By Barbara Rose, PhD
Sometimes people with whom we begin a romantic relationship exit our lives. Any self-denigration that is based on whether or not a person is in your life must be transformed by viewing that person with the same compassion and understanding as if you were the one to exit. I believe you would wish the person well and hope that he or she would be perfectly fine without you.
Now, suppose you meet a new and wonderful person whom you view as a potential partner. As time passes, you get to see what that person is all about. During this time it is crucial that you show the real you, and never put on an act for any reason. As you get to know someone new, notice how you feel when you are with him or her.
Do you feel joy? Do you love his or her company? Do you feel chemistry? Can you talk about anything? Do you feel love? Okay, now suppose you feel this way and the relationship progresses to a point where suddenly you no longer like what you are seeing or how you are being treated. What then?
Here’s a purely hypothetical example. Let’s say I met Mr. Incredible, and we got to know each other, and got very close. Then all of a sudden I started hearing things such as “Honey, it’s dinner time.” I would not want to go any further with this person unless he understood and agreed that I, personally, do not have a “dinner time” because I eat only when I want to. If he thinks I’m going to conform to some kind of a domestic schedule, he’s with the wrong woman.
Now, I use this example because this is how I truly feel, and because it easily shows you how a person can have very different preferences that truly do not match your lifestyle. For this reason alone, the person can decide that he or she does not want to continue in a relationship with you. Obviously, this would have nothing to do with your worth.
Here’s another example. I don’t have a bedtime, and I would not want to share a bedroom with a partner. How’s that for individuality. I prefer my own bedroom, and if I ever heard “Honey, it’s time to come to bed,” I would immediately think to myself, “Barbara, it’s time to get out of this relationship.” As odd as it may sound, this is my personal preference, my truth. And I would not all of a sudden turn myself into what someone else wanted me to be just to please him at the expense of my truth.
You also have personal preferences. They may be the exact opposite of mine. Does this make either of us less worthy? No, of course not! So if someone is no longer in your life, perhaps he or she just preferred to live a different lifestyle. When someone leaves a relationship with you, it neither validates nor invalidates your worth.
Your love life is based on living your truth at all times without control, manipulation, games, abuse, or force of any kind. This includes twisting yourself into all shapes and forms just to please someone else.
© Copyright 2011 Barbara Rose, PhD All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from the book Dear God, How Can I Finally Love Myself? (Published by The Rose Group, October 2006) ISBN: 0974145769