How to Handle “I’m Not Ready to Settle Down Yet”

Individual Power
By Barbara Rose, PhD

How can one person’s needs be met if the other is not ready to give what is required to allow a romantic relationship to
evolve into a meaningful lifelong union?

If one person is ready to move forward, ready to create a more intimate connection, and the other is not, what then?

Many people could have reached the level of intimacy and commitment they desired if they had only received the patience,
compassion, and understanding of the other. Yet many people are childish when it comes to matters of the heart.
Many do not have the patience to work on a relationship if it does not fulfill all of their expectations as quickly as they would like. As a result, you have breakups, people longing for each other, people with pain in their hearts, when simple compassion and understanding could have brought them all they desired over time.

Many people end relationships because they do not understand that friendship is the key – that they need to build trust and enjoy the company of the other without all the formal dating or courtship behaviors.

Yes, courtship, dating, sex, romance are all vital to a romantic relationship, but there are many people who have issues
of intimacy to work through first. Many people need to go slowly and build trust, reaching a certain comfort level
with someone before they can commit themselves. So in this case, if one is ready for a committed, exclusive relationship
and the other is not, instead of hastily and prematurely ending the relationship, turn it into a friendship.

Stop the pressures of dating and courtship.

Allow yourselves to bond in a deep, respectful, and trusting union as
friends, as best friends.

If the attraction is there, if the chemistry is right, if the two of you have much in common and share meaningful
goals, why should that beautiful experience be ended completely?

Instead, you can continue the growth and development of your friendship, which, after all, is the true
foundation of any real marriage. So if you are ready for commitment and your partner is not, release the pressure and just be friends. Best friends. No sex, no dates, no candlelight intimacy. You will find that as the bond of friendship grows, as the trust deepens, the one who was not previously ready suddenly is ready. And you have been there all along. You reached from your heart to

give understanding instead of demanding a commitment of emotions and actions the other was just not ready to give.

Time heals fear.

Time builds trust, and love grows over time.

You may find, however, that the physical chemistry is still strong. If you genuinely want to share love-making or passion with each other, do not deny this or suppress it, because to do so causes tension. Go with the flow of your genuine feelings. If you feel attracted to each other, show it. If you want to sleep together and hold each other, do so!

There is no wrong in showing love.

The wrong is to deny your love, your chemistry, and your feelings only to conform
to a rigid belief or “should” with regard to society’s dating or courtship expectations. There is no “should,”
there is only truth. If you feel love and attraction, don’t withhold it; show it.

If one of you desires a monogamous relationship and the other is simply not ready for that, then you must decide what is most important to you: genuinely sharing the time you do have together or settling for not having each other in
your lives at all.

When you allow the word “should” to control your life, you find that you are no longer in control of achieving all you
want. This is not the same as “settling.” Settling is when you deny what is genuinely in your heart because your head tells you it is wrong and that you “should” do or not do something.

Is it truly wrong to sleep with someone you adore and are physically attracted to just because you are not ready to make
a formal monogamous commitment?


Is it genuinely wrong to sleep with someone you care for deeply and are attracted to because it is not an exclusive,
monogamous relationship?


The only “should” that can appropriately govern your life is that you should do what is genuinely in your heart. No matter what society tells you, no matter what anybody tells you, if it is true and right in your heart, then it is true and right for you. That is being your own best friend as well as a best friend with the one you love but are not formally committed to.

Commit to the genuine truth in your heart. Express that, and you will feel validated, whole, and complete within.
One reason relationships fail is that one person seeks validation by the other. But when you validate your own worth,
when you receive respect and admiration from yourself and do not need it to come from the other, then you will possess a
quality that is the foundation of pure love: the ability to give.

  • To give understanding in place of expectation.
  • To give patience in place of haste.
  • To give compassion in place of ego fulfillment.
  • To give friendship instead of demanding a commitment the other may not be ready to make.

For as you sow, so shall you reap. As you give, so will you be given to in return. As you reach out of your comfort zone
to be there for the other, you will find that in time, they will reach out of their comfort zone to return your goodness to you.

They will give, they will commit to you, for you will have shown them that you are worthy of their commitment, and
they shall ask you to share your life with them.


it is the one who endures both the good times and the difficult times who ultimately wins the love, respect, admiration, and commitment from the other.

It is very rare to have someone in your life who will be there for you as a true friend; this is a gift.

Relationships are testing grounds; they test the bond, the endurance, the respect for oneself and for the other.
How can you expect someone to make a lifelong commitment to you if they do not first see that you are capable of meeting the challenges that arise during the early stages of a relationship?

You see, life brings challenge. Life brings circumstances that you must overcome. If you love a boyfriend or girlfriend,
and they cannot be there for you through the early challenges of the relationship, how can you possibly expect
them to commit to you for life?

Couples who have successfully worked through the challenges of their relationship will tell you that it requires work
on self

and beyond the needs of self to truly be there for the other; it takes work to build a relationship that can endure the tests of life and the test of time.

When you’re not ready, but you can’t let go:

Life will keep giving you the same challenge in all of your personal relationships until you face it head on and work it through.

For example, if you have a problem with commitment or intimacy, you will find that same challenge in each relationship,
until one day you meet that one person who causes you to look within – to search your heart to find the answer. For
when you find true love, another soul with whom you feel an indescribable bond, that person will cause you to seek within
to heal the problem that blocks the flow of happiness you deserve in your life.

And when you do seek within for a solution, you will have all you truly desire. If you do not, then you shall live with regret.

To seek or not to seek is always your choice.

You can choose to run from one empty relationship to another, year after year, or you can choose to realize that fulfillment comes when the bonds of love and friendship are combined, and that those bonds are far too valuable and precious to discard once you have found the one person who causes you to turn yourself around. When you have healed
through that relationship, you will be ready to commit yourself to that person with true love.

© Copyright 2001, 2003, 2011 by Barbara Rose, All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life. Published by The Rose Group (2003) ISBN: 097414570X.

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43 thoughts on “How to Handle “I’m Not Ready to Settle Down Yet”

  1. Hey doctor i’m 28 and i’ve been with this guy for 3 years now. I asked him in the past summer when re we get engaged and he answered this winter and he talked to my dad abt it…now it’s winter here and he tells me that he’s not ready yet to commit or to settle down…that he doesnt see himself ready for marriage and responsibilities…we have a great relationship we get along really good we have the same intrest we respect eachother space and opinions and we love each other and now i feel like need space from him…i just dont know?i dont want to give up on him but i m scared that he will never be ready for it.


    • Hi Liza,

      You’re only 28 years young! Instead of worrying about him marrying you, love and enjoy your relationship with him. Bring out the best in him, be his best friend, be his girlfriend, build trust. It’s okay to have personal space, just do your own thing, yet be faithful to him if you truly love him. Sometimes people need years to “be ready” to make a marital commitment. Love and enjoy your relationship and you never know “when” he will pop the question. After marriage, you STILL need to nourish the relationship and continue to make it stronger. Grow together, and love the process!



  2. So, I have known a guy long distance for almost an year now and the sparks and chemistry was instant. But here is the thing, we met online through an Indian dating site. I am in Canada, he is in the US.
    Things went well for a few weeks and after that he wrote me an email saying, that I was great and everything he looked for in a companion but he has had a trail of heartbroken relationships and is not ready to open up to someone as yet. When I asked him then why did you iniate things, he said because he found me interesting.
    So we stopped talking to one another in that respect but have been in touch on and off. In the meantime I did try dating someone which didn’t go well and the man just walked away from my life.
    I am going to be 31 in the next few months and obvioulsy feel time is ticking but at the same time, I know I will not settle for someone because of that. Coming from my background, it is very uncommon for women to remain single in their late 20s or early 30s. Despite this, due to how strong and stubborn I am about the connection I
    want with a man, I eventally settle with, I have been able to break this societal barrier and go on by my life.
    Now, I am back to speaking with this man, we talk a lot and I am going bonkers, because he has opened up his entire life to me and so have I, but I sense he is doing this just at the level of friendship. He really admires and appreciates the person I am though.
    Now my issue is I havent met this guy, haven’t spoekn to him on the phone and this is the 21st century! Am I being utterly stupid getting carried away by him? I have thought about flying to US to go and meet him but what if he says “No” again?
    I have had my own history of heartbreaks and I don’t know if I cannot take another one. Allthough in the hindsight, I have gotten extremely emotonally strong especially after my move to canada. I have talked and maybe gone on dates with lot of men, but I have never till date felt like I have “met” the one. You know there some rare women who are perpetualy single? That is me! :)
    I think I am smart, funny and pretty and I do get good attention from men. But I have has only 2-3 guys I made a real connection with where it went on for a couple of months, but the eventually bailed out, getting jittery pr confused.
    Now this guy( US guy) is everything I want! I have never ever felt this way about anyone else in my life. He is in school finishing his last year of PhD and I am going to be 31. I know I really like him and see my future with him, but he needs reassurance I think for him to feel that way about me given his failed relationships.
    What should I do? We only have chatted and I have heard some of his recordings. But other than that there is no other means of communication!
    Am I living in a bubble wrt this man? Cuz frnakly it has been an year and nothing had changed about the way I feel about him. We talk a lot and I do tell him at time I like him which he already knows, but he seems to conveniently ignore it. I really don’t know what to do. It’s killing me!

    Any comments/advice?


    • Dear FreeSpri,

      Honestly I guide you to view him as a nice friend to chat on line with and nothing more. If after a solid year he has not asked to meet you he is clearly not interested in a romantic relationship. I can share this because I met my husband on line and after a few weeks he invited me to come and spend some time with him in person. I did, a month later we git engaged, and the next year got married.

      Please stop beating yourself up about your age. You are YOUNG! It’s the quality of the person that matters and how they interact with you. You want the RIGHT ONE not just anyone who may want to commit to you. Keep your heart and mind open to meeting a new man who can DELIVER IN ACTIONS all you desire and deserve.

      I send you much love,


    • Whoa girl you need to slow it down. You’ve never even talked to the guy on the phone. You write that you feel your clock ticking, but you’re not going to let that make you settle—and yet this is driving you to want to grasp on to this connection that you think you have with this person that you have never met. Beware the pictures you paint in your head, the romantic fantasies that you are creating in there about someone that you think you know. None of that is real. Unless you live somewhere with an extremely small dating / mating pool, focus on the people around you and meet people in person instead of through the interwebs. And if you DO need to meet people online, try to keep them within driving distance! Like 30 minutes or less! I say, focus on the things that you love, that inspire you, that fill your heart and soul with joy and contentment and love will find you. Worked for me! ;)

      Good luck!


  3. Hello Dr. Rose, wondering if you could provide some guidance here? I’ve been engaging with someone on the other side of the continent. We connected immediately and met up twice. Ever since then, this person has expressed that I’m amazing, etc. but the distance is difficult to assimilate. I’ve offered to relocate, but this person can’t hear that this is even possible.. then expressed that they are feeling scared because they want to be sure. This person has been emotionally distancing from me over the past few weeks (because of the physical distance) and hasn’t moved forward with making plans to see me again despite my persistent efforts. I’m not ready to move on.. like I could see myself spending the rest of my life this person. They wrote an email finally opening up to me, again reiterating that the distance is too much, yet they recognize that I’m a gem. I responded by ending it yesterday. And now I’m devastated. Would it have been better if I had just remained opened and gotten agreement about things continuing or ending? I would have liked to get a response from this person either giving me closure or saying hey, let’s be friends.. but there hasn’t been any response. Should I reach out?


    • Dear Lisa,

      You definitely did the right thing with ending it. As you shared he was not open to your relocating and by staying in the relationship you would just be stringing yourself along, and THAT HURTS! I applaud your honesty and courage. There really is no need to keep contact, as you feel far too much than “just friends” so moving on completely is the greatest thing you did. Open your mind and heart for someone new to enter your life. Get really clear on the kind of person (including location) that would be ideal for you. Then just leave it up to the universe for him to enter, and as time goes on, when you least expect it – that is what will happen. It happened for me and I am VERY happily married now – so I am positive it can happen for you, too. Hang in there, give yourself a LOT of love, get super involved in your life purpose, laugh, LIVE, and love the people who love you.

      Sending you lots of love,


  4. This has me wondering. I’m 20 and My 21 year old boyfriend and I got together after a rough time in my previous relationship. It actually started sexually but then we realised we wanted something more and through the relationship he brought up once maybe twice that he wasn’t ready to settle down, but we had decided to work through it. After 11 months he came out and said that he really thinks that we should just work on being best friends because of how much we love each other and that he does not want me out of his life.

    This however was they guy i was thinking about spending the rest of my life with so I was pretty heart-broken. We keep ending up getting intimate with each other when we do spend time together and we are very much in love, but he does not think he is ready for the commitment of a relationship.

    I’m really not sure what to do because the idea of no longer having him is really taking a toll on me.


    • Dear Ashley Smith St Clair,

      I honestly would guide you to move forward if it is hurting you too much to be “just friends” when your heart gets broken on a repeated basis. It’s great to be friends if it’s not hurting you, but the fact that it is, is so important to acknowledge and open your heart to allow another to enter who IS on the same page with you with respect to a fully committed relationship, after it blossoms as a best friendship FIRST.

      I send you lots of love and just as a suggestion, you might want to read the book Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE as what you are sharing and the honest solutions are all over the pages. It’s a real eye-opener!

      With much care,


  5. Hi Sherry
    I am in a relationship with a very handsome and loving guy but he is so quick to marry me, he has been pressuring me much and am just not ready. He is the guy everyone would wish for in terms of being there for me through it all. I am however not sexually attracted to him either. I am sure it would grow if he decided to wait but his character is just putting me off, he has no patience and I wont settle to please because marriage shouldn’t be for gambling. Its so frustrating, the one who is most promising is the one I do not connect with and he doesn’t understand me. Is it possible to at least get sexual attraction towards him someday and how will I ever achieve that because any intimacy with him feels like assault.



  6. Hi Barbara, I’m kind of confused. I’m dating a man who is committed to me, and is planning to marry me next year. But there are some intimacy issues. He hates kissing and sex has become very rare due to the overtime he has been working. He is divorced and in addition to that has a child with another person. He has told me he isn’t ready for another child right now and i can respect that because neither am I. He is my best friend though and i do have a good time with him. But i’m scared. What if it stays like this for the rest of my life and i regret marrying him.? We have talked about it and he assures me it won’t, but do i just be his friend and let things play out? or do i break it off and find someone completely new?


    • Hi Natalia,

      I sincerely guide you to move on and keep your heart open for a new man to enter your life who does not have addictions and where you can be intimate and truly love being together. When someone promises to make changes and they do not, that is your red flag showing that the issues will NOT change. It’s best to marry someone that you do not want to change. I have found this and am very happy. I’m sure you will, too.

      Wishing you all my best,


  7. Hi Barbara,

    This post really resonated with me. I am in the middle of figuring out a tough situation in love. My thoughts are below; words of encouragement, wisdom, and direction are encouraged. Thank you.

    My girlfriend of five months recently told me she cannot be in a relationship right now. (I am 28, she is 24) There has been nothing wrong with our relationship, in a traditional sense, perhaps timing is the only variable that doesn’t quite fit. She has told me that before meeting me she had really wanted to find herself and be on her own for a time, to figure out what she wants out of life, and be a person that she is comfortable with. Our relationship progressed very quickly, yet all of a sudden we came to a halting point that she still had to face these things before she could proceed.

    My first reaction was one of pain and distrust, why can’t you find yourself and grow with the person you care for? My brain and sensible side tells me that no one has their life completely figured out, there are difficult decisions that each one of us face everyday. Why not try and face these things together? As two people trying to attack what they want out of life? Sensible brain right?

    My second reaction, and the one I now solely subscribe to; she needs this personal growth for herself. She needs to be comfortable with who she is before she can be fully comfortable with me, or anyone else for that matter. I would not want to pry this opportunity from her, just as I cannot force her to care for me or be with me if she is not in a place to do it. As well as I want to be with someone that is complete and whole on their own, I cannot fill that void in their being. Thus, as hard as it is to swallow, I realize this transition is for the best. Tear.

    We have spoken since the break up, and I have told her that, while not easy, I can understand these feelings and would never want to force her to be with me in a committed relationship if she does not feel she can do so. I believe we both may want a shot at relationship someday, but she does not want that shot now. She is struggling to decide if she should pursue graduate school, or if she should keep fighting in the ever competitive career world. To compound that, relocation may be the best thing for her. Point being, right now she is not happy in her career, and some kind of change is necessary. I feel somewhat more established where I am at career wise, but have realized there are things I still want to pursue, and those things will take my time and energy.

    I have told her that I do want a shot at us, when and if she is ready, and that because I care for her I can be there for her in whatever capacity that may be right now. I don’t quite know what that other capacity is, but I am willing to explore whatever is amicably comfortable. True friends, lovers, a dance partner…maybe one or all of the above? My feeling is i wouldn’t ever want to be with someone if we couldn’t both feel secure enough to give each other space and be independent, if that means no labels, then, no labels. We have great friendship, trust, attraction, and a great sex life (maybe the best I’ve ever had…and I fooled around for quite some time in my earlier years) She is taking some time to think if she can do this, as I am traveling out of the country for 3 weeks, and we both figured that we can revisit how we both feel about this on my return. My head tells me that I am putting myself at a deeper risk of being hurt somewhere down the line, but I am letting my heart do what I think is right.

    I have been through heartbreak, and the ups and downs of a relationship. I have had long relationships, (3 years) and short relationships (weeks). I feel much differently about the course of them and what makes a relationship whole and strong now, then I did when I was much younger. You are taught that true love conquers all, and if someone wants to be with you, they will throw everything else out the window and make it work. My heart, and experience, tells me that relationships, nor the world, are black and white like this. They take effort, and understanding, if you really love/care for someone you can be there with them through whatever it is they need. You definitely don’t tell someone to throw away their dreams to be with you.

    This woman challenges me, is beautiful, kind, and above all else genuine. Furthermore she is able to make this very difficult decision about herself, that while super hard on both of us, is the mature and strong thing to do for her independent self. It is both the reason I care for her, and the reason I am in pain. While I am not at the point to settle down, at this point, she does present herself as someone that my gut says is worth finding out more about. Only time will tell ;)

    I don’t even really know what I am asking from here. I am putting my emotions, thoughts, and feelings out into the world. Looking back on it, and reading it, it feels like the right thing:)


    • Dear Sean,

      I read all you wrote and with full honesty, I must quote what you wrote as the healthiest solution to your situation.

      My second reaction, and the one I now solely subscribe to; she needs this personal growth for herself. She needs to be comfortable with who she is before she can be fully comfortable with me, or anyone else for that matter. I would not want to pry this opportunity from her, just as I cannot force her to care for me or be with me if she is not in a place to do it. As well as I want to be with someone that is complete and whole on their own, I cannot fill that void in their being. Thus, as hard as it is to swallow, I realize this transition is for the best.

      I couldn’t have put it better myself. Be her friend if you can, if it doesn’t hurt you! If it does hurt too much to be friends, then wish her the best from your heart while you view her with loving compassion. She is very young! The right woman, either her or another, will enter your life when you least expect it. Be with someone who knows who they are, what they are all about, and is passionate about her own life.

      I truly send you my best and I’m sure once you plunge all of your focus onto your own life purpose, it will get easier and easier for you.



  8. Hi Barbara,

    I’m 23 and have been with a girl who is slightly older than myself for just over a year but she decided to end it the other day as she is looking to settle down, move in with each other etc. and I can’t decided if I am ready for all of this as it scares me, particularly to think I’ll never sleep with another girl etc.

    I am confident if I can show to her that I am ready to settle down then she’ll have me back but I’m so scared to make a wrong decision either way. How do I know if I’m ready to settle down with her and accept never being with anyone else? Some parts really excite me and other as I say scare me. We get on so well together and I really do care about her so it hurts that we’ve ended over something like this.

    Any help would be brilliant as I’m so confused and don’t know what to do. Many thanks.


    • Dear Nathan,

      The best thing you can do is be completely honest with yourself and with her. If you’re not ready to settle down, staying with her will only string her along and cause unnecessary pain. You will know when you are ready, it will just feel perfect in all ways.

      Sending you my best,


  9. Hi Barbara,

    I’m a 27 year old male in medical school at the moment. Very tall, used to be a basketball player, get a lot of attention from girls, but have currently been dating a very down to earth friendly type of girl for the last 4 months. She is also 27 years old, we have great chemistry, get along easily and genuinely enjoy each others company I feel.
    Awhile ago she had asked me if we should continue seeing each other and I let her know that we should. Months went by and we got more intense and became intimate. She is very physically attracted to me. However after things had intensified, now I feel she’s pushed away slightly. She’s very busy working as a nurse and has been through relationships most of her life including a 5 year relationship. I noticed a change in her behavior and it started to make me think about what was going on. She’s still affectionate around me and we still have a wonderful time in each other’s company, but the difference now is that I feel like I’m the one putting forth the effort to see her and meet up with her.
    Just recently I asked her if we should continue seeing each other because I really liked her but wasn’t sure if she liked me. I wanted to be exclusive and she said she was not ready to jump into anything too serious. She said she thinks I’m fantastic, loves spending time with me and thinks we should continue getting to know each other. All her life she’s been couped up in relationships and feels she needs some time to herself to explore her life. She said she’s not actively pursing anyone else but doesn’t want to say she’d be exclusive to me because that would put her back into a relationship. She also said she is not cold and would not try to lead me on, but she just does not want a commitment at this time. When she asked me if I had a problem with that I told her that I still wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else. She said we should continue to get to know each other and go from there.
    To me, I perceived this as she still is legitimately trying to get to know me and doesn’t want to jump too fast into a situation which could potentially be bad. Especially since she’s been in long term relationships before and they eventually didn’t work out. Yet the reason I have some doubt about this is that I feel like I’m the one putting forth more effort to continue getting to know each other. My intentions are to remain friendly with her and have a good time. But it’s very difficult for me to pull this off because in the back of my mind I feel like she’s just keeping me around as a placeholder for either someone else, or maybe she’s not over her ex boyfriend whom she knew for 5 years. She broke up with him two years ago and has been dating guys since. However I feel like all of those guys have found themselves in a similar situation that I’m in with her now. For instance, she dated a guy for 3 months prior to me and he said he wasn’t cool with her still being friends with her ex boyfriend.
    Are these worries I have reasonable? Or am I being insecure? We’ve already had a talk and I feel like I need to talk to her again. But I’m afraid to do that because it may look like I’m still trying to push things when I shouldn’t be. Especially when I’ve already said I’d respect her space and see how things play out.



    • Dear Greg,

      I would guide you to continue to be her FRIEND and keep your options open if another woman crosses your path that you may be more compatible with where things just fall into place and you don’t feel like you are “on hold” in any way. From what you wrote it feels like she is string you along in the romantic department, hence her desire to be friends. So be her friend, and keep your heart, mind, and eyes open for someone who wants the same kind of relationship that you want. Be honest at all times!

      Sending you my best,


      • Thanks Barbara. That’s the most sound advice to give. She broke things off with me at the beginning of the month, saying she got uncomfortable with me because she felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. I feel like I was driven to that a little by her. Just recently reached out to her and we reconciled a little. She seems like she wants to get back to being in a relationship but at the same time does not seem fully committed. I went through so much hurt with the separation. Following your advice is the right thing to do, but can be hard when you get emotional. I’ve never dealt with a girl that brings me in just to keep me at a certain distance. Thank you for listening to me.


  10. Hey babara i came across your website and its really inspiring! i am 30years old and my boyfriend is 34 years old yes he has a kid though she doesnt live with him in same country but i understand that he has to have a relationship with his baby moma, but my problem is hes not ready to commit, he always says that to me everytime and he keeps reminding that we are in relationship not marriage. i feel so embarrassed because he sounds like i am desperate, he says being married you cant do all the stuffs you can do when you are single, he wont hear of it and this hurts me because we are both faithful to each other and we are always together and admired together as a couple but i dont know why he says this……. Could it be that he doesnt see me as the perfect one for him or am i just not good enough for him? do i stay or just move on because he gets uncomfortable at the mention of marriage. i asked him when he told me he loves me Why he wont commit if truly he loves me and he said MARRIAGE IS JUST NOT FOR ME I HAVE ALWAYS TOLD YOU FROM THE FIRST DAY WE STARTED DATING. advice please and would like to talk to you privately via email if you dont mind?


    • Dear Nikki,

      I’m so sorry to heart the pain you are going through. I have been there, too and I know how much it hurts.

      In short, totally MOVE ON and allow this man to be in your past. You ARE GOOD ENOUGH, and really deserve to have the kind of relationship you desire where your partner wants the same type of relationship as you do!

      I HIGHLY advise you to read the book Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE.
      You can download it wholesale on my website book page or get it from any bookseller. The reason I am sharing this with you is because of the identical pain I went through and how much this book helped me and so many others.

      I am currently engaged to a man who can’t wait to marry me, and he treats me better than I have ever been treated before in my life. I know if this is possible for me after a lifetime of pain, it is also possible for YOU! Hang in there, place all of your focus on your life purpose and TRUST that as you believe you DESERVE ONLY THE BEST that is exactly the type of person you will attract into your life.

      I send you lots of love!
      For more interaction you can always reach me here:


  11. Hi Barbara, your article is really great and makes sense the most to me right now
    My boyfriend of 1 1/2 year just broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Things were really normal before the break up so this is an out-of-the-blue break up and I’m still shocked. He told me he’s not ready to settle down and doesn’t she himself as getting married and having kids, he wanna be single and wanna do so many things.
    Before this happened, I went back to my country for my sister’s wedding, I was happy about the wedding that I kept talking about it whenever I’m with him or his family, I even told them I catched the bouquet from the bride. But for me all this is just for fun, I don’t ask him to marry me, at least at this stage, but I think my actions made him confused and thought I wanna get married now.
    Also at the same time, he was in his 2 months trip to Asia, I got upset with him sometime (because I miss him!) but I tried to be the best understanding girlfriend.
    When he came back from his trip, things were ok until I brought up the topic that I didn’t think he’s giving me enough attention. But I also told him I didn’t want to make this issue serious and only want to improve our relationship. Then 2 days later we met up for coffee and he said all this to me (as above) and I asked him if he had ever been really opened up to me, and he admitted that he wasn’t, he once said he felt vulnerable if he let someone to know what’s he feeling. I also said that he didn’t really put effort into fixing this relationship.
    I haven’t talked to him since then but I really miss him and he’s the right one for me.
    After thinking and thinking, I came to an answer that there is a misunderstanding between us. It was that I was so happy about my sister’s wedding and it made him thought that I want to get married now while he’s not ready. From deep down my heart, I didn’t mean that at all, I don’t want to get married now either, we’re still young, I’m 21 and he’s 24, I still have lots of things to do, but I’m confortable at both living my life and be with him (I know I can find a way to make it work). I’m happy with what we were doing: being together at a couple and having really good moments together, I’m not ready for long term plan too! (But he thinks I’m ready).
    His mom and sister said that he looks like he already made up his mind about the break up and he looks ok (he always looks ok because he doesn’t show his emotion to people), but I feel really bad if I don’t tell him that there’s a misunderstanding between us! I’m willing to work this issue out, but I don’t know about him, he’s so hard to read!
    Can you give me an advice? Should I talk to him about what I think? And how to get closer to him and know if he’s willing to work this issue as well?
    I’m happy with the idea of staying as a couple for few years until we’re ready for a commitment. But I just don’t know if he wants to.
    His family said I mean alot to him, when we broke up he also said he still cares about me and even called to check if I get home safe. This is so confusing!


    • Dear Lovehurts,

      Take your time, as you are both so young. Above all follow your gut instincts. Get absorbed in your life purpose – to shine and be centered in joy. Keep your heart open to the idea that you may meet another man who is much more clear about where he stands which will make things much more clear for you. Have you read the book Stop Being the String Along? I highly suggest it as that book is actually based on a soul mate relationship. There are many free excerpts here on this site from that book for you to read. Hang in there and above all follow what is true for YOU – ALWAYS!
      Sending you lots of love,


  12. Hi, my name is Austin and me and my girlfriend have been living together for 2 years now. I know I’m not ready to settle down but at the same time I feel that I could never let her go because she fits me so well. She is perfect for me in every way but sometimes I feel like we are in two different parts in our lives. She is 21 almost done with college and I’m 19. I still like to go out with my friends on the weekends when she just wants to stay in. My parents live on the other side of the country but I would have places to go if we did break up. I just don’t know if she would be willing to stay friends if I told her I’m not ready. And if she wasn’t I don’t know if I could let her go. Should I stop putting it off and tell her? Or just see were it goes?


    • Dear Austin,

      You said it perfectly when you wrote:

      I feel that I could never let her go because she fits me so well.

      You are both really young. You CAN remain a couple and give it a few more years before you get married. It’s SO RARE to find someone who fits you so well. Trust me on this one! You can have a heart-to-heart honest, genuine and transparent talk with her about how you like to go out and come to a mutually agreeable solution that you are BOTH happy with. Perhaps one night stay in together, and the other night ask her to join you when you go out with your friends.

      I truly wish you the best, stay true to your HEART and you will always make the best choices!



  13. I just broke up with my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years. I am 33 and she is 29. Everything was great in the begining with us but then 6 months in to the relationship things changed. Long story short, I felt like i cared way more than she did and she cared more about hanging out with friends, etc. Today we had a conversation and she finally admitted that she is not ready to settle down like I am. She said she hasn’t gotten everything out of her system and is not ready. This hurts be because she really convienced me that this is what she wanted and pursued me for that matter to now tell me that she isn’t ready. She has issues within herself that she told me she didn’t realize was an issue until she met me. We had our closure conversation today, and I feel that I should leave her completely alone. However, i can not lie and say i am still not in love with her. But i know i need to let her go for my own sanity and to protect myself. I read your article, which is great by the way, and I guess I would like to know if I should still try to pursue a friendship with her? I know I can not right now because this is still new and all I do is get disappointed by her and continue to hurt myself in the process. I am just really hurt right now. I have mixed emotions. I feel betrayed…i feel like i was strung along and now to have my heart broken like this, it just really hurts and i do not know what to do. she is really a great person. we just did not see eye to eye on relationship issues and i now know why. any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated. thank you.


    • Dear SP,

      So sorry for the delay in replying to you. The best advice I can give you is to move on with your life completely and view her with loving compassion so you no longer feel bitter. At least she told you the truth, and was good enough to be completely honest with you. I know all too well how it hurts, and I also know that you will adjust as you focus on your own life purpose. You’re still really young and I know if you open your heart to meet a new BEST FRIEND your friendship can blossom into a life long true love and marriage.

      I share this with you because this is exactly what I did and have never been happier! I truly wish you the same, you really deserve it!



  14. I was just praying and asking the spirit, do I leave or stay because he is not ready for a committed relationship. It’s not easy though, he says he only sleeps with me, but he has many female friends that have feelings for him. He said he feels broken after his wife left and doesn’t know if he can love again, but has very strong feelings for me, that I have cracked the block a little, but feels if he forces it, I will end up hurt. Of course I don’t want anything forced, we have a beautiful close friendship that I don’t want to loose. We help each other with our kids, (both single parents) and even started working together. But we get very close, then he pulls away, then comes back in, It’s been a yoyo lately, and very tiring on my emotions. Coming across your article I think is the answer to my prayer. I think giving him space to heal and continuing to be his best friend is the best loving action. I’m relieved I don’t need to leave.


    • Dear Tiffany,

      I read every word you wrote very carefully and I urge you to read the book Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE.
      As you have such deep feelings for him, this close then not close, friends but really wanting a real relationship where you are both on the same page is not the reality, and I want to help prevent you from being hurt and wasting a lot of time. I share this with you because I was in nearly the identical situation. I can promise you that the guidance in String Along and the identical results women have shared with me from all over the world have saved them from years of “waiting in there” which is usually heart crushing.

      I send you lots of love and hope you will give it a read – it changed my life, healed my deepest pain for the identical reasons and I am positive it will do the same for you.

      Sending you much love,


  15. You ought to be a part of a contest for one of the finest websites online. I most certainly will recommend this website!


  16. usually i do not write on blogs, but i would like to say that this article really convinced me to do so! congratulations, very nice post. {…}


  17. Thanks for this, it was very interesting. I’ve been dating my boyfriend Adam for just over a year and a half now and he graduated last year and spent this year at university. Before dating him, I had been in a relationship for 2 years with this other guy. After dating this other guy (not Adam) for about year and half, my best girl friend committed suicide completely turning my world upside down. As a result, the relationship I had with that other guy completely fell apart, despite the extensive therapy I was in. At the time, Adam was my best guy friend. I denied feelings for him for a long time because I didn’t want to ruin the friendship but I was crazy in love with him and always have been. He brought me out of a major depression and when the school year came to an end, he had to prepare to leave to university. I don’t endorse long distance relationships, I usually hate them and think young people should just live it up. But I was crazy about him and couldn’t lose him, the thought alone killed me so we decided to stay together and do long distance. It was hard. We were both completely faithful, I visited him lots, I’m crazy about him, would do anything for him, all that crazy fairy tale crap etc. When he got home, I was thrilled and so excited to be with him again. But…I found out that he failed 5 of his courses. He went from straight A’s to straight F’s and I had no idea. I’m not really sure if he shut me out completely when he was at university, or if he really just didn’t do anything so there was nothing to tell me. He sat in his room for days once playing video games instead of going to class…I called him almost every morning at 8am to wake him up to tell him to go to English because I knew he was failing and he would just say YEP yep…and go back to sleep. He also slept in and missed a midterm worth 20 percent of his grade. He also hangs out in a group of about 12-17 girls, where he’s one of two guys and the other guy is gay…This is not the Adam I fell in love with. I know university changes things but he won student of the year for his academics when he graduated and now he’s failed 5 courses. I’m really worried about him but at the same time, he isn’t opening up to me about what’s going on in his life and I can’t force him to do that so I feel helpless. So he came home for a bit from university and then I find out that he’s super short money and so he has to go up to Alberta and leave me here (again) so that he can make money to re take the courses he failed…He’s in a hard faculty so I get that. But seriously, I feel so annoyed with him. I know it’s not really his fault, he has to have a job, and I can’t go to Alberta because my job is here. He had to go to university, I get that too. It’s just frustrating when he fails all of his courses and has to leave me to make enough money to re take them…Anyways so on top of that, lately I have been feeling like I have no idea who I am anymore and that ever since Celia (my best friend) took her life, I have no idea what I want from life or friendships or relationships or anything. I haven’t been single since almost 2 years before she died (so 4 years ago) and I feel like I maybe just need to adjust to life on my own a bit, figure out who I am as opposed to who I am when I’m in a relationship, discover what I like to do just me, not what I like to do with romance? If that makes sense. However, Adam is the love of my life, and I’m crazy about him. He is trying really hard at his job in alberta and he’ll be home in a month or so before possibly going out again. He is more committed to me than I’ve ever seen any man be to a woman and says he’ll prove to me that he’s better than he’s been the past year. He treats me amazingly…when he’s here. I just feel like if he’s not here, I should take the time to be single and figure my life out a bit? Do I sound crazy to you? I want to be with him but I also want to just enjoy being single and independant and adjust to all the changes that have happened in my life this past year. I haven’t flirted with a guy since I was 14, its been one relationship after another. I’m afraid that if I don’t experience other things for a while, I won’t appreciate the amazing connection and bond and friendship that we’ve nurtured as much as I should. And I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We’re best friends as well as lovers so it’s tricky. I can’t picture growing old with anyone but him or opening up to anyone like I have to him. I can’t lose him but I feel a little bit less committed than usual. Not as in I want to cheat on him, I just don’t feel like being super committed right now when I barely even know myself. I’m afraid that if I tell him I don’t feel one hundred percent committed or whatever, that he’ll think I’m just trying to let him down easy or that he’ll think I really don’t want to be with him. But I do, just not sure if I want it now? But on the other hand, if I ride things out a bit all of this could pass, maybe I’m just stressed out and over thinking, what do you think? Please ay advice would me much appreeciated.


  18. Isn’t this the opposite of what Rose tells us to do in the String Along book? Should I or shouldn’t I be understanding of the man that originally showed intimacy, then backed off….but still wanted to date. (date me exclusively) How long is too long to wait to see if they will get over their fear of a relationship?


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