self worth on “accomplishments” then you are NEVER going to feel inner peace, or genuine confidence from the inside out!
You will be chasing one accomplishment after another, and no matter how many mountains you climb, or how many degrees you receive, or how many billions of dollars you have in the back, or how many people you’ve cured, it is NOT about the “accomplishment” – it IS about the PROCESS, and the JOY you feel during the process!

I know many people that have all shared that the certain days and nights of their “accomplishments” (including when my first box of published books was delivered to my door) we actually were NOT happy on those “accomplished” days. We all loved the process of doing it all, but the final moment was not filled with so much joy. Additionally, how can you live your life for one accomplished moment? When you win the Oscar, the next day that moment is behind you. If you are constantly chasing goals to feel worthy, please stop chasing, and really start enjoying every moment of what you are doing! THAT is where they joy is. It is NEVER in the final moment, because that moment passes – even if one moment is fantastic, it still passes. So the key is to really savor each MOMENT of your life – that’s where all of the treasure is – in this NOW MOMENT, and NOT in another point in time.

You will feel much better about yourself when you really start ENJOYING who you are, and each moment of your life. That is when you will begin to feel all that you really are – right now.

6. What do I do when I don’t feel comfortable “being in love” with someone else?

If you don’t feel comfortable “being in love” with someone else, that is because you have not yet fell in love with yourself first!

It is time for you to really take a good hard look inside of your heart, and up-root every untruth you have ever been told, every lie you ever bought into about yourself, and every insult that you have ever called yourself, and replace that with pure self-love, without an outward condition attached to it.

When you can really feel your own value, and you can appreciate all of the good that you really are, THEN you will feel comfortable “being in love” with someone else, without the fear that you will somehow be consumed, controlled, or lose your self completely.

No one can ever control or consume you, unless you allow them to do so. Start to allow yourself to slowly feel the love you have inside, and take tiny steps to show that on the outside. Once you see that the world is still the same, and you are actually safe, then you can take another step with more confidence.

You can only give what you have inside, so it is not so much that you are not comfortable being in love with someone else, as it is that you have not been comfortable really loving YOU.

True love for Self does NOT come from ego. Self hate comes from ego. So it is a valuable lesson to love every part of your being – especially the parts you want to disown. It is important to view ALL of you as worthy, and not just certain parts of you. There are many people that have many different challenges in life. Some physical, some emotional. However, each one is an inherently special and precious spiritual/human being – including you!

Once you re-train your mind to view yourself with more love and acceptance, then you will more easily and comfortably be able to show this to someone else in return.

7. How does the “mirror dialogue” really work in raising self esteem?

The “mirror dialogue” is an enormously powerful process that was originally taught to me by a man named Bill Burns in Los Angeles, in 1994. I personally have experienced a profound shift in self love and self value as a result.

I have taught this to countless people, and first we ALL had the same (ego) reaction. “Ugh! Talk to myself in the mirror, and tell myself all of my good qualities based on my observable actions? No Way!”

Each and every single person that did this each day began to feel an immeasurable amount of pure self love and self value.

You actually have to take a few minutes out of your day and evening, and share with that precious person in the mirror at least three good qualities about yourself, based solely and completely on your OBSERVABLE ACTIONS – so your EGO will know that you are not bullshitting yourself. If you tell yourself “airy fairy” affirmations like: “I love me” your ego will just crack up and laugh at the very face that deserves all of the love in the world – YOURS!

However, if you tell yourself that you are caring, or kind when you helped an elderly person take their groceries into their house, or you told yourself that you are responsible for getting to work so that you can pay your rent, and if you told yourself that you are loving when you gave your children or pet a hug – that IS the truth, and you will ally you with you.

The first week or so your ego will have fierce resistance to this. The first time I did this (and this is quoted in my book Individual Power) I went up to the mirror, took a look at my face, and promptly said: “Fuck You Bitch, Okay, you’re responsible, loving, and clean – Bye!” That was over a decade ago, and I wouldn’t DARE insult myself today. I began to appreciate who I was, from the inside out, and I have passed this mirror dialogue technique to people from every corner of the globe. Guess what – they ALL actually love themselves today – how FANTASTIC!

If you really despise yourself deep inside, then do this twice a day for two years, and really allow yourself to give yourself the love you deserve. What will happen is that you will become your own best friend.

You will feel a sense of truth coming from within, and you will gain a great deal of self-value, because you will finally be telling yourself the truth about you, and the insults, lies, and self-deception will be replaced with authentic self love and appreciation. You REALLY deserve this. Everyone on Earth does! Pass it On, because IT WORKS!

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